


Hell Has A New Name

by GirlWhoLovesMonsters



Series: Hell Has A New Name [1]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Death, Dubious Consent, Emotions, Escape, F/M, Faked Death, Fix-It, Flashback, Healing, Heterosexual Sex, Juice Ortiz Lives, Love, Mentions of past abuse, Multi, New Beginning, Prison, Stockholm Syndrome, mentions of past rape, new relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:08:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 47
Words: 57,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19081930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlWhoLovesMonsters/pseuds/GirlWhoLovesMonsters
Summary: Despite the odds Juice had made it. He was given a new name, a new life, a new hell. A deal with the devil has to have an expiration date. To escape the reaper he’s willing to run on the enemy’s dime, but what happens when the devil comes to collect his due? Would his life be worth it’s cost?Non cannon





	1. 1

Miami was hot, really fucking hot. Humid, and the air was still. Juice wasn't sure what the hell he was thinking coming here. Except it was furthest point on the map he could find away from Charming. He couldn't go back there. His brothers wanted his head on a plate and like a coward he'd ran. He'd been set up, Potter, that fucking piece of shit said if he didn't get what he wanted he'd ruin his life. Well he had. Chibs sat right across from him the day he went to Stockton and told him to swallow his gun. That hurt more than anything, more than any beating.

  
Jax offered him a way back, but Juice wasn't completely stupid, he knew it was just a means to an end. He did his time, he took out Lin and he'd been on the business end of Tully and a few now dead Asians. He knew he was supposed to die, he didn't want to die. He faked his death with the help of the bastard nazi, and got out.

  
In the middle of the night he made his way to Charming from Stockton with some redneck lowlife he never wanted to see again. The truck was old and surprisingly running. The seats were torn cloth and it smelled of motor oil and man. The truck was loud and blew diesel smoke into the air, it was obvious and horrid. He knew having the truck at his apartment would garner attention at some point, it was small town. Someone would notice them walking into his apartment, they would tattle. He and the man whose name he never got, wrecked his apartment, so it looked like a break in.

  
He grabbed only what he could carry on his bike and he left the rest. He was smart enough however to hire a moving company to pack all the rest of it and put into storage. He made the transaction under his sisters name in Queens. Juan Carlos was dead, she was his only living kin. They didn't ask any questions when he told them he was with Stockton State Prison and was releasing him to her. Of course he hadn't spoken to her in fifteen years, so it wouldn't matter. He'd have it shipped later under a new name. He just needed to get the fuck out of Charming before anyone became curious about the lack of remains he had in the morgue.

The last thing he had expected was to earn a favor from Tully of all people. However the man had been swooned by him. He gave him a new life, as much as Juice wanted to hate the man who abused him, he couldnt hate him in the end. Nothing Tully had done to hurt him was as bad as what any of his brothers had done to him. Tully wasn't personal, he was just doing what he was supposed to do. Primal, that was all there was too it. Except he'd sympathized with Juice towards the end of his stay. Once he'd managed to get him into his cell the rapes stopped, at most he just wanted Juice to listen to him talk or read.

For whatever crack pot reason he trusted the devil to get him away from the club. His only condition was that once he was free, he'd write. Preferably often, but Tully would accept one letter, letting him know he'd made it and was safe. Juice didn't know how he felt about it, he felt like he was literally selling his soul to Satan. He'd cross that bridge when he got to it. He had the address and inmate number on a paper wadded up inside of his pocket. He occasionally would touch it, and oddly found it comforting.

It had taken him a week to get to Miami, a week and five hundred dollars worth of Tully's money. He felt dirty for accepting it but he couldn't really access his own money. Again, one of Tully's men would withdraw his money from his accounts, as his sisters attorney and his part of the business would be sold. That money would also be collected by one of them. As it stood right now he basically felt like a kept lover, because he was accessing Tully's personal accounts. He only used what he had too for food and gas, the occasional sleezy motel that asked no questions or for ID. Once the dumb redneck foot soldier caught up with him in Miami he'd have his money, and documents he needed to start over. He felt like that was the catch, he would have to write Tully to let him know the transaction had been successful.

  
His plan, was to get what he needed and then hightail it out of the country, or to some other piss hole state where he could get another new identity and really start over.

He found a shitty motel near the beach and paid for three nights. This would be longest he'd stayed put so far but he knew it would take a day longer for whoever was coming to get there. They'd be taking a different route so as not to be obvious about it. The second day in this new Hell he felt like he was losing his mind.

The air was blasting into the putrid green room and he was still sweating. Why was it so fucking hot and humid? The floral scratchy comforter was sticking to his skin and he was certain he was going to melt to it and it would have to be surgically removed. He hated being sweaty unless he was working out or getting laid. Ugh... the thought of that currently made him sick. He could feel Tully sweating onto his back and he cringed. Every one of Lin's men breathing down his neck, cursing him whatever language. He was stuck here with himself and his thoughts. Trapped.

He couldn't leave the room, because he was waiting for the foot soldier, he was dying of boredom. His mind started messing with him, were they coming? Would Tully turn him over to the Sons? Surely not, the man had wiped out the entire Asian population known from Lins group just days after his "tune up." He didn't want to meet the reaper not after all of this. He was convinced Chibs or Tig would knock in the door any minute and if he were lucky they'd put a bullet in the back of his head. Despite his fear of the reaper and his men, he didn't want Chibs to be taken out by Tully's foot men. Surely because of the mutual benefit each group provided he'd leave the Sons alone.

The weight of Tully was killing a little inside. He knew nothing in life was free and he'd pay back every dime the man had let him use. He felt though that it wouldn't be enough. He wouldn't put it past the man to set up some sort of visit for him so he could take his ass one more time. His disgust with himself sat in his gut. Was living even worth it anymore? If he was just going to be someone's bitch.

Every scummy hotel he'd stayed at he'd given a different name, but he had been given instructions for when he made it to Miami to sign in as Justin Tully. As much as it made him cringe he knew the foot soldier would ask for that name and meet him there. He prayed his new identity wasn't going to be that. No one would think to find him under that name though so at least it was safe. He let the name roll around in his mind. He just couldn't let it settle on his tongue.

A loud banging on the door brought him from his thoughts and disgust.

"Hang on." He mumbled trying to sound relaxed.

He got up off the bed and stretched his stiff limbs. He looked through the peep hole to see who was there, it was in fact a guy with a fucking swastika on his neck. Not someone be wanted to be associated with typically. He hurriedly opened the door and pulled the man inside.

"So? Who am I now?" Juice joked with the man earning a fake smile. The man casually laid an envelope on the desk in the room and proceeded to sit.

"I have instructions for you. You might want to sit." He drawled out in a southern accent.  
The anxiety rose in the pit of Juices stomach. He prayed this wasn't going to go badly.


	2. 2

 B"Here's a burner phone. Tully will call you on it. Passport, ID, social security cards, etc is all there. Said he'd call in case you decide not to write.”  
Juice reluctantly accepted the items and sat them down.

  
"So i'm a free man?"

The man nodded and then smiled.

"There was one thing Tully wanted from you. Well I should just let him tell you."

Juice rolled his eyes in exasperation. He was ready to leave this dump and move on. "What is it? Just fucking tell me." He asked pointedly.

The redneck laughed a dirty laugh and grinned. The teeth he did have were driving Juice crazy, he was tired of looking at this idiot.

"You see, Tully has a kid. A girl, about twenty three. She ain't into the brotherhood, won't marry off to any of them despite her daddy's efforts. Thinks she better'n us. He wants 'er with someone he trusts, someone not affiliated. Says you'd clean up nice, look respectable on the outside an all that shit. Maybe she'd take to you. 'Er mama died last year, the cancer got'er, bout killed Tully even though they's divorced. He don't want'er to be alone. She don't got nothing to do with us. Only sees her daddy at Christmas. She even moved, out to Nebraska somewhere. You go there, find er and let er know he sent you. You can work out the rest."

Juice was completely flabbergasted if he were honest. The monster he wanted to forget wanted him to find and take care of his child.  He wanted to refuse, tell this stupid fucker **no**! However he knew he'd have to agree. 

"Do, do you have an address? How do I find her? Whats her name?" He stuttered the words out. 

"Information is in that packet. After today you ain't gonna see me again. Make sure you answer for Tully. If you do see me again, it wont be a good meetin.”

He choked on his own spit and his eyes got wide. He felt like the world was closing in on him. He had traded a jail cell, and the freedom death would have given him for a ball and chain Tully was pulling tighter and tighter. The man tipped his ball cap as if it were something fancy and slammed the door as he left. 

Juice laid back on the bed his stomach turning. He didn't want to look at the contents of the envelope but he knew he had too. After today, as soon as he opened the envelope he wouldn't be Juan Carlos Ortiz anymore, he'd be whomever was inside the packet. He felt as if he needed to mourn his own passing. He looked down at his chest, he could feel the weight of his tattoos beneath his shirt. He would have to have them removed at some point and that was whole other stripping of his identity. 

He was in the shower when the burner phone rang. The ringer was on as loud as it would go making him jump. The steam in the room made the screen fog up so it was hard to see the number, though he knew in his gut it was Tully. He opened the phone and put it too his ear, in his panic he'd forgotten to turn the water off and he knew he was going to come to regret that decision as soon as the other man heard it. 

"You there sweetheart?"

He heard the drawl of his deep voice in the phone, making him shutter. 

"Ye-Yeah. Can you hang on for just a second?” 

He tried to keep his voice steady but he was failing. He knew he sounded nervous. Tully didn't answer verbally just a noise of agreement. Juice sat the phone down so he had both hands and turned off the water, wrapping a towel around himself. 

"Okay, I'm back. Sorry."

Tully chuckled his creepy throaty laugh. "Its okay baby. You answered the phone, you're such a good boy. You know that?" 

"What do you need Tully?"

His tone radiated his resentment. He was glad however that the man hadn't made any sexual or otherwise inappropriate comments about the shower.  

"whoa now, don't get feisty love. You know how I get when you get that way. Im doing you a world of favors. The least you can do is humor me over the phone."

He drawled out, his voice had a playfulness to it that Juice hadn't heard before. Well not since he bunked with him, and Tully was in a great mood that one time. 

"I'm sorry, i'm just really tired. You can continue."

He regressed inside, he could feel it happening. Being an obedient bitch for the man came as second nature now. Even when he didn't want it too. He was in the free world, why couldn't he turn that part of his brain off? 

"I wanted to check in on you. I'm assuming since you answered the phone you've seen Colten. Have you looked at the papers?" 

"Not yet, I jumped in the shower after he left." He remained monotone. 

"That bastard didn't touch you did he? Ill have his head, you know that. I meant it when I said I'd protect you, even when you got out. Even if I cant have you, I had hoped you'd come around. That maybe somewhere inside yourself you'd want me. I know the damage has been done though. Cant stop me from feeling. I am sorry baby. You know that?"

Juices stomach turned again, he was going to throw up. He didn't want to believe anything this man said, but he couldn't help it. He had told him so many times after the rapes stopped that he was sorry for it. That he wouldn't have done it if he'd known how much he'd fall for him. He wished he could take it back. Anger would boil inside of him every time the man apologized. Today though, there was no anger, just disgust. 

"I know Tully. No he didn't touch me. I promise." He spoke softly trying to ease the other man before he did something stupid for no reason. 

"Good. I know how you get, wanting to scrub everything down. Didn't want that to be why you were in the shower when I called. I worry about you. So what were you doing in the shower? Tell me?"

Juice wasn't going to play his game, not today. He was playing as much as he could, and it wasn't even voluntary. It was just a trained response.

"I had just gotten the water on. That's all."

Tully hummed into the line.

"Well I think of you when I shower. I miss you, your company. That sounded different that I meant it too. I wont keep you too long, so you can get back to it. Did he talk to you about Nebraska?"

"yeah. You never told me you had a kid. What do you want me to do?" He sounded way more casual than he thought possible.

"Don't tell people a lot of things sweetheart. Her name is Brinley. She is twenty three. Last I saw her, she had sandy brown hair, big green eyes, and was in college to become a teacher. Though I tell her she should be a super model. She is thin, like I used to be and tall. Finding her in a crowd should be easy. What I want from you is to befriend her. She needs someone to be on her side, in her hatred of me. I love that girl with everything I have, but she despises me. Breaks my heart, but I don't tell her that. I know why she hates me. I hate me sometimes."

He was speaking in a tone that was very out of character. Juice didn't know what to make of it. He didn't want to sympathies with this man, any more than he wanted to be friends with his spawn. 

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you. You're her father." Is what he said instead despite his better judgment. 

A soft sigh came through the line. It was calm and unsettling to Juice. If this had been anyone else on the phone it would have been comfortable but he had to remind himself he was speaking with the devil in flesh. 

"Awe sweetheart that's nice of you to say. I've come to terms with it. That's a story for another day. Inside the packet is what you need to know about her, and yourself. Find her, keep her safe for me. That's all I want from you sweetheart and you don't have to deal with me if you don't want too. Though, I do hope you will answer when I call. No tricks, I wont have you killed if you don't. I keep my word, I said today. You did as you were told. I'm proud of you sweetheart. Just don't forget me."

"How could I?" He spoke ambiguously because how could he forget the man who traumatized him, beat him, raped him, read to him, held him through the nightmares, rescued him, gave him a new life, and now wanted him to hang out with this girl. It all felt surreal. How would he forget him? He couldn't if he tried. The feelings he held towards this man was so jumbled up he didn't know what feeling was what. 

"You take care of yourself darlin. I don't want you eatin a bunch of junk food, getting fat and sick. You hear me? Ill try to call you again soon, save this number. Its a mobile. If you don't want to talk to me, like I said, just write me when you're somewhere you're going to stay, when you're safe. Go somewhere no one will find you. Just take my little girl with you okay." He spoke rapidly and his drawl was thicker. If Juice didn't know better he'd think the man was on the verge of tears. Satan couldn't cry, could he?

"Ill let you know when I get her okay? Take care of yourself Tully."

Was all he said before he hung up the phone, not giving the other man time to respond. He wasn't even sure if he meant what he said, but he figured maybe he owed it to the man to let him know his kid was alright. 

He went into the bathroom and started the shower again, he needed to wash off the gross feeling he got just from hearing his voice. He needed to scrub away the feelings that man gave him, the ones he could identify and the ones he couldn't. He would open the envelope later, maybe he could see a new face when he looked in the mirror.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan gets his knew name. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

_Roberto Miguel Ramirez_ , Juan scoffed. Could that redneck have chosen a more stereotypical name? He read the name over and over trying to make it stick in his mouth. He figured he could always use Micheal when doing introductions. _Micheal_ wasn't so bad, but Ramirez. Really? He was definitely changing that as soon as possible.

His bag was packed and he was out the door. In his wallet was a new identity, a debit card with his name on it, connected to Tully's account. He cringed but knew it was the only way any of this would be possible at all. Without the Nazis help he'd be trading under table favors. His first goal get the hell out of Florida, his second goal, get a job. Everything else would fall into place as it could.

He felt strange going outside without his leathers. It still wasn't natural, he'd only been on the run a little over a week. In only a T-shirt and some baggy jeans he felt exposed to the world. His sunglasses and ball cap fit into the environment, no one really looked at him twice, which was a huge relief.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked the boardwalk. The boardwalk was busy with people, being so close to the beach was good. People were always coming and going, the odds of seeing many of the same people was small. His stomach grumbled defiantly, he sighed knowing he’d have to give in and eat, using more of Tully’s money. Using his new card. He was illegal, a crime, the thought of being caught now held more weight than it ever had.

He pulled out his burner and checked the time, 1:45 PM. Lunch wouldn’t hurt, then he could get a cab to the airport.

He sat in a booth at a dingy Waffle House alone. His mind reeling out of control, even though he wanted it to stop. His thoughts drifted to his brothers, what were they doing right now? Did they miss him at all? He knew this new life was going to be lonely but he hadn’t expected his brain to cave in on itself like it was doing. In all the world now, he only had one person he could talk to, be honest with, and depend on. The one living person he wanted to hate the most.

He pulled the burner back out, and reluctantly decided that maybe texting the number wouldn’t hurt. It gave him a chance to feel normal, and talk to someone. He could text anything and it didn’t matter. It would be days before Tully was able to check the phone anyway.

**Diner food sucks. I’m going to get fat eating this shit. Guess that’s a small price to pay huh. :)**

He sat the phone on the table and dug into his congealed hash browns and soggy patty melt.

The phone pinged and he jumped. He didn’t expect a response that quickly. He was scared to look at it, what if Tully sold him out. Doubt flooded his brain as anxiety filled his chest. He tried to ignore it, but then it pinged again. He exhaled and nervously picked it up. It was the same number. His chest clinched with disgust at himself as he felt himself hope it was Tully and not some other prisoner, guard or a Son.

(First text)

**_Hey sweetheart, I knew you’d message me at some point. I thought it would take longer._ **

_(second text)_

**_I’m glad you did. You can message anytime. I know you need someone to talk too. I won’t even give you hard time about it. <3 _ **

Juan’s hands were shaking as he read the text. He was flooded with feeling. He didn’t like any of them. He pressed send on the phone, listening to the line ring.

“Well this is a surprise.” Tully’s voice rattled through the speaker. Juan sighed audibly into the phone.

“I-I uh- wanted to ma-make sure it was you. G-got nervous.”

“Well darlin it’s me. Calm down, you’re stuttering like you do when you’re upset. Do we need to go through your breathing exercises?”

Juan tensed. _Why did this man have to know so much about him? Why did he have to be the one to help him so much. Why was he even calling him?_ Nothing made sense. He wanted to just hang up, but now he’d worried the asshole and he’d call back, or send someone to check on him. He didn’t need a redneck baby sitter.

“No.” He cleared his throat.

“No im fine. I just got worried someone else might have access to this phone. I just needed to feel like I was talking to someone. Didn’t think you’d answer so fast or at all.”

 _“_ Why wouldn’t I answer you? You’re the only person out there who talks to me without it being AB business. I need you just as much as you need me. No reason we can’t be friends.”

Juan was silent.

 _“_ I mean I am a good friend right? Giving you my money and all. Setting you free. You call or text any time. I’ll be there when I can. Don’t worry so much about me selling you out. I know that’s what this is about. I never sold you in here, I ain’t gonna sell you out there. I told you, I take care of my things. Of course you’re not a thing darlin, but I do care about you.”

Juan was silent.

His gut was churning and he felt sick inside. Why did this have to be his only friend. Why did this man fill him with relief and pain? He needed to hurry up and find the girl and then escape. For good.

“I know you do. I really am thankful for your help. I don’t like using your money. I’m going to get a job and pay it all back.”

Ron cut him off.

 _“_ Hush with that nonsense. What good is it doing me in here? I get what I need, use what I need. My daughter doesn’t use it. Take care of yourself. It makes me feel better knowing you’re okay out there. The AB is constantly putting money into the account and on my books here. If you pay it back fine, if you don’t fine.”

Juan felt his anger coming to the surface. _Why did this man get to feel better about himself?_ After what he’d done, to other people, to Juan. Juan had to die for what he did, he had to become someone else. He didn’t get to feel better about himself even with a new name. He was still in Hell and he would die in Hell.

“Okay Tully. I need to go. You gotta pay for my lunch.” He laughed half heartedly.

The fact that falling into a casual back and forth was seemingly easy was bothering him. He wanted to never speak to him again, though he also found himself wondering how often he could actually talk to him.

He needed to ditch the stupid burner and get a smartphone. He needed access to the internet. He needed access to all his old accounts and documents. He could hack things, erase the trace. He could create new social media profiles online back date them. The wheels in his head starting turning, falling into this new identity would happen easier if he got to build the kind of man he was going to be.

**I’m going to ditch this flip phone. I’ll keep the SIM card from it and put it in a new one. I want an updated phone with data options. You care?**

He asked for permission, what the fuck was wrong with him?

 ** _No baby. Get what you want. Get one of them tablet things or a laptop. You’ll need that won’t you? Don’t want the big brain getting mushy cause you stopped using it. Maybe Roberto can go to college_**.

Juan’s eyes widened, he’d not considered college since he was a teenager. This time Tully had a good point, he could in fact go to college, start clean. Juan already had an associates in tech he’d gotten out of boredom online. He could easily transfer everything to his new name. Erasing any trace of Juan Carlos ever even attending the course. He sighed to himself. _Fine, tech store first, then cab to airport, then Nebraska to find the girl._

He texted back a smiley face to Tully and shoved the phone into his pocket.


	4. 4

Juice spent the better part of an hour saying bye to his bike. He hadn't been able to ride it since he'd gotten to Miami but leaving her behind still hurt. He had stripped all of her serial numbers, started taking her apart. He'd have to send her pieces all over. He didn't want anyone from SAMCRO to find her and track him back here.

 

Juice, Juan Carlos Ortiz no longer existed, he died in prison. Stabbed in the throat left to bleed out on the floor. He had to let go of anything that could be traced. He wiped his eyes and stood inside the hotel room looking at the boxes that held her parts. It just seemed so wrong. He'd gone through the motels phonebooks gathering addresses from all over the states and a few international ones. All of his boxes were stamped ready to send, no return addresses. Leaving them with the front desk felt like a risk but he'd have to take it.

 

He looked at himself in the mirror, his facial hair was growing in thicker, still splotchy but there was more of it. His hair had grown in, the urge to cut it was driving him crazy, but he knew it was the only way to cover his tattoos. Thankfully his hair grew fast, the sides of his hair had grown in enough that you could only see darker patches where his tattoos are, otherwise they weren't recognizable.

 

He took a deep breath, giving the dingy room a once over. He knew once he closed this door behind him he'd never be Juan Carlos again. He was now Roberto Miguel Ramirez, though he still figured he would go by Michael, he liked that better. Anything was better than Justin Tully. Fucking Tully, he was a smart bastard.

 

Juice knew he was grooming him, gaining his trust. Slowly taking his independence, he had done it in the prison and even out here he wasn't free. He could see the man face when he closed his eyes. Those piercing dark eyes, that smirk that was permanently plastered on his face, and why in the fuck doesn’t the Nazi asshole not have eyebrows?! Seriously does no one think that's odd? Juice would never understand the man and for that he was grateful.

 

He grabbed his bag and walked out of the room. Leaving no trace he'd ever been there, the room was cleaner now than when he'd found it.

 

 _Michael_. He had to remember to introduce himself as Michael as much as possible. The name still felt funny in his mouth. He cursed under his breath as sweat starting rolling down his face in the heat. So far he hated Miami, even though he fit in. Most of the people he ran into were Cuban or Puerto Rican. His Spanish was decent, better than he'd ever told the Sons it was. He had figured he didn't need any more points against him than he already had so he stuck to English. Maybe adopting Spanish full time would help him transition into Michael, maybe it would just drive him crazy.

 

He turned his iPod on and shoved the buds into his ears. Popping along with the music he'd walked for an hour. He wasn't sure how far he'd made it, but he was at least near a more inhabited part of town than the motel was in. His stomach grumbled and he hated himself for it. Just more of Tully's money to use. The town at least had some restaurants with food unlike the diners who had grease covered grease that tasted like grease with some meat bits in it. The thought made him nauseous.

 

He walked into a little cafe, it was airy and bright. The menu was written in chalk, not too many options. He liked it here, it was clean, the employees were clean, it felt safe. He took a seat at a table close to a window, waiting for the waitress to come take his order.

 

She was pretty, and young. Probably still in college Juice figured. She had long auburn hair and big round eyes, tan skin, she was thin but not too thin. All his time in the Sons he'd forgotten what real women look like. Girls who haven't had a bunch of work done to sell more films, a part of him liked it out here just for that. She was sweet, she had a kind voice when she took his order. She didn't have pity in her eyes when she looked at him, as she must see a lot of comers and goers through out the town. She did look curious as if she expected him to have a story, and to share. Like so many others before him would have.

 

The chicken salad he'd ordered was the best thing he'd eaten in weeks. He didn't even care that he was still drinking a coke with it. He felt healthier already. He'd gained a little weight these weeks eating all the  shit he was eating. He didn't want to get pudgy he was vain in that aspect.

 

"Hey can I ask you a question?" He asked the waitress in his best confident voice.

 

She looked at him expectantly but didn't say anything.

 

"Where is the nearest tech store?"

 

She thought for a moment. "It's up the way a little bit in a strip mall on the left. It's not super far from here."

 

"Awesome. Uber run out here?"

 

She nodded. His phone was a stupid flip phone nothing new tech. His face burned red for a moment and then he sucked in his breath just accepting it.

He waved his phone in front of face.

"Could you maybe do it for me? I had to get a replacement and this is what I'm working with till my new phone gets here." It was a lie but it worked none the less.

 

She nodded and smiled. Well smiled was being polite about it, she right out laughed at him and patted his shoulder. He couldn't tell if she was flirting with him or not but a part of him wanted her to be. Maybe if he could get laid and it not be a bad experience he'd get out of this funk he was in. Maybe her tight hot body would replace the images of Tully's hard sweaty man body in his mind.

 

"How long you in town for?" She asked casually picking up his plate.

 

"I'm leaving tonight. Just passing through honestly."

 

She nodded and smiled, he thought he saw some disappointment on her face. He also could have just wanted it to be there.

 

"Oh. There's just so much to do here in Miami, I figured you'd probably be here for a while."

 

He drank some of his soda and swallowed hard. He shined his mega watt smile at her.

"My plans aren't definite. I could always stick around a little while. It's just not as much fun when you're alone ya know?"

 

She giggled a little. "Well I'm off the next couple days after this shift. If you wanted, and you promise not to be a serial killer or something, I could show you around."

 

He grinned more. "Even if I were a serial killer, I wouldn't kill you. You're to beautiful." He felt stupid as soon as he said it but it was out now. He couldn't take it back.

 

She burst out laughing. "Yeah, your not smooth enough to be one I guess huh. I'm Amber by the way."

 

"Michael." He extended his hand shaking hers.

 

"When the car gets here, I'm going to check out the tech shop and maybe go get some new wheels. I totaled my bike. That's actually why I'm here at all. Crashed coming in off the highway. Nothing can be done for her so I'm in the market. Want to go car shopping with me?"

 

"Getting a cage instead of a bike huh?" She smirked at his expression.  "I ride for sport, motocross. I guess a car would be better if you're going far. What did you have?"

 

"Dyna, 1584 cc engine. She was a smooth ride. I'm gonna miss her." He shook his head sadly.

"A car would better for the trip I've got to make though."

 

"Where you going?" She kept her voice casual, but she did enjoy talking to him. It helped of course that he was hot. He knew it, he always played off his looks.

 

"Nebraska."

Her eyes went wide, and then her phone dinged before she could respond. "Ohh looks like your ride is here."

 

He stood and thanked her for her help. When he got to the door he looked over his shoulder at her smiling.

 

"When are you off? I wouldn't mind company while cage shopping. If you're interested that is."

 

A mans voice was heard in the back calling for her. She smiled really big and giggled walking backwards towards the kitchen, holding up her fingers to show four. He nodded and walked toward the car. He felt a little bit lighter after his conversation with her. Maybe he could stick around a few days and kill some time with her. He didn't have to hurry to be anywhere.


	5. 5

The tech store was great, it was a standard big box retailer but it had plenty of decent hardware. He felt like it was the one good thing since he came to this place. He spent two hours just circling the place, touching everything and make hypothetical plans.

He told himself he was killing time waiting for Amber but really he was just giddy being in the store.

 

He selected previous generation iPhone,even though he had no one to really call or talk too. Besides Tully but he could make friends. Amber could be a good place to start. He hated the stupid burners they used in the club. He chose a cheap basic laptop but it would do what he needed it to do. He couldn't bring himself to get something nice knowing he might not have it long.

 

After he'd made his purchases, he walked over to a cafe with outdoor bistro tables and pulled the phone out. The tables had outlets which he found to be amazing, he let the phone charge a bit before turning it on. Charming would never have something this cool. He thought to himself.

 

**Hey it's me. I'm getting a new phone, not sure if this number will transfer. I'll update you.**

 

He cringed as he sent the text, he didn't know what impulse made him text the bastard. He breathed shallowly waiting to see if it would ring or not. Just as he had an impulse to send the stupid message he knew he wouldn't be able to ignore it if it went off.

 

Several minutes went by of him just sitting there, taking in the things around him. The town wasn't so bad, if it weren't so hot he could see himself here. He tried to distract himself and think about Amber, he still had two hours before she was off.

 

Finally the phone screen lit up that was ready to use. The battery was only at forty percent but it would do for set up. He put in all of the necessary information, following the prompts on the screen. Since he hadn't signed up for a plan he had to create an account to switch his number. He sighed frustrated, wanting to just get a new one, so that's what he did. It was still a prepaid phone but it was at least from this century. He programmed Tully's number into the phone under Tech Support. He didn't want to see his name pop up every time he sent something and tech support was ambiguous enough.

 

Downloading apps was a whole other ballgame and it was driving him bat shit. He had to create an email and then log in and then download and then log in. Everything he ever had before was not valid due to his death. Starting over was more annoying than he thought it was going to be. Eventually he resorted to just downloading Uber so he could get a ride back to cafe he'd had lunch in.

 

He mentally kicked himself because he had no clue what the name of the place was. He hadn't paid attention at all. At least with his new obnoxious phone he could map the area and try to find it. Twenty minutes of cursing and zooming in and out on the map he finally found what had to be it. _Brunch Munch Cafe'_ the walk wouldn't be too terrible, thirty five minutes. He was tired though and didn't want to make the trek, it seemed mostly up hill anyway.

 

He called the cafe, holding his breath as it rang. He didn't want to show up and look like a crazy person if she hadn't been serious. He figured calling was only minorly crazy. Beads of sweat were rolling down his face, from the heat and the anxiety when a man picked up the line.

 

"Brunch Munch Cafe' are you placing an order ?"

 

He stalled, unable to get his words out. His mouth felt dry and he couldn't think of what to say.

 

"Hello? You there?" The man started sounding impatient.

 

Juice cleared his throat. "Hi, this is Micheal. I was actually calling to see if Amber was still around? I spoke with her earlier. I uh... I just wanted to thank her for her help." He figured if she didn't want to talk to him that was a cop out.

 

The man sounded hesitant at first but none the less he called for Amber. "Just a moment sir. She's coming up."

 

Every second of silence rustling in the line he felt his heart rate increase. He practically jumped from his chair when her voice came through the line.

 

“Amber, how can I help you?” Her same sweet voice came over the line.

 

He choked audibly and then cleared his throat.

“Hey. This is Michael. From uh... from earlier.”

 

She laughed. “I remember. What’s up?”

 

“Um well I wanted to thank you for your help. I appreciate it.”

 

“Oh, well it’s no problem. You get where you needed to go?”

 

He started to relax a little, his voice sounded more casual.

 

“I did. Got a decent phone now. Um, I still have to go look at cars. Did you still want to go with me?”

 

He could hear her smile through the phone. Her cheeks flushed a little. “Yeah totally. Can you Uber back here? Or I can come pick you up. Where are you?”

 

She sounded excited so he took that to be a good thing.

 

“I’m at a cafe outside the tech store. Messing with this phone. Whatever works best for you is fine.”

 

“Great. I’ll swing by and get you. See you soon Micheal.”

She hung up before he had time to respond.

He smiled anyway, bouncing his leg in excitement.

 

The burner phone pinged, his gut dropped.

 

**Let me know. Appreciate you keeping me in your loop baby. Hope you got what you needed.**

 

He shuddered as he read it. He could hear his voice in his head. He waited, trying to think of what to say. Nothing sounded reasonable. The asshole had said he didn’t have to talk to him but he was sure it was a test. If he didnt Tully would cut him off and then what would he do? He felt like he had to play nice until he had all of his own affairs in order. He didn’t want to send a stupid letter if the man was able to just text him. 

 

**I did get a phone I like. Thank you for that. I got a computer also, but I didn’t spend a bunch of money. I can send you receipts if I need too. The new phone has a different number. Do you want it, or do you want me to keep the old burner?**

 

One thing he was thankful for in text, he could think about his words and Tully couldn’t hear his voice falter on the other line. He knew it was dumb to be nervous or to even keep up talking to the man, but letting go was harder.

 

**Toss it. Just text from the new phone. You don’t need a bunch of junk to carry around. You’ll look suspicious with two phones. Only people with two are criminals. You’re not a criminal baby boy.**

 

Juice felt his stomach flip, trying to vomit. The endearment, he always used inside. Everyone knew he was Tully’s, no one would touch him. Everyone called him _Tully’s boy_ , Tully called him baby boy. He wasn’t sure if it was meant to infantilize him or if the man just liked saying it but it made Juice feel dirty.

He sent a short message from the new phone.

 

**Me**

 

A second later it pinged again.

 

 **Good job. Send me a picture. I want to see that you’re okay. These new phones have good cameras**.

 

Juice felt his face heat up. What if he was being messed with, what if it wasn’t Tully and someone from SAMCRO was testing him. After he didn’t reply for a while the phone went off again.

 

**Don’t be mad. I’m not being mean. I just miss you is all. You’re the only person who ever knew the real me. I get why you’re nervous, but no one else uses my shit. You know that. Have I ever lied to you?**

 

Juice sighed, chewing on the inside of his lip, his hands started shaking. Tully had him there. The bastard may have hurt him, but he stopped. He hadn’t ever lied to him, and he kept him safe from other people inside. Now he was protecting _him_ from _his_ own club. Cleaning up _his_ mess for him. In some sick part of himself Juice reasoned that maybe Tully really did have some sort of feelings for him. As much as a monster could have anyway.

 

**No. You haven’t. You go first. Please?**

He was making himself sick, defaulting to his pouty voice Tully made him use. The man liked it when he asked nicely for things he wanted, he’d made him ask him. He’d buy things in the commissary he knew Juice would want and couldn’t buy, just to offer it to him, and then make him ask for it. Juice tried to resist everything but eventually he caved. Caving was so much easier and Tully was so much nicer when he was a good puppet. He hoped the message came across the way he wanted it too, but he also didn’t want it too at all.

An image message came through. It was Tully, smiling his big frikin smile. His eyes looked genuinely happy, lacking the monstrous dark gleam he normally had. It made Juice uncomfortable.

 

**See, just me baby. Your turn** _._

Juice thought about scowling and sending that but then he figured the man would like it regardless. He just put on a smile and tried to look happy and well. The picture turned out pretty good to be a lie. He sent it.

 

**Good boy. You look good. You let your hair grow, probably a good idea. Thank you for appeasing me.**

 

Juice couldn’t think of a reply, he just sat the phone down. He was trying to steady his breathing when he saw Amber walking towards him.


	6. 6

She smiled when she spots him, he can't see her eyes behind her sunglasses but he can tell the smile is genuine. Her hair is hanging loose down her shoulders and she's changed from her cafe t-shirt into a black tank top. Juice has to make himself focus so he doesn't make an ass of himself.

 

"Hey stranger." She greets him, still smiling at him.

 

"Hey. You uh... you lead the way." He packed up his stuff and waited for her to start walking.

 

It was still hot out, maybe hotter than it was when he left this afternoon. He wasn't as focused on his misery now that he had someone to share it with for a while.

 

"Michael right?" He nodded. "I was worried I'd forget. I'm the best at names." She giggled, he smiled.

 

They walked through the big parking lot to her car. It wasn't fancy, a Nissan, newer model but not brand new. For some reason this relieved him.

 

"Where you from? If you don't mind me asking. I'm not from here either, just here for college. Moved here from Kansas."

 

He could tell she was nervous about having a man she didn't know in her car. She obviously didn't do this much. He figured the small talk was meant to make them both more comfortable.

 

"I wanted to thank you first of all, for uh doing this for me. You don't have too if you're uncomfortable." He sighed, his insides were getting shaky from anxiety. Meeting someone is always a risk, he didn't like taking too many of those. She didn't say anything, just nodded and started the car. "I'm from Queens. Was taking a solo tour of the east coast before I ship myself off to Nebraska."

 

"What's in Nebraska?" Her voice was calm and casual, she was relaxing.

 

"Family. Haven't seen them in a while, so I figured I'd include them in my road trip. I'll see a lot this way. Until now I haven't traveled much."

 

"Cool. That sounds like fun. You seen anything worthwhile so far?"

 

It was a good question, for a few reasons. It gave him time to think of an answer and any answer wouldn't be wrong. He wracked his brain for something he knew of on this side of the map that was worth mentioning.

"I've done a lot of beaches. Haven't spent too much time in each place unfortunately. I had planned on being in Nebraska in a few days actually. I've spent the longest here so far. I didn't plan this trip very well."

 

She sighed a little. "I'm a horrible trip planner. Some of my girlfriends and I wanted to drive out to California and stop at cool places along the way. We only gave ourselves two weeks to do it. We didn't plan for the time it would take to do things and get there ya know? We maybe saw a few neat things but mostly we were driving. Spent about three days in California for a music festival and then came back exhausted and didn't want to stop anywhere." She laughed at herself, the memory was obviously a fond one even if hadn't gone as planned.

 

He laughed with her feeling relief wash over him. "Should I be going with you to get a car then? Two bad planners cannot be a good thing." He joked with her, effectively getting her to keep smiling.

 

"So whatcha looking for? There's a car lot up here. Like used cars and stuff or there's a dealer on down a ways."

 

He pretended to think for a moment, and then gave up. "The used lot is probably best for this ordeal. I just need it to get me where I'm going. I'll sell it when I get back to Queens. Get something I'll keep."

He pulled out his phone, digging in deep to a part of him he wanted to let go. He had to turn on the flirty side of him that Tully had trained into him. He'd learned certain things inside with him, he could bat his lashes just right and the man would do anything for him. Juice figured if was going to be a used bitch then he could play too. He figured now was as good of a time as any to figuratively bat his lashes and ask for a car.

**Papi? I need to buy something but I don't want to spend too much money.**

He breathed in deep as he sent the message, disgusted with himself. It was just a means to an end, that was all. Eventually he'd be free of this, he wouldn't have to play this game anymore.

 

**Must be pretty big for you to ask so nicely baby boy. I can just see those big brown eyes looking up at me. That little pout you do when you need something, kills me. What is it?**

Juice read his reply and the damaged part of him inside bubbled with a fucked up pride in getting Tully to bend for him. He knew it was wrong, but every time the bastard praised him over something it fed the fire of belonging he had. He just wanted to belong, to not fuck something up. So badly that he took praise from a nazi bastard who abused him. Despite the facts he couldn't breakaway.

 

**Crashed my bike Papi. Figured I should get a car to get to Nebraska. I know how much you hate me riding that bike anyway. You were right, it's dangerous.**

 

He rolled his eyes to himself, waiting for the phone to buzz again.

 

**Did you get hurt? I told you to be careful. I'm proud of you for telling me, and for not getting another one. There's more than enough for you to get a decent car. Your money will be coming in soon. We'll get you an account set up.**

 

Juice wanted to vomit, talking to him like this made him sick. He could see him looking at him with that grin, eyes roaming over his body. Even though he wouldn't touch him anymore without Juice coming to him for it, he wasn't shy about making his desires known. Sometimes Juice would go to him out of what felt like obligation, especially if he'd just done him a favor. Sometimes it was just because he needed to feel something, even disgust. His body always betrayed his emotional state when they were "together." His cock would respond and Tully always made sure he came first, even if it was just a numb response.

 

**Thank you Papi.**

 

They made it to the lot in no time. She grabbed his hand as they walked up and down the rows of cars, checking out the specs on them. He liked the way the warmth of her skin felt in his hand. He tried not to think about it too much, if anything this was a fling then he'd be on his way.

 

Most of the cars were basic sedans, SUVs, vans, nothing really screamed at him. A lot of them had high mileage. He just wanted something with a working radio, AUX plug in and air conditioning. Those were his main requirements for now. He'd worry about something permanent later.

 

A black partially restored '80's model Camero caught her eye. She grabbed his hand, running pulled him over to it.

 

"What about this baby!" She beamed excitedly, running her fingers over the hood.

 

"That for me or you?" He chuckled. He did like the car, it was a little showy for now though. Plus he didn't plan on keeping it, but maybe he could. This car looked more like a Juice car, not like something a guy named Roberto Miguel would drive. He felt like it was such a nerdy name, what was Tully thinking?

 

"You'd look hot behind the wheel of this bad boy." She teased him, lacing her fingers through his for a moment before pulling away.

 

An overweight salesman walked towards them, with a plastic smile on his sweaty face. He waved at them, as he made his way over. He wore a suit despite the heat and just looked uncomfortable. Juice felt bad for him really.

 

"What can you lovely folks with today? Noticed you checkin out that Camero. It's been restored, runs smooth. Would get you where you're goin, and offer a project to someone into that sort of thing. A little work and she'd be a full restorative show piece." He had a thickly southern accent that made Juice flinch a little.

 

For a moment he couldn't say anything, just smiled and nodded.

 

"Can we take her for a test drive?" Amber spoke up, grabbing his hand again. She wasn't sure what it was about Michael but she liked him. He didn't seem to pose a threat to her and he was funny. She was a little disappointed he was leaving soon.

 

The salesman tipped his hat and nodded. "Absolutely. Just need to see a valid license and I'll grab the keys."

 

Juice hesitated, Amber nudged him. "You wanna drive?" He asked, swallowing thickly. He hadn't used his new ID, what if it came back void? He felt a panic creeping up into him.

 

"No silly. You need to do it. You're the one that has to take her to Nebraska. See what you think? If this isn't what you're looking for we can look at other things too." She sounded almost apologetic as if she'd offended him.

 

He pulled out his wallet and handed the man his license.

 

"Alright Roberto here's the keys. We'll take her around the block and you tell me what you think."

 

They all climbed into the car. "Roberto?" Amber laughed.  He felt the blush creep into his face, even his ears burning. The large man sitting beside him chuckled as well.

 

"Well I don't go by that name. Middle name is actually Miguel but it sounds dumb so I've always just gone by Michael." She could hear the embarrassment in his voice.

 

"I was just teasing. I just didn't expect that is all. I think it's cute really." 

 

He cranked the car and pulled onto the road. It felt good behind the wheel, natural. He could put some work into her and keep her. Wouldn't take much like the salesman said. She drove smoothly and the radio worked. The test drive was over way too soon leaving him wanting a few more laps.

 

The salesman and Amber got out of the car, Juice stayed put for a bit. He handed his phone to Amber from the drivers side window.

"Take my picture, I need to see me in here."

He looked straight ahead, one hand on the wheel, the other elbow propped on the window. She snapped the picture for him, he turned and smiled at her, his brilliant mega watt smile, she snapped that one also.

 

He opened the door and got out, handing the man the keys.

"Can I have a moment to think about it? Do you have a restroom I can use in the mean time?"

 

The man nodded, Juice didn't even think about it, he just grabbed Ambers hand and laced their fingers as they crossed the lot. They giggled and talked about the car. All the pros and cons of her on the way inside. The salesman showed him to the restroom.

 

He locked himself inside a stall and pulled out his phone. He sent the picture of him smiling to Tully.

 

**What about this one? Please Papi?**

 

He wondered how the man kept his phone with him like he did, but then again the man basically ran the prison. He was less of an inmate and more of an inside warden.

 

**You look happy baby boy. If that's what you want and you'll keep smiling like that then I'm not going to object. How much? How fast?**

 

Juice laughed at the text, he didn't know why. It wasn't funny, it was disgusting, but for some reason Tully's concern for his well being cracked him up.

 

**Yes I like it. I mean I could get something different, it is a macho car. Didn't think you'd like me in it. It can go fast but that doesn't mean I won't be careful.**

 

He was getting anxious, if Tully said no then he wouldn't disobey, not now. Not when the man could very well end the life he'd given him.

 

**Thank you for considering what I like. I just want you to be happy. You didn't answer the question. How much?**

Juice smiled a little too much now.

 

**2,300. It's a partial restore. I can work on her and finish then restorations. It would be a good project to keep me busy and out of trouble. Plus I'll pay you back when my accounts are paid out.**

 

He needed to leave the stall, but he couldn't without an answer. He would also need to be able to get that much from the bank. He hadn't even thought of that.

 

**Let me call the bank baby boy. I gotta tell them a large transaction is about to come through. I've already told you to stop the nonsense about paying me. What's mine is yours as long as you're mine baby boy.**

 

Juice did throw up now. His stomach heaved and he lost the contents in the toilet. He would always be his. He would never get away from Tully, not alive. He braced himself against the wall. This time he just sent a thank you.

 

He walked out of the stall and splashed water on his face, trying to steady his nerves. He took a deep breath and left the bathroom, scanning the room for Amber.

 

"Sorry I took so long. I had to call the bank and let them know I'd be making a large withdrawal. Waiting on a message that it's been approved."

 

He spoke loudly on purpose so the salesman would hear him and hopefully stay away. He sat himself on the hard couch in the lounge part of the office, beside Amber. She pulled out her phone, smiling at him she leaned into his shoulder, when he smiled as well she snapped a picture of them. In the moment he forgot how dangerous that could be. He just kept fighting the urge to kiss her.

 

When his phone buzzed this time he about jumped out of skin.

 

**It's a go baby boy. You can use the ATM card at the dealership. Don't worry about it being traced, my guys at the bank will clear the location. I expect a proper thank you.**

 

Juice swallowed he knew what that meant. He closed his phone, smiling casually at Amber. He nodded and stood back up. "Let's go get my car?"


	7. 7

Juice took his time signing the papers. He didn't want to fuck up and sign the wrong name on anything. The salesman handed him the keys once everything was done.

 

"Well guess you don't need me now huh?" Amber smiled bashfully at him.

 

"What! You're the only friend I have in this town. Of course I need you." He teased with his cocky smile.

 

They both looked at each for a long moment, neither breaking the silence. Outside it was sticky hot, Juice missed his sunglasses, he'd have to get some new ones. He was sweating, his shirt was sticking to him, which based on the way her eyes kept roaming over him should have been a good thing.

 

She brushed her hair behind her ears trying to gain the courage to speak. His smile was mesmerizing, she felt comfortable around him. Talking to him at all was so outside of her character, she didn't typically initiate anything, and she was a firm believer that everyone was probably a murderer. If no one suspected Bundy then she should suspect everyone.

 

"Hey." Juice broke the silence. He was certain this was the part where they went their separate ways and he spent the night bored and alone making his plans for Nebraska. He decided to give her an out, so she didn't have to do it. "I don't want to keep you though. If you've got something you've got to do, don't feel like you have to hang out with me, for real. I've got to go get a room for the night anyway, I uh, I had already checked out this morning before you convinced me to stay." He tucked his hands into his pockets awkwardly still grinning at her. She nodded and leaned back against her car, smiling shyly at him.

 

"There's a party tonight. If you're into that scene, just a bonfire and beer at the beach. If you want to go I could call you before hand. You could follow me there." She blushed, he knew she wasn't like the girls back in Charming, but she had a innocence about her.

 

She made it easy for him to forget that he was in fact a murderer, a criminal, a wanted fugitive more or less. He was supposed to be dead, but instead he was paying a debt to a man he hated, probably forever. She made him forget that stuff, in the few moments they'd spent together he liked just being normal.

 

"Yeah that could be fun. I'm not really a drinker but hanging out could be fun. Plus um. You're gonna be there so..." he trailed off. He knew it was lame to try and even flirt with her. He couldn't get it up if he tried right now and even if she didn't want to sleep with him, he couldn't date her. He couldn't really date anyone, dating came with honesty and he didn't want to start a relationship on a lie.

 

Back in Charming he had been a heavy drinker, he played with drugs on more than one occasion and had gotten sloppy more than once. Granted a new life he figured he could start over, for real. Drinking was a risk that meant he'd have to be diligent about keeping his mouth shut. Obviously that wasn't his strong suit. He couldn't afford any mishaps, sobriety was less of a choice and more of a necessity in this life. Plus Tully had warned him about using drugs on the street. The coke he got for him had been even cleaner than the stuff the Sons were moving. Tully didn't trust street drugs, and if caught wind that Juice had been using he'd told him it wouldn't be pretty. Juice had no reason to doubt him on that.

 

"Great!" She seemed relieved. "Let me see your phone and I'll program my number."

 

Juice hesitated, he didn't want to give her his phone and he see the messages Tully sent him. He decided to just open the phone to dial screen, if she did see it what was the worst that could happen? She just stop talking to him, he'd only known her for a day, that wouldn't be the end of the world. She quickly typed in the number and then dialed so her own phone started to ring.

 

"Now I have yours. I'll call you this evening. You can text me if you want. I'm just going to the library to study for a while."

 

He took his phone back, and saved her contact info. "Thanks. I'll text you when I've gotten settled in a room so you know where to find me." He waved her off before getting into his own car.

 

He drove into the main strip of town, there were hotels on every corner. He figured any place was better than the last place he'd stayed and his ID worked to buy a car he could get a decent room. He pulled into a Marriott. One thing he liked about this new phone, was that he could do everything from it. He booked his room online and paid without the person ever having to see how nervous he was about the transaction.

 

The lobby was nice, sure this wasn't a super upscale swanky hotel but it was nice. He walked up to the desk, repeating in his head that belonged here. That no one knew he was not good enough to be here, no one knew anything about him.

 

"Hi, I have a reservation tonight." He managed to sound some what confident.

 

The receptionist never even looked up at him, just started typing into the computer.

 

"Did you just make this reservation?" He spoke blandly, as if Juice was wasting his time.

 

Juice nodded. "Yes sir. It's under Ramirez." He tried to smile politely.

 

The receptionist kept clicking. "Ah here it is. Had to refresh the page. I just need an ID and a card to put on file for incidentals."

 

Juice pulled out his wallet and handed him the items. After what seemed like hours the man handed back his things along with a room key.

"Here you go sir. Enjoy your stay."

 

Juice relaxed a lot, he'd done it. He'd passed yet another test, maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

 

He only had a few things in the car with him, he hadn't brought much with him in the first place. The hotel had a laundry facility which was great, he was able to wash the other two outfits he had in his backpack.

 

The room was clean, the bed looked amazingly comfortable and the shower was bigger than necessary. Juice couldn't help but feel a since of pride in being there. This was how normal people traveled, they stayed in reputable hotels. He spent a long time in the shower, enjoying the fact that the water didn't change temperature from the scalding setting he'd put it at. There was shampoos and soaps in the room so he could do more than rinse off, he actually cleaned all over.

 

Once he finished, he felt like a new man, fresh and clean, his thick hair didn't look dirty. He could ditch the hat finally. He dried off a little with the towel and then just laid on the bed. He had several hours before he'd have to be ready to go to the party.

 

Despite the fact that he was tired, he couldn't shut his brain off enough to go to sleep. He pulled out the computer and plugged it up, letting it charge so he could tamper with it later. He decided to use his handy new phone and look up a tattoo parlor. He ran his hands over his bare chest, knowing he'd have to cover them up. They weren't small so whatever he got would have to be large. He went over ideas for a full chest piece, but he couldn't get that completed in one day. It would take sessions to complete. His arms were probably a better place to start. He didn't want to just black them out, he wanted something tasteful.

 

He finally picked out a tribal that he liked, it was big, would cover his entire forearm. He saved the picture for later, figuring he'd start it sooner than later.

 

 **Hey, so I'm settled. At the Marriott downtown. Going to a tattoo place to get an estimate**.

 

He sat the phone down, he wasn't expecting a quick reply. He got himself dressed in a clean outfit and made his way out. He still felt odd not wearing his cut, and having his arms exposed. Luckily there weren't any charters on the east coast but he still felt nervous someone might recognize his reaper.

 

**Hey! Excellent I'll let you know when I'm on the way. No rush, party doesn't start till 10. What tattoo are you getting? I didn't even notice if you had any.**

 

Juice smiled at the text, he waited till he got to the tattoo shop before he replied.

 **Yeah, I've got a few. Getting a tribal on my arm**.

 

"Hey. I wanted to get an estimate on a cover up tattoo." He greeted the girl at the counter. She smiled at him and nodded. He showed her his arm awkwardly.

 

"Need to cover this guy. Past life ya know?"

 

The girl had bright red hair, piercings all over the place, she had more tattoos than Juice had ever saw on a woman. Oddly enough he wasn't turned off by it, she was definitely attractive. She at least looked like she knew what she was doing.

"Whatcha thinking?"

 

He shrugged, opening his phone.

"I looked at a few things online. I like tribals, but I'm open to ideas."

 

She held his arm for a while longer, taking a pen and marking over it. It was still mostly black but the design looked cool. It wasn't tribal, it wasn't really anything. It looked really cool though, she made a straight boarder on top in case he wanted to make a sleeve later. He smiled and agreed with her.

 

"Two fifty sound good?" She looked at him expectantly.

 

"Yeah that's good. When are you available?" He was nervous, he didn't want anyone to notice the tattoo.

 

"It's a slow day. I can do it now if you want. It'll probably take a few hours."

 

Juice hadn't expected that, but he was eager to get started. The sooner his arms were clear the sooner he could move on with his life. He walked over with her and sat in the chair. While she busied herself getting her supplies together he snapped a selfie of himself.

 

**Getting inked! Miami moves fast.**

He sent it too her and to Tully. It was Tully's money, he deserved to know where it was going.

 

**You look so cute when you smile baby boy. Thanks for the picture.**

 

He sighed, of course he replied. He got himself comfortable and tried to just listen to the buzzing of the gun.

 

**Woohoo! Yep we try to move fast around here. Show me when you're done!**

He smiled, he couldn't help it. Something about her just made him feel like things could be okay.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice feels almost normal he’s never felt that way before.

When they pulled into the party Juice had to fight the urge to put the car in reverse. Everyone was so young, he was pushing thirty now despite his childish features. He tried to remember being that young and careless about everything. He didn't seem to have many of those memories, he couldn't remember a time that he wasn't on the run, or looking over his shoulder, or hiding in the dark. He didn't fit in with these kids, he was a criminal. He had done terrible things, things that still gave him nightmares. He had experiences these kids would never have, if they were lucky.

 

Amber startled him, tapping on his window.

Her features were soft, she looked so happy. He hated himself for knowing he'd be a black spot of misery on her memory.

 

"Hey you!" She waved at him through the glass. "You coming? No ones gonna bite you." 

 

He took a deep breath and opened the car door. His arm was wrapped in the bandage from the tattoo shop, he saw her eyes studying the visible ones.

She lifted his sleeve a little, fingers tracing over his bicep.

"Stoner... death... wait... does that say... cheese? As in cheddar? Swiss? What's your flavor?" She laughed harder when he blushed.

 

"I was young and stupid. Don't worry about it." He tried to hide his annoyance but he knew he wasn't doing a good job. It was a dumb tattoo, the guys had given him plenty of shit about it.

 

She chewed the inside of her cheek for a second before speaking again. "Didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry if that's a sore spot. We all have stuff like that. I uh... I ended up with a sour reputation at my old university. Had a real bad night at a party, if you get what I mean. He talked a big game the next day, everyone from my close circle treated me like crap afterwards. So I finished that semester and transferred here. I applied to so many schools, this one sent me the acceptance letter first so I packed my shit and moved down."

 

She knew she didn't have to tell him anything, could have just left it at sorry. But she felt like whatever it was that was bothering him, probably had something to do with this road trip he was on. He probably needed a friend, even if just for a little while.

 

He was looking at her kind of like she was crazy, surprised that she'd shared any of that with him. It did help ease the tension a little inside him.

 

"I'm sorry someone did that to you. You seem to be doing well now." He tried to smile and lighten the mood. He refused to ruin her night, he already knew being associated with her could ruin her life.

 

"Anything I should know about your friends? They aren't going to think it's weird, you showing up with me?" He sounded skeptical, he knew he didn't look like the rest of them. They'd be young, dressed in whatever was trendy, talking about things he didn't relate to. His world was so different, he didn't belong around a group of kids.

 

"Well, they all like music, like a lot. We usually jam around the fire. We're all legal drinking age, the semester just ended so that's important. There will probably be lots of booze. Nothing else really comes to mind. How old are you anyway? You act like you're some creepy old man but you can't be that much older than us." She sounded amused by the idea. He rolled his eyes, she probably had thoughts of him being a sparkly vampire pushing 180 or something now.

 

"Just turned thirty. So yeah, this life -he gestured around at the group in front of them- was a long time ago for me. At least it feels that way, ya know?"

 

She nodded understanding. "Well you're not that old, you'll fit in fine." She rubbed his arm as the approaches the group.

 

"Hey guys! This is Michael." She waved and pointed at him, he waved and nodded.

 

"Hey man, you want a beer or something?" Some guy with sun bleached blonde shaggy hair asked. Juice thought he kinda reminded him of Jax, when Jax was still human and not a revenge hungry power monster.

 

"No thanks man, I uh, I don't drink." It was odd how natural that sounded rolling off his tongue. The other guy nodded and handed him a pop from the cooler instead.

 

"Patrick. Nice to meet ya mate."

 

"Michael. Thanks."

 

Amber leaned into him a little. "He's from Australia, the chicks loves his accent." She whispered but still loud enough for Patrick to hear her. He turned grinning at her.

 

"Oh, I'm gonna miss America when I go back Dorothy!" He teased her, winking as he turned and sat back down on a the log he was using as a seat.

 

"Dorothy?" Juice whispered back to her.

 

She giggled. "You know, cause im from Kansas like the girl on the Wizard of Oz."

 

Juice shook his head no. He'd never seen that movie, though he felt like now he had a reason to see it.

 

He started to relax as everyone stopped staring at him and started talking to each other. Amber had a beer in one hand, and was taking shots with some other girls with the other hand. He reflected on the night, how everything was going. He felt normal, for the first time in his life, he felt normal. Which was sad because everything he was, was a lie.

 

“Hey Michael! Come ov’r ‘ere!” Amber slurred. Music was blasting on the beach, the group had grown significantly. Some guys had guitars playing around the fire, girls were dancing, everyone was laughing. Juice was talking with a guy he’d already forgotten his name. He was into bikes also, they were hitting it off pretty good, but when Amber called him over he shoved him in a friendly way towards her.

 

“Go Romeo! Dance with her before she starts asking me!” The guy teased making her blush a little.

 

He walked over to her grinning his cocky smile.

“What can I do for you ma’am?” He knew it was lame but he couldn’t stop the words.

 

“Dance with me?” She was tipsy, tipsy enough that he knew she couldn’t drive. Tipsy enough that he knew tonight would go no where because he wasn’t that kind of guy. He could dance with her though, he was good at that.

 

He put a hand at her lower back and pulled her close to him. “Like this?”

 

Her breath hitched as her eyes met his, her lips forming a smile.

“Would you be mad if I kissed you right now?” She whispered, feeling confident and free from the liquid courage she’d been downing. He shook his head no, figuring a kiss wasn’t harmful. He let his lips meet hers, her arms wrapped around his neck tightly, his hand pulled her closer, the other hand meeting her hip.

 

It was short, but nice. She pulled away, but kept their bodies close. “Thanks.” She replied shyly.

 

He let his forehead rest against hers, as they swayed to music coming over the speakers. He felt content for the moment. Nothing dark was clouding his mind, he was just Micheal, a normal guy, partying on the beach. She made him believe he was Michael, a real person, not a lie. He wished he could stay like this forever but he knew he had things to do. He’d have to leave, and keep up the illusion she unknowingly help him create.

 

The song ended and they parted. It was getting really late, he hadn’t realized how much time had passed but it was pushing three in the morning. Some people had trickled out, there was still a large group.

 

“So do you guys stay till the sun comes up?” He asked, taking her hand to lead her to a spot to sit in the sand. She laid her head on his shoulder, much more sober now than before but tired.

 

“Usually some do. It’s about time for me to go, if I’m going to be able to make it home.” She yawned.

 

“Yeah.” They were quiet for a bit. “You ever just look at the sky out here, how it blends with the water and wonder what it’s like to just go on forever?”

 

She giggled softly. “No, but I do like the sound of the water. I like closing my eyes and listening to the sounds. Imagining what it would be like to be that free.”

 

He rubbed his hand over her shoulder, pulling her in closer to him. “Yeah, that kind of freedom must be something.”

 

“Micheal?” She whispered sleepily.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Think you can drive me home? I’ll give you the address. I mean I’m not like ... you know? I just um, I don’t want to drive.”

 

He rubbed her arm some more. “I’m not going to try to come in or anything. Not while you’re inebriated in any way. I will drive you home though. Will you have a way back to your car in the morning?”

 

She yawned again and moved over to stretch. “I’ll call an Uber when I get up. You’re a good guy Micheal.”

 

He sighed, he knew he wasn’t a good guy. He’d done terrible things, she would hate him if she knew the truth. He stood up and brushed the sand off of himself before taking her hand and leading her to his car.

 

After she got what she needed from her own car, she hopped into his passenger seat.

“Oh I can show you my bike when we get there!”

 

He chuckled a little. “Not tonight. Call me tomorrow when you get up, if you still want me to come over and see it I will okay?”

 

She nodded and laid her head back on the seat. She gave him the address, never opening her eyes. She was asleep before he ever got it programmed into his phone.

 

A few minutes later he was pulling into her driveway.

“Amber. Hey Amber.” He spoke softly and shook her shoulder.

 

“We’re at your house. You need help getting in?” She rubbed her eyes and shook her head no.

 

“Thank you Michael. You know, most guys wouldn’t be so cool about just leaving.” She slurred, but from sleep not drink.

 

“Well I’m not most guys.” He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “Get inside. Call me tomorrow if you want too okay?”

 

She smiled brightly at him, her cheeks were burning red. He was thankful for his fan, at least his blush was subtle.

 

“I wish more guys were like you. I wish you weren’t leaving so soon. We could be good friends.” She opened the door, stepping out.

 

“We can still be friends. Call me tomorrow. Have a good sleep Amber.” He waved her off, as she closed the car door.

He waited in the driveway with the headlights on until he saw the door close behind her inside the house. He almost felt guilty that her life experiences led her to believe he was a good guy. Maybe deep down he was, when it came to things that mattered. But superficially he knew he was just trash. A junkie, murderer, criminal who was supposed to be dead.

 

His heart hurt, but he felt like he was flying at the same time.He’d survived so much in his life, one hell after another but he didn’t know if he was ready to face this new kind of hell.


	9. 9

Juice woke up the next morning to his phone buzzing beside his head. He answered it quickly, hoping it was Amber.

 

"Hello?" His voice was heavy with sleep.

 

 _"Hey baby boy. Good morning?"_ The deep voice drawled quietly through the phone. Juice didn't say anything, his heart sinking. What could he possibly want at this time of the day?

" _Did I wake you? It's morning there now right? I waited as long as I could."_

 

Juice groaned in annoyance. "It's seven thirty Tully. What, is it like four AM there?"

 

Tully chuckled quietly.

" _Yeah, I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd go ahead and talk to you. It's not just a random call baby. I promise it's important."_

 

Juice rolled his eyes, he wanted to sleep more.

"What is it Tully?" He couldn't hide the frustration in his voice, nor the sleepiness.

 

" _You could try to sound happy to hear from me ya know. You're much nicer when you text."_

 

Juice got himself out of the bed, trying not to punch a wall. Whatever this hold this man had on him he needed to break it. He was pliable to the mans manipulations, conditioned to submit. Worse even was that he couldn't ever figure out if he hated it or hated himself for feeling safe in spite of it. He walked into the bathroom and started to pee. He didn't even care the other man could likely hear it, hell he'd seen him piss many times before.

"M sorry Papi. Jus' sleepy is all." He cringed, he hadn't meant to given in like that. He knew it was just putting fuel in the fire.

 

That name... _Papi_ , was something that started because he'd felt like being a brat really. He knew the AB didn't like his Puerto Rican heritage, he had felt like rubbing it in his cell mates face a little. His memory flashed back to the moment he said it, even he wore a playful smirk as he openly teased or risked pushing his cell mate. The man had given him his laundry to fold, a task he'd been given every week. He looked at him defiantly, smirking when the words _si Papi_ left his lips.

He remembered the face Tully had made at him, as if he was pleased that Juice was being playful. _Don't go speaking that spic shit baby._ Juice had shrank away, his smirk leaving his face as he braced for the impact of a fist to his face. Instead Tully had been gentle when he gripped his chin and tilted his face up towards his own. _You can call me Papi though. I like it._ He'd let go quickly and walked back to the other side of the cell leaving Juice standing there in a complete state of confusion.

He'd mentally patted himself on the back that day, he'd had nothing, no control over anything, yet the term of assumed endearment seemed to hold some sort of power. Power he would use frequently throughout his incarceration, and evidently now in his prison of the free world.

 

Tully made a humming sound which Juice took to mean his new tone was acceptable.

 

" _We're you out late partying? You know how I feel about you getting fucked up. It's not safe."_

 

Juan held the phone away from his ear and sighed.

"I know. I didn't party. Was just up late."

 

He knew the man was stalling, keeping him on the phone as long as he could. However time on the phone in prison was limited.

 

“So uh, what was so important you lost sleep over it Papi?” He made his voice sound as cheerful as he could.

 

“ _Mmhm. Well baby boy, I’ve received word that your business shares have been successfully sold. The money has been deposited into an account one of my guys set up specifically for the occasion. So that part is done. Went much smoother than I expected it to go honestly.”_

 

The line was quiet for a moment while Juice collected his thoughts.

 

“So that’s good right? What about my actual account has it been closed out yet?”

 

_“No not yet. Trying to accomplish one thing at a time. Since you didn’t leave a will or power of attorney it’s been a little difficult getting everything taken care of. That fictional family member of yours has however started the process. Speaking of baby boy, did you know that a Fillip Telford was listed as your emergency contact? We’ve had to work out some things with him on our end, to access your accounts.”_

 

Juice froze. Why was he working with the club? Why was Chibs in control of any of his stuff?

 

“Why does Chibs have anything to do with this?”

 

“ _Well darlin, when you die in prison with no listed family, your emergency contact becomes your legal default of your estate. Now he doesn’t know you’re alive, just thinks you agreed to give me everything for protecting you. I played it real good sweetheart.”_

 

Juice didn’t know what to say, the club or Chibs rather was just freely handing over everything. Throwing him out with the trash basically. It was salt in an infected wound.

“Oh. Okay. Well thank you for handling everything for me Papi.” He knew his voice now sounded sad, it was pointless.

Tully hummed into the phone again.

“ _You know I’ll always take care of you baby. Try not to think about that life so much. Guard is coming to get me. It’s almost time for shift change. I’ll talk to you soon.”_

 

For once Juice was actually disappointed he had to cut the call short. He was depressed now thinking about Chibs and the club. His own brothers literally sold him over to this man, to hurt him, to break him, with false promises of taking him back. The very man they wanted to kill him was the very man that was giving him a new start. Whether it be intentional or not, this man was giving him confidence he hadn’t had before, for the first time he believed he could live without the club. Their betrayal though, hurt like a thousand cuts, far worse than any betrayal he had accidentally committed.

 

“Talk to you later.” He hung up the phone.

Well with his business sold, and Chibs signing over his appointed power of attorney Tully could get their plans into full swing. Soon he could open an account for Micheal and have the money sent over. His previous accounts could be closed, his storage buildings would soon be emptied and shipped somewhere permanently. Slowly, very slowly his life was coming together, though he knew this was barely the tip of the ice berg.

 

Sooner or later he would have to face himself, his inner demons, this girl he was supposed to find and ultimately he’d have to face Tully.

 

He went back over to the bed, it was only eight thirty, he had plenty of time to sleep more before he would need to decide to check out or stay another day. He hoped he’d hear from Amber, he was looking forward to seeing her bike. He at least wanted to tell her goodbye properly before left on his mission.


	10. 10

The next time he woke up it was almost noon, he still hadn't heard from Amber. He grabbed his phone, rolling onto his back he decided to message her first. Everything he could think of sounded stupid, he finally just went with a generic greeting.

Hey! You surviving your hangover?

 

He sat the phone down not expecting a quick reply. He needed to rent the room for another night. This was his last day in Miami. He could go anywhere, he could do anything, the thought of that was more terrifying than freeing.

 

Sometimes he hated how his brain was on constant over drive. His thoughts were spiraling around, planning for the worst. He needed to leave this place before something bad happened, before he fucked everything up. He decided then, he wouldn't renew his room, he'd just pack his shit, take a shower, and head out.

 

The fog billowed around the room, making it hard to breathe. He wrapped a towel around him waist and opened the door letting the steam out. He liked these moments when he could just be, who ever he wanted to be when he was alone. It was a side of himself the guys had never gotten to know. He turned his music up playing from his phone, he sang along loudly, not really giving a damn about the neighbors. What were they going to say? _The neighbor is singing badly._ Could be worse, he could be fucking someone, he always was vocal.Well until Stockton, but he shook that thought away.

 

He kept wiping fog from the mirror as he cleaned up his mustache. When he finished the drawn out endeavor he walked out of the bathroom,dancing like an idiot. Practicing what he considered his best stripper move he shimmed with his back to the bed pretending he had an audience, he popped the towel open and threw it onto the bed.

 

“Well that was more than I bargained for!”Amber squealed.

Juice froze for a half a second at the voice, his mind not registering who it was. He grabbed his gun from the dresser spinning around he had it trained on her skin frame sitting on his bed. He was fast, like he used to be, he never even slowed down to think about what he was doing, acting purely on instinct. Far as he was concerned she was with the club, with Tully, worse the feds. The barrel of the gun was pressed against her skull before she could process what was happening.

 

He heard her sobs, breaking through his panicked internal dialogue. His mind he was rationalizing that everything was okay but he couldn’t make his body move. His heart was pounding, he couldn’t see the hotel room, he instead heard the sounds of rusty pipes. He smelled cement and blood, the rust of the boiler, he heard the invisible voices of the Chinese surrounding him, Amber was no longer Amber, she was Lin and be damned if he let them hurt him again.

 

“Please Micheal! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. The front desk let me in, I’m so sorry. Please, put the gun down. Please.” She pleaded with her eyes closed.

 

“Shut up Lin! I’m not going to die down here, this time I’m prepared.” He mumbled, incoherently. She couldn’t make out everything he had said, but she got enough to understand despite her fear that he was definitely suffering from PTSD. He brother came home from his time over seas in the Air Force that way, he still hated the Fourth of July.

 

He held his breath, he couldn’t speak anymore. He knew if he spoke again he’d call for Tully, for him to save him, to come get him. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to be here. The voices in his head were driving him crazy. Tully patched him back together after his last tune up, he didn’t think he’d survive another one. The fact that his mind immediately went to Tully for comfort made his stomach twist in a painful wave of nausea.

 

He never lowered the gun, his hand shook, he took a deep breath. His rational brain telling him it wasn’t Lin, his panicked brain telling him he was in the basement of the prison and he was going to die. Her voice slowly started to bleed through the chaos.

 

“Micheal! Please! It’s Amber! I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never hurt you. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know where you are. But I’m here, I want to help you. Please God just put the gun down!” She was screaming hoarsely in panic.

 

He felt panicked, the more he heard her voice, he knew he had fucked up, just like he knew he would fuck up. Now he’d owe her an explanation, she’d never forgive him. She’d never want to see him again of course. What if she told on him, the cops would be looking for him. She had that picture on her phone, the panicked voice now started rallying against her. Fuck! This was too out of control now, he didn’t know what to do.

 

He wiped his eyes with one hand, realizing he had been crying. She was not begging any more, just shallowly breathing with her eyes closed. She looked almost like she’d accepted what was coming, like she was at peace with it. That ripped his gut into, he’d been ready, at peace. Tully took that away from him, why did Tully always have to win?

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Amber.”He sobbed with her as he dropped the gun from her head. He disengaged it, replaced the safety and placed it on the dresser.

“You should go. I’m so sorry.” He turned, embarrassed, hurt, furious with himself. He realized he was completely naked, making matters so much worse. Who knew what she thought he was going to do.

 

“It’s okay Micheal, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have let myself in. I’ll wait for you in the lobby, if you come down I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. If you don’t come down, I understand this is goodbye. I hope you get the help you need, whatever you’re running from will catch you if you don’t. It caught my brother, he put that bullet into his own skull. You deserve better than that. Fifteen minutes, I’ll wait fifteen minutes.” She closes the door behind her, her insides were shaking uncontrollably. She didn’t expect to walk out of the room alive, here she was, still breathing.

 

She had watched as her brother pulled the trigger, somewhere inside of her she knew it wasn’t her fault. Micheals problems weren’t hers to fix, but she couldn’t help but feel like she needed to help him. She couldn’t help her brother, maybe she could at least help him.

 

Juice sank down onto the bed, mind reeling over what the fuck he’d just done. He was loosing his mind, absolutely loosing his mind. He figured if she wanted an explanation he at least owed her that much, he just almost killed her and she agreed to talk to him. He didn’t know if he was brave enough to face her.


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> History lesson in Juan Carlos 101

Juice rushed to mentally get his shit together, at least enough to try and explain himself. What could he say? _I'm Juan better known as Juice, an escaped convict sentenced to die by my own club. I've killed people, been on drugs, smuggled guns, I'm technically dead. My rapist helped me get across the country and I feel a deeply rooted connection to him that forces me keep in touch with the bastard. Also he bought that awesome car I got and I didn't wreck my bike I disassembled it and shipped it around the country. Nice to meet you._

 

That would never fucking work and he knew it. His entire life was fucked up. Someone like her had no business with someone like him. _Oh yeah, there's the part where why he is really going to Nebraska, what would she say to that?_ The more he thought about the reality of his life the more he realized that it was completely unbelievable, he could tell her everything and she'd never believe it.

 

This girl didn't owe him a thing, nothing, not one ounce of her kindness but she gave it so freely. He felt lucky for her that it had been him she so willingly trusted. What if he'd been some of his brothers, hell anyone else really? He shuddered to think of the things that could have happened to her, just meeting strangers like she had.

 

There was decency deep inside of him, but he'd long sense forgotten how to just be that person. He really hoped he wouldn't be the reason she loses her humanity. She would lose it, of course she would right? Everyone does eventually, you become so jaded by everything that happens to you. He was beyond jaded, despite his emotional outbursts he was prone too displaying he often felt numb and cold.

 

He got everything packed neatly into his backpack and shopping bag, sending her text that he was on his way down. The elevator was ungodly slow, he didn't think it was ever going to make it to the lobby.

He used the time to try and collect his thoughts.

 

She was sitting at a bistro table, sipping a coffee. She looked sweet, calm, nothing like she'd looked when she walked out of his room earlier.

 

"Hi Amber." He spoke softly as he came up beside her. She smiled awkwardly, he noticed her hands were shaking slightly now that he was close enough to see.

 

He pulled out a chair across from her, sitting himself slowly. "I just want to say again, that I'm sorry for earlier. There is no excuse for what I did. Not really."  He looked sad as he spoke, he took a breath readying himself for her to yell or walk away.

 

She looked at him with sympathy and that was almost worse than the anger he expected. "You don't owe me an explanation, we barely know each other. I do think you should talk to someone though, a professional. You almost killed me Micheal."

 

He nodded, feeling like the garbage he'd come to accept he was. She didn't deserve this, and he didn't deserve her understanding. The thought of her just letting him or anyone get away with that sort of behavior, he got it. It was reflective of himself, but he hated her for it. She was worse than Tully, at least he deserved Tully.

 

He took a breath and looked at her apologetically for the things he was going to tell her.

 

"Okay." He held his hands up in surrender. Hate was never something he'd been good at. "This might take a while. You're still here, so telling you the truth can't hurt I guess." He gave her a crooked shy grin.

 

"Michael." She sighed, every time she said that name, it felt more like his own, he liked hearing it.

"I meant what I said last night. You're stuck with me as long as you put up with me. Just tell me what you're comfortable sharing." She laughed lightly, patting his forearm for comfort.

 

"When I was a kid, I lived in Queens. Typical family, I didn't know my biological dad, but the man who raised me was a good guy. He stepped up for me and my mom. My mom is a nurse, she worked a lot, that's how she met dad. He was a doctor, specifically he was an oncologist, he dealt with a lot of hard shit ya know. So I grew up well, despite living in Queens and hardly seeing my parents. I spent a lot of time with Monique, she was a teenage baby sitter. Well she was a lot of things... I'll get to that."

 

He smiled at his memory, and then shook it off, picking back up.

 

"Queens is a shit hole really, but the majority of dads patients lived there, the hospital was there, that's where mom was living when she met him, she was already pregnant with me. Commuting in New York is a bitch. Anyway, he swept mamí off her feet, put a ring on her finger before she started even showing, bought them nice brownstone style place, somewhere she'd never thought she'd end up. Anyway, I'm just rambling, anything you don't want to hear just tell me to shut up." He pauses waiting for a response.

 

Amber didn't say anything just kept looking at him, it was easy for him to relax make eye contact with her, so far he hadn't lied. Truth was it felt kind of good to talk about where he'd come from. No one had heard the truth about who he was, not since he'd left New York. He was going to tell her the truth, most of it. Some of the shit from his past was more than enough to justify the obvious PTSD episode he'd had earlier. He wouldn't even have to tell her about Charming at all.


	12. 12

He took a breath collecting his thoughts again.

 

"When I six my first sister came along, I was so excited to be a big brother. I did my best to be perfect for her. Dad was good at treating me like he loved me too, I didn't think much of it as a kid but looking back, he could have treated me differently. I didn't even know he wasn't my biological father until I was a teenager. Anyway, I was eight when my next sister was born. God had a fucked sense of humor though, she was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when she was three."

 

He had to take a breath, no one knew about this part of his life. He picked up the coffee cup, rolled it around in his hands, waiting until his voice felt steadier. Amber never uttered a word, just watched him, with sad eyes.

 

"They did, ya know, all the treatments, I guess, I mean I was little so I didn't really understand. Just I know even then I thought it was fucked up that dad was a doctor, a fucking cancer doctor and Bethy... he couldn't fix her. He could fix everyone else, in my nine year old mind he didn't want to fix her. She was so small, so fucking small, she never fucking complained though."

 

He inhaled almost angrily, nostrils flaring as he fought back tears.

 

"One morning, I was getting ready for school, mamì was making breakfast for Sonya and I, Bethy had these little milk drink things Mamì put into a tube, anyway, Dad asked me to go wake up Bethy, see if she wanted to come down for breakfast. She was six then, she fucking made it to Kindergarten. I went up, and she..."

 

He choked on a sob, tears flooded his face. He hadn't spoken of Bethy, ever. He'd never talked about it, even in the family counseling they all went too. He just sat, like a zombie as the world went around him.

 

"I'm sorry. I've, never... um... I've never told anyone about this Amber." He was sincere, she wiped her own tears away and patted his hand. She stood and scooted her chair closer to him, rubbing his back. The flair of anger was back, why was she fucking nice?

 

"She knew it was coming. She fucking knew, her little body was giving out. She told me goodbye Amber. She was my princess, my best friend. I played fucking Barbie dolls with her, tea party, dress up I didn't care. Id do anything for her to smile. Sonya, she tended to Mamì, Dad was vacant, just going through the motions. Me, I took that role I guess, everyone seemed to avoid her. They didn't want to make her tired or whatever. She wanted to go to school more than anyone I'd ever known. That's all she wanted, to go to school, to make friends. I walked her to school the first day, all the way to her classroom."

 

He was crying and smiling now, he didn't even care anymore.

 

"She was so beautiful. He hair had grown back some. Mamì had it cut in a cute way. She had a huge pink bow, I had put it in her hair that morning, she loved that bow. When she didn't have hair, it had a band around it she'd pull it over her head, but I cut the band off for her... hot glued one of mamìs hair clips to it. Got a spanking for messing in mamìs stuff but it was worth the smile Bethy had when I gave her the bow. She smiled so much that day, I can still hear her. _Dank you Juan. You're the bestest brodder!_ Her little arms hugged me so tight. Anyway, that night before bed, I always would read to her and Sonya, I read them a book while Mamì cleaned up the kitchen. Dad had to go to the hospital for an emergency, he was the on call that week. Anyway..."

 

He blinked away tears. "Micheal, it's okay. Thank you for sharing with me." She tried to be reassuring but she really didn't know what else to say.

 

"I hugged her goodnight, but she didn't say goodnight. She said goodbye. _Goodbye Juan, you're the bestest brodder._ I remember looking at her thinking she just misspoke. She was six,she didn't know what she was saying. I just said goodnight again. Told her she was my favorite little sister. She was gone the next morning. I still feel guilty, if I had told Mamì, she could have taken her to the hospital. I mean I know that's not the case as an adult. Mamì has told us since then, Bethy had stopped treatments. They were making her sicker and the cancer wasn't stopping, they could keep doing them and prolong her life but she'd be miserable for a year or two. Mom and dad, let her decide and she chose to stop them. She wanted to be normal, go to school, look normal. She made it a whole year Mamì said without treatment, they just managed the pain. I think she was at peace when she went, I don't think she was in pain. I remember the panic, screaming and screaming for her to wake up. Mamì didn't even cry, like she knew, she must have been prepared. I wasn't. I remember laying in bed next to her and no one made me move. I yelled at the nurses when they came to prepare her for transport, I wouldn't let them take her. I missed a month of school, I wouldn't leave her room, I locked myself in there after her funeral. Mamì and Dad would try to get me out. I made them bury her with her bow, it made her feel pretty and she would have wanted to be pretty for Jesus. Mamì hated that bow, it was so big and gaudy, didn't match anything." He stifled a small laugh at the memory of the giant thing.

 

"I insisted so finally they relented and let the funeral home put the bow on her. She didn't look real Amber, laying there, more still than a kid should ever be."

 

He wiped his face.

 

"Dad wasn't the same after that either, none of us were. They put the house up for sale that summer, we moved to real house with a yard in upstate New York. I went into Middle school that year, and started over, we all did. I didn't want to be the nerd anymore, no one here knew me, no one knew about Bethy. People wouldn't look at me with sympathy anymore. Before all of this, I was always reading, I had friends but most people picked on me, until Bethy.  I would just get lost in books, another world, then Bethy died and I became the kid with the dead sister. At this new school I fell in with the wrong group, some older kids, it was fun at first, I felt cool ya know."

 

She nodded. Her phone went off loudly in the lobby, disrupting the atmosphere they had developed. She blushed a little and apologized turning away to answer it.

 

"That was my boss, he wants me to cover a shift. I'm going to tell him no, but I want you to come with me somewhere. Anywhere that's not here, my place, the beach wherever. I want to hear your story, but maybe somewhere that isn't so crowded." She offered a smile and patted his arm letting him decide.

 

He nodded, sitting the cup down. "Yeah, that's cool. You feel safe with me at your place?" He tried to joke but he was serious. He didn't want her to pity him, that was the last thing he deserved, he certainly didn't want her to feel safe just because he was a crying mess over his childhood.

 

She smiled at him though, standing up. "Safe enough. Weapons stay in your car, and I text my roommate that you were coming over. Wasn't really my boss. Sorry." She pushed some hair behind her ears and smiled shyly.

 

He nodded accepting the fact that she would take precautions, he couldn't even be mad. Really he didn't have to go, he could give her an out. Just get into his car and start towards Nebraska. He was leaving today anyway. Right?


	13. 13

He pulled into her driveway, nervously he debated not getting out of the car. She stood next to her bike, watching him. She didn't approach this time like she had at the beach, she was giving him space, letting him decide. She sighed after a few minutes of what seemed to be a staring contest, turned and went into the house. She left the door open.

Juice made sure everything was in the car, even removed the pocket knife from his pocket. He walked quietly into the house, eyes searching for her. 

"Amber?" He called quietly, he didn't know why he whispered but he couldn't get his voice to work. 

"Michael? I'm in the living room, come on in." She sounded so casual, as if he hadn't pulled a gun on her and told her the saddest thing he could remember from his childhood. 

"Hey." He fidgeted awkwardly with his fingers before stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Cute house." His lip twitched into an almost smile. 

She shook her head at him, and patted the couch. "Come sit. Wherever is fine." 

He walked into the room and chose a plush chair across from her. He didn't even know why he'd came here, as usual he made bad decisions. He had an out, he could have just driven away. 

"Water? Tea? Juice?" She asked as she walked over to the door leading into another room. 

His head snapped up and his heart raced as he took in her words. Juice surely she wasn't addressing him, it was a question right? He choked.   
"What?"

She smiled, a breathy laugh at him. "You dork, I asked if you wanted a drink, Water, tea or juice?" 

He was able to breath for a second still struggling to speak. She left the room and came back quickly with two glasses of water. 

"Thanks Amber." He took a big gulp. 

They sat in silence for a little bit before he got the courage to try to speak again.   
"Want me to continue or have you had enough of my sad history?" His eyes were cast down, he didn't even try to look at her. Everything hurt too much, he felt exhausted from talking about his sister, already drained. Worst of all, this pain he felt urged the compulsion to reach out to Tully. The bastard may have been a nazi rapist but he was also the only form of comfort Juice had experienced in a long time. 

"I only want to hear what you want to tell me." She was genuine in her response.

"I'm leaving tonight Amber, does any of this even matter? You can go on with your life and forget about me. I really am sorry about earlier." He felt shaky and uneasy, he wanted to run. Everything would be so much easier if she would just admit she hated him. He was used to dealing with peoples hate, he'd never experienced someone trying to understand. 

"If that would make you feel better, but I feel like you need to talk to someone. A friend, a professional, anyone." She pulled her legs up onto the couch, crossing them over so she was comfortable. 

"Okay then. So where was I?" He thought for a moment, and then decided to pick up. 

"So in middle school I fell into new friends. I was still a fucking nerd, I read all the time, was getting good with computers. One of the guys I hung out with had an older brother, he introduced me to hacking. Easy stuff at first, emails things like that. Eventually it was school records, test scores, and then I worked my way up to police records. Anyway that was later. I got busted once changing a grade, Dad was so pissed. I didn't get to leave the house except for school for months. Anyway, the older brother was... um... well... his dick was the first dick I sucked. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it. Not under the circumstances. If I would suck him off he would keep me from getting beat up and shit at school. By the time I made it to high school he'd graduated and I had a full time job basically sucking off him and his friends for various favors. I'm not gay, I've never thought about being gay, it was just a means to an end ya know?"

The air around him started to feel thick again, he really didn't like talking about his past much. What else did he have to offer? Nothing really, he'd reached a new low, he was so ashamed of his life, of himself that he was giving out the most sad parts of his life, things that no one else knew. He was stripped bare in so many ways, stripped to the club with his sins, stripped to give to Tully, stripped till nothing was left that was his anymore. Everything he was now belonged to someone else. He couldn't see the good in that, but he was dead anyway. What did it matter if he gained an infection from the exposure to the elements around him? He'd die, and that would be a mercy it's self.


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amber puts some things together, and Juan (Micheal) digs deep.

Again they sat in silence for a while. Juice was tired, his mind was exhausted, he felt claustrophobic and fully exposed. His thoughts were all over the place, his time lines getting fucked up. The fabric of the chair was starting to annoy him.

Amber took the empty cups back into the kitchen. Juice used the moment to pull his phone out, despite the war inside himself telling him he didn't need to text the Nazi he couldn't help it.

 

_**Rough day. You?** _

 

He knew he may not get a response or he would get an immediate response. As he sat trying to escape his own mind for the moment he found himself wondering what Tully would be doing. What would the remaining Sons be doing? Did they miss him at all?

 

Amber sat back down across from him. She leaned forward mirroring the way he sat. Hands together between her knees, elbows resting on her thighs.

"I don't know what to say. I feel like I should say something but..." she took a shaky breath.

 

"It's fine, I don't expect you to say anything."

 

She sighed. "Where are you going tonight? What is your plan?"

 

He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the floor.

 

"You referred to your dad saying _was_ , or generally in the past tense. Can I ask why?"

 

He laughed a empty sarcastic laugh. "He's dead. Shot, six times, walking on the god damned side walk."

 

Amber gasped in horror, her mouth opened to speak but nothing would come out.

 

"We were all together when it happened. Press called it a drive by, we were in a bad neighborhood. Dad made a house call to a patient, mom insisted on going, took dinner. Six shots, that's not a fucking drive by, someone targeted him."

 

She was shaking now, she had so many questions.

"I was sixteen by this point Amber. I was hacking more than I attended class, I was slinging dope, giving head, whatever to make a buck. I literally lived a double life, my parents had no clue what I was doing. I was raking in money like crazy, I maintained good grades despite not being there, I hacked the systems to change my attendance. I was sixteen and I saw my father shoot my dad six times. My mother grabbed my little sister, and pushed me out of the way. The gun was out of bullets, I knew that, mom didn't. I felt like my extracurricular activities were to blame at the time. I didn't know who the man was, mom called him by name. He looked at her and he told her _Told you I'd make you pay. Now how you gonna make it without me?_ That shit tore me up, that anyone would say that to my mom. All the money I had earned, I used to help pay for things we needed till the insurance money came in. Mom never asked me where I got it, I think by then she knew, or had an idea. After that night she looked at me differently, like she knew no matter her efforts I'd turned out just like the man she ran from."

 

Amber was full out crying now, she had never heard anything so devastating. This boy had seen so much horror so young, and given he was obviously still running, the horror must have never stopped.

 

"Shit, Amber I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry."

 

She wiped her eyes, looking up at him. "Michael please don't apologize. Look, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want too. I want to help you though. Just tell me how."

 

He almost felt disgusted and he knew his face matched. "Why the fuck would you want to help me? White knight syndrome or some shit?"

 

She crinkled her brow, hurt by his tone and confused by his words.

"Because I give a fuck Michael... _Juan_. You said your sister called you Juan. Why? What are you running from? I'm not going to turn you in, I just want to fucking help you."She yelled at him now, hurt, angry, saddened by him. She knew it was probably stupid given her gut inclination towards him but her heart trusted him.

 

He felt like he'd been punched in the gut, he couldn't breathe. The walls started to close in around him and he was gasping for breath. He slid down from the couch onto the floor, he could hear her yelling his name but he couldn't respond. He fucked up, like he always does. Just like the time he ratted to Nero, he was crying on the floor. He'd said too much and he couldn't take it back. All she had to do was google any of the things he'd told her, google his name, he'd come up.

 

He had to get out of there but his body wouldn't let him. He felt the cold cloth on the back of his neck and then his stomach tightened. The contents coming out of his body exorcism style all over her neat living room. Then the world was black, he felt nothing as he let himself slip into the darkness, he didn't even try to fight it. He felt at ease, it didn't matter now what happened, just like he'd felt back in Stockton. It would at least be peaceful for a bit.


	15. 15

"Hey! Are you okay? Micheal!" She shouted and shouted at him.

 

He didn't move, she was starting to panic. She didn't want to call 911 after what she'd learned. She felt his pockets for his phone, pulling it out she opened the screen looking for his contacts. She thought it was odd there was only one other number besides her own called out, and only one other number in his contacts. Tech support.

 

He had just gotten a new phone, but upon further inspection she noticed it was the only number in his texts as well besides herself.

 

She didn't want to be nosy, so she scrolled through the messages briefly, trying to see if it was personal at all or simply tech. The amount of baby's, papis and other things led her to believe it was personal. Certainly it couldn't be who he was running from right?Not if he were actively talking to the guy. She pressed call.

 

She kept shaking Micheal as the line rang, he was breathing but shallowly, she was worried he hit his head. Did he have seizures? Did he take medications?

 

**Hey baby. Didn't expect you to call so soon, haven't been able to get back to your text.**

 

The deep voice came through the phone surprising her. Micheal hadn't came across as being gay in the stereotypical way, but it did help explain to her why he was so easy to be around.

 

 **You there sweetheart? Papi is on limited time.** His voice was harsher but still almost playful sounding.

 

She took a breath. "Hi, um this was the only number in his phone. Micheal..."

 

**Who is this?**

He cut her off quickly, he was going to hang up, he was pissed, this would snowball if his boy had tatted on him... he'd have to actually fucking kill him. He frowned at the thought.

 

"My name is Amber. I'm a friend of Micheals. He panicked or fainted I don't know. You were the only contact, I didn't want to call the ambulance." She sounded terrified, but obviously she knew something if she wasn't calling the ambulance. She wasn't an idiot, and Tully mused at the idea of being the only contact the boy had.

 

**"Well Amber, I apologize for my brashness. Is he okay?"**

That drawl, the way spoke, everything was calculated, she could tell he put thought into sounding effortless. Something about it made her nervous.

 

"I was hoping you could help me with that."

 

Tully sighed, he honestly didn't know how to approach the subject. He cared, of course, if he hadn't he wouldn't be putting so much effort into the punk. He was a little hurt, who was this girl and why was she calling. What had happened to Juice for her to call. Was he okay? A million thoughts pinged through his mind.

 

" **Can you tell me exactly what happened?"**

She thought about her words, she didn't know what anyone knew about him. She didn't want to tell something she shouldn't, everything about him was a mystery. She decided to go with Bethy.

 

"We we're talking and he got upset. He was telling me about his little sister and then he started hyperventilating and he hit the floor. Hard."

 

Tully rolled the thoughts over his head. The punk had been prone to panic attacks inside.

" **He has panic attacks darlin. He takes medication for it. If he passed out, it got out of control. Just get him some water and make sure his head is okay. If you have some ice it will bring him too. Good job not calling the hospital, would have made it worse. He don't trust doctors."**

 

She ran around the house doing what he'd said. "What do I do with the ice?"

 

Before she could hear answer Micheal took a deep breath bolting upright. He patted his hands over his body inspecting for wounds, once satisfied he hadn't been stabbed he blushed and looked at Amber. His eyes widened when he saw his phone to her ear.

 

"He just sat up."

 

Tully let out a breath he was holding in relief.

" **Good, I'm glad he's awake. He feel up to talking?"**

 

He could hear the drawl of his voice, he felt shame and panic stirring in his gut again. Did he call? Why did she answer his phone. Did she call him? She must have seen the messages if she had. He wanted to run, hide from the world.

 

"Hey, Micheal, you feel like talking? Your friend is really worried about you."

 

Micheal held back a grimace. Tully didn't do worried, he hated that she knew his voice now, he would have to explain this as well.

He just held his hand out, talking would be easier now than later.

 

"Hey, sorry about that. I'm okay." He spat out quickly.

 

" **I'm glad baby. You worried your friend. We're going to need to have a conversation later. You understand?"**

 

Juice tried to keep his demeanor calm, neutral, he could tell she was watching him even though she'd walked away.

 

"Yeah, okay."

 

Tully made a gruff noise. " **Yes what?"** He did still have a reputation to uphold.

 

"Yes Papi." He practically whispered but Tully let it slide.

 

" **That's better. Haven't heard you say it in a long time. Miss you sweetheart."**

 

Juice blushed, not from excitement but because just talking to him made his gut churn. Everything about this was wrong.

 

"Yeah, I know. I promise to call you tonight when I get somewhere is that okay?" He knew he was going to get a lecture, probably about being careless with her. Who knows what else. He didn't want to deal with it at all. Tully always won though.

 

" **Tonight your time then love. Be safe.** "

 

Juice hung up without saying anything.

 

Amber was looking at him with what he hoped was confusion.

 

"I'm sorry Amber."

 

She only nodded. "He said you had medication you're supposed to be taking for that."

 

He nodded. "Yeah, I never got it filled. Long story."

 

"I'm just going to throw it out there before it becomes an elephant. That's not your dad is it? Papi... it's like a play name isn't it? He your boyfriend?" She was smirking but Juice felt like he was going to throw up.

 

He stood up, dusted himself off and grabbed his head. He must have hit it on the way down. "Shit, no. Well yes, but no. God dammit, you wanna just come with me? If you're so hell bent on knowing me, I have a deadline and the company wouldn't suck. I promise not to kill you."

 

She scoffed playfully. "You're obviously not going to hit on me or rape me either."

 

That did it... he puked all over her floor. That was a line he would never cross, but not for the reason she thought. She'd know soon enough and never want to see him again. He'd have to make sure he could get her home. He figured Tully was probably going to want to know who she was, hell he probably already had someone working on it. Maybe he would be happy he wasn't alone. He prayed he was happy and wouldn't let his unwarranted jealousy take hold. It's not like Juice could fuck her if he wanted too. His dick was basically a dead appendage and he didn't think it would ever work again.

 

He felt like he was passing through more gates of hell, pretty soon he'd hit the bottom and be swallowed by the fire. If he was lucky that would kill him.


	16. 16

"So for real, where are you going? I've got all summer before the semester starts."

 

He'd been anxiously waiting downstairs in her living room, heart stopping for a moment when he heard her speak. He thought surly she'd come down and have changed her mind, but no. She stood on the bottom step like something out of a teen movie with her small suitcase.

 

He rubbed his hands over his face, sighing.

"Are you serious? You don't even know me Amber. If we were friends back home I'd slap you for being stupid if you ran off with me."

 

She laughed incredulously. "You are you though... so what's the problem?" She asked as if he were stupid for even thinking it.

 

"You don't have more stuff? I mean that's not nearly enough stuff for a girl right?" He was teasing.

 

"If you're coming with me, you'd better get off my couch." She walked out the front door waiting for his brain to catch up and his body to follow her. He ran out to catch up with her, laughing for one of the first times in a long time in uncalculated happiness.

"I do have another bag on my bedroom floor. Wanna grab that for me?" She batted her lashes at him jokingly.

He grunted but went back inside the house.

 

"I have no plan, no hotel reservations, just a destination you know that right." It wasn't a question but she opened the door and tossed her bag in the back seat.

"So you coming or staying here?" She teased him, obviously intending on going.

 

He nodded and got into the car, tossing the other bag in the back with his own and hers.

"Why are you so hellbent on going with me?"

He needed to know. It didn't make sense that someone like her would want to be anywhere near him.

"Look, I don't get out much. I'm the _good girl_ ya know. I always do what's expected of me, blah blah blah. This is my chance for an adventure. Regardless of what happens, where we end up, whoever you are, I can tell you have a good soul. Hopefully in time you'll trust me enough to tell me more. Till then, I'll be the Bonnie to your Clyde."

She smiled, he hair falling freely around her face, the sun shone into the window lighting her up like an angel. Juice had a familiar urge, the want, he wanted to kiss her.

 

He was too fucked up for that though, he didn't want to give her false promises of anything they could be. He was living a lie on borrowed time and could go at any moment. That's wasn't fair to her, plus there's the complication of Tully and her assumption about him. He wasn't ready to go there. She also might not feel that way, who would like someone so fucked up anyway. She deserved someone better than a rat punk who was devoted to his rapist, with a death sentence. If he tried to escape Tully he'd be worse than dead. Didn't matter the man seemed surprised to hear from him or genuinely happy about it. Juice knew inside his soul Tully would never let him go.

 

He laughed with her and put the car in reverse. He chose a random address in Nebraska and set his phone map to start.

"Bonnie huh? You know she was the real bad guy in that story." He mused trying to imagine her in his old life.

 

"Yeah well, it's us smart ones you have to look out for." She grinned at him and then burst out laughing.

"I mean, I would be a terrible criminal. I would be too nervous. So Clyde, were gonna have to do this without the guns and crime. But we can keep all the drama. How's that work for you?"

 

He didn't even know what to say? Was she luck or a curse? "Keep the drama huh? I don't think I could do it any other way. I'm down to keep it legit... no one would ever see us coming." He winked, liking this hypothetical dialogue where he wasn't an actual criminal who'd done worse things than this girl could probably ever imagine.

She sighed quietly for a moment and then collected her thoughts.

"So your boyfriend isn't going to mind I'm with you?" Her feet were on the dashboard, and she was looking at him with a grin, he could see the nervousness in her eyes though.

 

Juice didn't know how to answer that. Hell he really didn't know the answer. Would Tully care? Why did he care if he did care? Why did his insides boil when she called him his boyfriend so jokingly? He should just brush it off, a normal guy would just brush it off.

 

" no."  He kept it simple. He really didn't want to talk about Tully and he was exhausted from talking about himself.  "Tell me about you?"

 

She agreed. "Okay. Nothing I've got to tell is as hard core as yours though. I mean you know the basics. I'm a waitress, I'm in school. Moved here because people suck."

 

He shook his head. "There's gotta be something. You an only child?"

 

"Nope. Three brothers. All military, Dad was a marine. We moved a good bit but eventually settled when Dad retired. Mom is a teacher. I was a surprise  kid. They were happy to have a girl but I was forbidden from joining the service. Dad hates my death machine. I grew up riding though, we all rode, I ride for sport. Dad had hoped id grow out of it and settle like a little lady. He'd love you." She shoved his arm playfully.

 

He did not laugh back, he had no doubts that her father would murder him upon visual.

"There it is... your entire family would hate me." He was smiling his megawatt smile and it didn't feel forced. He actually felt like even if they didn't like him, she would be good enough for them to stand down.

 

"We've been driving for like 5 hours. You wanna stop and eat?" She wiggled in her seat.

 

He cracked a smile now. "You have to pee don't you? Hardest thing about traveling with girls, you always have to pee."

 

She feigned insult. "Shut up Micheal. Yes I have to pee, but I'm also starving. We didn't exactly eat lunch ya know."

 

He sighed because she was right. He hadn't eaten lunch, he puked on her floor. He felt bad about that too, she cleaned it up for him and didn't even complain or question what had made him vomit. Something was wrong with this girl, there had to be.

 

"Fine. I'll buy. Pick a place? This next exit looks like it's got a few things."


	17. 17

They were in Kentucky when they decided to stop to sleep. They still had eight hours to go but Juice was exhausted, Amber was asleep. He pulled into the lot of a decent looking hotel and parked. He closed the map on his phone looking up the hotel online so he could book a room.  He thought for a moment, he should probably get two just to be safe. He didn't want to presume she would want to stay with him. Truthfully he kind of wanted his privacy, as much as he hated being alone, sometimes he needed it.

 

His heart dropped into his stomach when he went back to his home screen and saw the notifications. While the map was up nothing would come in. He felt a little funny about it honestly because it didn't seem like Tully's style to call repeatedly or to blow up his inbox. He couldn't tell if the man was genuinely worried or really pissed off. Given the previous events it was possible he was worried but why would the Nazi be worried about him?

 

He scrolled through the messages before replying to them in one go.

 

_**I am so sorry I worried you Papi. I didn't mean too. Was driving and had my notifications turned off so the map would work. It's midnight here now, so I guess it's after 9 there? If you want, I'll call you when I get to the room. I stopped at a hotel for the night.** _

 

He sent it, not sure if he'd get a reply or not. Worried about what the reply would be and then angry for even caring at all that he'd worried the asshole. It was after lights out and unless Tully had made changes he didn't keep the phone in his cell.

 

Juice was grabbing a bag from the backseat, about to wake Amber when his phone pinged.

 

**Call me**

 

He knew that it wasn't a simple request, it was a command. He shoved the phone into his pocket and woke her gently.

 

"Hey, I got us booked here. Come on." She looked up at him with bleary eyes.

 

"Where are we?" She asked through a yawn.

 

He helped her out of the car, before popping the trunk and grabbing his backpack. "Kentucky."

 

She looked surprised but didn't say anything, just nodded and followed him inside.

 

The rooms were nice, they were side by side, with an adjoining door. It was nice, being able to be close but also separate. Each room was the same, king bed, bathroom, fridge, cheap coffee, they didn't argue over who got what. Once she excused herself to shower he cracked the door separating them and sank into his bed.

 

Like the obedient captive he was he pulled out his phone and called.

 

 **AB Butchers, you stab em we slab em.** The Nazi drawled into the phone. Juice didn't know why but it made him laugh, he hated the fact the man could be funny when he wanted to be.

 

"It's just me."

 

Tully grunted in agreement. **Hey baby. You alright?**

 

Juice rolled his eyes, how long did this have to go on. When he found the girl he was delivering her or whatever he was supposed to do and then getting the hell out of dodge.

 

"Yeah I'm fine. Thanks for asking. You alright?"

 

Now Tully laughed in a predatory way, making Juices spine tingle.

**Why wouldn't I be?**

 

Of course he was fine, how stupid could Juice be. The Nazi didn't give a fuck about him, just doesn't want to be found. Juice sighed conflicted in his feelings of hurt and agitation.

 

"You sounded worried before." He didn't even try to hide the hurt in his voice. He'd long since given up and semblances of pride so he may as well just be honest with the only person he can be honest with.

 

**Whose your friend?**

 

"Just someone I met. She's nice, she helped me out in Miami."

 

Tully scoffed but Juice couldn't tell if it were serious or playful.

 

**I can help you out ya know. You just don't let me. Unless you need things only I seem to be able to give you. I'm a little hurt baby.**

 

Guilt panged Juices heart, and then anger. Why would he feel bad for using the man, for anything? Especially his money. The man had helped himself to his ass on plenty occasions he could get something out of it. So what if it made him technically a prostitute, that was better than being a victim.

 

"That's not true, you've helped me a lot. I'm trying to get to a place where you don't have too anymore." He sounded apologetic and if Tully could see him now he knew the Nazi would cave at the big eyes and pouty look he probably had.

 

**I don't do anything I don't want to do baby. Remember that.**

"Papi, I just don't want to be alone all the time. I made a friend okay. Can that please just be okay?"

 

Juice had cut him off before even realizing it. He just needed to get the stress off of his chest. Tully still had the power to have him killed, having the man on his good side was preferable. Not only that, there weren't many people who liked him at all, the Nazi was one of the few left, save for Amber at this point. He didn't want to lose whatever fucked up fantasy of a friendship they had.

 

Tully hummed now, the way he did when he was thinking. Juice could see his contemplative look in his memory, how his brow would be furrowed and he chewed his bottom lip, in a nervous way that gave a glimpse at the man this monster probably used to be.

 

**You can have friends baby. I just want you to be careful. You're not good at picking good ones or making good choices. I worry about you out there. I can't protect you from everything when you're not standing in front of me.**

 

Juice was taken aback by the statement. Did this mean the bastard did care? Even if just a little bit? Or was this some sort of manipulation to lull him into a false sense of security? He couldn't tell and he didn't like it.

**You fuckin her?**

There it was, the question Juice was hoping they would get past. Tully's own personal way of ruining anything and reminding him he thought of Juice as more than a chess piece. He was his, whether he wanted to be or not.

 

"No, she thinks you're my boyfriend. She thinks I'm gay, and considering I haven't had a boner in long time I didn't have reason nor the guts to correct her."

 

Tully laughed again, a loud deep bellow. Whatever was funny about this Juice didn't know and he was getting angry.

 

**I ain't been somebody's boyfriend in a long time. I won't bring up your hard ons or lack there of, seems to be a touchy topic at the moment. I just want you to be careful baby, that's all. Hey look, they're doing final counts. Gotta go baby.**

 

"Bye Papi." Juice barely sputtered out before the line disconnected. He sounded disappointed, he was frankly. He still had things to say, but because he was here and Tully was there (thank God he was there) their conversations would often be cut, this would never change.

Then Juice shuttered, he realized he'd called him Papi, on his own. No reason for it, it just fell out of his mouth, an old habit perhaps but he knew he was also trying to reassure the con they were safe. Why the fuck did he want to do that? If Tully got caught by the wrong guard he'd lose his phone for a while, at least until someone on his payroll brought him a new one. Why did he want the man to feel like he wasn't losing him?

 

Because the only comfort he'd known, the only protection and safety he'd been given hadn't came from the men who were supposed to love him. It came from the bastard Nazi who wasn't ready to give up his play thing. Juice wasn't ready to let go of the feeling that someone important had his back.


	18. 18

Amber rapped on the door connecting their rooms softly, before peaking her head in. "Can I come in?"

 

Juice turned in the bed and nodded at her, sitting his phone on the end table.

 

"Everything okay?" Her voice skeptical.

 

He nodded again and then sniggered at her. She was in small pajama shorts, a tank top and her hair was twisted up in a towel that reminded him of some sort yoga guru.

"You look ridiculous." He scoffed playfully.

 

She squinted at him and smiled. "Shut up dork. Scoot!" She shoved him playfully so she could sit beside him on the bed.

They sat silently for a little bit, she slid down getting comfortable on the bed, resting against the headboard, knees bent. He sat across from her, legs crossed, leaning over picking at something on the quilt.

Finally she sighed.

"So what's the deal Micheal? What's going on?"

 

He shrugged. "What do you mean?"

 

Amber looked at him unamused. "With this trip, where we are going... -she hesitated.- Your boyfriend."

He tensed which confirmed her suspicions, something wasn't quite right about their relationship.

 

"We're going to Nebraska, to find someone. A friends daughter, that doesn't really want to see my friend. I don't really know why, it's probably a waste of time but I have to try. I owe him one." He shrugged again.

 

"Is anything you told me before true? Like before the hotel incident?"She looked sad instead of the fear Juice had expected to see.

 

"Yeah, parts of it. 'Cept why I was going. Why I'm here, or why I was there... in Miami I mean. I don't want to lie Amber, I really don't, but I can't be honest about parts of it. I've never been good making friends, but I like you. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to be in danger either."

 

Now she looked scared.

"Why would I be in danger?"

 

He smiled manically. "I can't tell you. I just need you to trust that I'll keep you safe on this trip and if you want to tap out I'll buy your ticket back home. I've done things I'm not proud of, but I'm not a bad guy. The things I've done were a means of survival, they still are."

 

She patted his arm, it was very unlike her but something about him made her trust him. Which set off every danger button she had in her mind. She watched too many serial killer documentaries to be dumb, yet here she was.

 

"If I ask questions, will you answer them with yes or no. Honestly. You don't have to give details about anything you don't want too. I just need to ease myself, and I don't want to leave you alone."

Her eyes were pleading, he couldn't figure out why she cared so much. No one else had ever cared about him, other than what his value was, now he had no value, save to the shot caller.

 

"Okay, we can try it. If I don't want to answer can I skip?"

 

She nodded, holding out her hand for him to shake. "Deal."

 

"Did you really wreck your bike?"

He relaxed, starting out easy.

 

"No."

 

"Did you really need my help?"

 

"Yes."

 

She nodded accepting the answer. "Okay. Is your name really Micheal?"

 

He stiffened, and avoided her eyes. "No."

 

She sighed. "Can you tell me your real name?"

 

"I'm sorry, not really. On paper it is Roberto Miguel Ramirez. That is my legal name, just not my birth name."

 

She looked confused but accepted it. "Are you in the witness protection program?" She kind of laughed it off but Juice thought about it quickly. Technically that would save him a lot of trouble if he said yes.

 

"Something like that. But no."

 

She looked even more confused. She untwisted the towel in her hair and casually began drying it, scrunching it over the side before pulling it into a hair tie. She leaned back again.

 

"Have you ever killed someone?"

 

He looked her straight in the eye this time, praying she could see his soul. He didn't want to be a horrible person, he felt dirty all the time, tainted. He needed to get all this shit off of him. This game they were playing was his chance at redemption, or he hoped at least.

 

"Yes. But to survive, like I said earlier."

 

"You said I'd be in danger. Is someone after you?"

 

He wasn't really sure how to answer that. Technically no, no one was after him. His brothers turned enemies thought he was dead and Tully could find him anywhere.

"No.That one is complicated. I might could answer if more another time?" He looked at her questioning, relaxing again when she nodded.

 

"You need to know if you can trust me?"

He nodded.

"I'm sorry Amber. It's that and I don't want you having the weight of my shit. I honestly didn't expect you to come with me. I expected you... I didn't really expect anything. You were so nice though and you were helpful and I thought hey. You could be a friend I have for a few days. Someone to keep in my memories and then never see again. Not because I don't like seeing you, but I try not to get too close to people. So my brokenness doesn't rub off on them."

 

She didn't look angry or hurt. Everything about her confused him, and it made him wonder what kind of life she had that made her so comfortable around him. He really didn't know anything about her.

 

"Can I ask any questions?" He picked at the quilt again, not looking at her.

She closed her eyes leaning against the headboard, humming. "I suppose."


	19. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tully doesn't control everything and his world is about to unravel.

Juice was surprised for a minute, he expected her to say no. He took a second to collect his thoughts, not actually having a question prepared.

"Um, oh okay. Let's see." He lay back on the bed beside her, hands folded over his chest.

"Are you afraid of me?"

 

She laughed, an actual laugh, he would have been insulted had he not been so relieved.

 

He grinned, turning his head to look at her. "That's a no then. Got it."

 

"Did you always ride?"

 

She rolled her eyes.

"No, I do it against my parents wishes."

 

He nodded. "I'm no good at this. Sorry."

 

"That's okay. So how'd you meet your boyfriend?"

 

He tensed up.

 

"He's uh... he's not my boyfriend Amber. It's complicated." She looked at him confused.

 

"I mean, I can't tell you much about it. Don't worry about it okay."

 

"Okay. No problem. I'm gonna turn in okay? Get a shower, some rest and we can head out in the morning."

She patted his arm and scooted off the bed.

 

The next morning Juice woke up to his phone ringing, he had three missed calls all from Tully. That was odd, the man didn't do that, he felt panic rise in his chest.

 

"He-hello?"

 

" **Holy shit Ortiz! You tryin to give me a heart attack**!" Tully blared through the line, but Juice could sense his relief. He called him Ortiz and not some random nickname, he must not be alone.

 

"No, I was asleep. It's only 7am. Shit, it's what 4am there. What's going on?" He was concerned, he didn't know why, but if it upset Tully it must be serious.

 

" **Yeah, I've been waiting to call you till it would be morning there. Yesterday some shit went down I guess with the Sons. Turns out Teller is dead, the Scot is in charge. Some of the guys are inside now, we have good business. As you know, far as they're concerned I followed through with the green light. Happy and some giant of man Q-tip or some shit have been asking around, bout you."**

 

Juice couldn't think. Why would they ask about him, he was dead. All of his shit was being handled by a nazi pretending to be his sister and he had no more link to the club. "Q-Tip? Quinn?" He sounded very confused.

 

" **Yes Quinn, but I don't see how that's of any importance. They're wantin to know about you. Don't know if it's just curiosity or if they suspect something. The sheep shagger called a meet with me today."**

 

"Sheep shagger?" He huffed our, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

" **Baby boy, you are focusing on the wrong parts here. The Scot, I'm meeting with the Scot and I'll find out what they want. If they find out your alive, there's gonna be a price tag on my head. I can't protect you if I'm dead. I need to know where you are, all your stuff is in storage, we're going to move it again. I don't want any trace of you."**

 

"Tully, whose with you? I can hear them."

 

Tully sighed. " **It's my right hand baby. He has the info, had to be here when I called. You know how it works. The AB isn't exactly happy with me, but I'm making them money, my place is fine."**

 

"I'm in Kentucky. Leaving today, heading to Nebraska. Should be there in a few days."

 

" **I'm detouring you baby. Do not go to Nebraska. Don't, the Sons found my baby girl, she's being transported to Charming now."**

 

"Tully I'm confused. Why would they take her? Why would they ask about me? Did someone fuck up?"

 

Tully sighed deeply, Juice could hear something unfamiliar in his voice. " **Yeah baby. Someone on the payroll sold out to a higher bidder. The Sons that are locked up want info, want to see proof that you're dead. The AB knows you're not. The Scot, isn't all too happy with me for following Jax orders. I can't run, but I don't break a promise, and I promised to protect you. My girl will be fine, she doesn't know anything, they will eventually turn her loose. She doesn't play by our rules baby, her absence will be noticed."**

 

Juice felt his heart drop, this was a nightmare. The Sons knew he was alive, they wouldn't be asking if they didn't already know. Chibs was pissed, but he'd told him to swallow his gun, he would still take out the green light. For some sick reason, Juice felt worried about Tully. He had never heard the man sound anything other than calm, but fear was not something he ever expected to hear. That chilled him to the bone, there was really no way he could help him. All of this was his fault, even in death he was still fucking up.

 

"Okay so, they think I'm alive. What do they want as proof? You fucking stabbed me, there has to be surveillance of that. Even if it's been deleted I bet I can hack it and find it. I bled out on the floor. The medics pulled me out, no one would have known you didn't get the artery. There would be surveillance of me in the morgue too, from right before your guys zipped me up and sent me out. I can mess with the files, get it to you." He was spinning off in a panic.

 

" **Juice... Ortiz! Baby**!" He growled as loudly as he could trying to pull Juice back.

" **You're spiraling, breathe. If you want to do that that's great, send it to my guy. He will contact you with info. The nurse here likes me, she's got your records all spiffed up for the Scot."**

 

"Okay, that's good. Yeah." Juice breathed, trying to relax. "So where do I go in the mean time?"

 

" **Anywhere you want too. You're a free man. Don't come here, and don't go to Nebraska. You may not hear from me for a while, I'm trashing the burner so they can't trace anything. I'll call you as soon as I get a new one, my guy will contact you about he surveillance."**

 

"Okay. Thanks for the heads up. Be careful Papi." He was nervous, if they killed him, he'd be truly alone. No one in the AB would help him without Tully's say so. His stuff would be gone, his money cut off. He'd be more fucked than he already was. He didn't want the monster to die, as much as he did want him out of his life. He couldn't handle the guilt that Tully would die because of him and not shit he got himself into.

 

He lay back on the bed working out a plan to hack Stockton and get the video. He was as good as dead, documents existed, even a fucking grave. He didn't know who was buried there, but it was his headstone. His heart was racing, he had to figure a way to right all the wrongs and no more bodies drop because of him. He couldn't handle being responsible for any more deaths. He couldn't handle Chibs being sucked back into his drama, after he tried to help and Juice had just betrayed him like he had. Chibs didn't deserve that, he'd experienced too much loss and hurt, Juice didn't want to be the cause of any more. Fuck it if he couldn't even die right.


	20. 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is not who they say they are. Amber isn't playing nice.

Juan was rushing around trying to get his shit together. They had to leave, go where he didn't know but they couldn't stay here. He packed all of his stuff, and let himself into Ambers room.

 

"Hey. Amber. Amber! We gotta go. C'mon, get up let's go." He was pulling at her, she sleepily looked at him like he was insane. Maybe he was.

 

"Micheal, what the hell is going on?"

 

" I don't even know how to explain. Come on, I'll get you back to Miami. It's not safe for you to be with me. I promise to keep in touch, I'm taking you to the airport okay." He was speaking fast, rushing around the room.

 

"Are you high!" She yelled at him, annoyed by his behavior.

 

He stopped moving and looked at her pleading. "No. I just got a phone call, not a good one. We have to go."

 

She stumbled from the bed and pulled in her jeans, before excusing herself to the bathroom.

 

He would drop her off at the airport and then he'd go to any state, a random state. Fuck Louisiana would be good, right? There are no Sons there, he could leave the country but where would he go? He made the trips to the car loading up their few items, and then walked down with her to the car.

 

"I'm sorry about all of this. I'll explain a little more in the car okay?" He rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably.

 

Once they were on the road, she was quiet for a moment. They pulled out of town, taking the exit for the interstate and she sighed. "Spill. I want it all." She was deadpan, no bullshitting. He could tell she wasn't going to let him go without knowing.

 

"Let me decide if I'm safe or not. Tell me the truth, if I want to go home I'll tell you." She was pissed, he could tell. He hated having people be mad at him, it's what got him in this mess to begin with.

 

He sucked air between his teeth and let it out slowly. He wished he had a smoke, but he'd given it up.

"What I'm going to tell you isn't going to be pretty."

 

She laughed a bitter laugh. "None of it has been so far. Sooo. Don't fuck around with me Micheal. I'm a great friend, but I'm a horrible enemy." Something sparked in her eyes, and he could tell she wasn't joking. If she found out on her own, and she likely would, she ruin his life.

 

"Okay. Gonna rip off the bandaid." He paused for effect, giving her a second to back out. She didn't so he continued. "I'm supposed to be dead, technically I am dead. I was killed, in prison. Took the fall for some shit, went inside to do a job. My obituary is online, I've read it a million times. Coming to Miami was my resurrection of sorts. I was given documents naming me Micheal."

 

She was stunned, his heart was racing. If she didn't hate him already surely she would now.

"Okay. I'll keep going." He responded to her silence.

 

"I accidentally gave up some information on my club. They wanted me dead because of it. The president gave me a way back in, doing the job inside. He lied, I was a means to an end, he'd pawned me off to the man you call my boyfriend. I completed the job, was then turned into a bargaining chip for that group wanting retribution. Instead I offered myself to the Nazi, letting him take the green light. Apparently he was a little too fond of me because he missed, and got me out of there."

 

She looked horrified. "What was the job?"

 

He looked at her sympathetically. "I had to kill the head of the other group. It was my club, yellow and the Nazis. The Nazi basically owns me, even now, but I still followed through for my club. I started the mess."

 

She was confused, and scared, her eyes reflected it back at him. "Why would they want you to do that?"

 

"The presidents wife, was killed by his mother. I saw it. Tried to help her cover it up, said it was their guys leaving the house that night. Didn't want him to lose his wife and mother in the same night. Looking back I know it was stupid, I should have just minded my own business. But it started a huge war between us and yellow, finally landing inside."

 

Fury flashed behind her eyes. "So some guys, your club, whatever that means, got pissed at you because the leaders family was a fucked up version of the Jerry Springer show? They sold you to a Nazi, and asked you to murder a man who was basically innocent?"

 

He was floored, yeah she was missing the details the fine lines but essentially that was the summary. Said that way it sounded really dumb. "Yeah. Basically. I mean there's more to it. But yeah."

 

"That man that calls you, why do you call him Papi?" That question stung, Tully was a fresh wound, one he wanted to bury but kept rubbing salt into instead.

 

"Survival inside. You learn to play the game. I was his play thing essentially for as long as he could keep me. Till I had to die. I mean really in some fucked up way, I think he liked me. Like for real, as much as he could anyway. I'm just a spic punk, but he kept me around longer than he had too. He would read these fucking poems to me, kept me high so it didn't hurt as bad, used lube. He was almost gentle about it like he gave a fuck. Anyway, you learn to play them back, I learned weaknesses, got him to take it easy. Got him wrapped around my finger basically. He foots the bill for now. I mean, I wish I had died on the floor, but I didn't. So he is paying my way to a new life. Someone double crossed him though, so we're all in purgatory till he calls again."

 

She looked completely appalled. "I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again Amber. I really do."

 

She sighed. "I'm too involved now. I know too much, leaving me behind would be a liability on your part. So you're either going to kill me also, or you're going to stick it out with me till I have to go back for next semester. In which case, you will have learned to trust me."

 

He slammed on the breaks, pulling them off on a shoulder. "Amber, I already pulled a gun on you one time, why do think I wouldn't again?"

 

She looked him dead in the eye. "You're not a killer Micheal. Just because you've killed to survive doesn't make a you a killer. Once you've lost the will to even survive, what's the point? I've danced with the devil Micheal, I've seen him, felt him, you sir... you're not him. Now, you can either prove me wrong and blow my head off now, or you can get your head out of your ass and let me fucking help you. Up to you."

 

Her voice held no semblance of fear despite Juice being sure she had to be. She turned it off, checked out, he recognized the look in her eyes. That same look Tully would get when he came into his cell. Juice wasn't the only one who checked out during their visits, the Nazi bastard did too. He was as much a puppet on a string being willed to perform, and so he did. Just like Juice, he was trying to survive. Amber had been through some kind of darkness, her eyes said it all. She had let go of the present and welcomed death, welcomed rage, whatever he threw at her she was walking head high unafraid into it.

 

Here he was again, wondering who the hell she was, and how he'd gotten her out of all the people.

 

He burst out laughing like a deranged crazy person. "You might be more insane than me." He pulled the car back onto the road, both of them laughing at the situation.

 

"Yeah well, don't piss me off and you won't have to find out." She winked, before smiling and looking back out the window.


	21. 21

"Well where are we going?" Juice asked still driving aimlessly down the interstate. Amber was still sitting with her head against the window, her feet propped on the dash.

"Well, does it matter? You can go anywhere."

 

He nodded. "You know? What if I went back to school? Did something legit. I could do IT type shit ya know."

 

"I hear Atlanta has a good program for that. Wanna check out Georgia?"

 

He thought about it for few minutes, the car was quiet while he thought.

"Really? Georgia? I mean, like to stay? I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder."

 

She rolled her eyes, shifting in her seat to sit up straight. "Dude I've only known you a little while and  I can tell you'd be looking over your shoulder even if none of this other crap was going on."

 

"That's true." He smacked his hands on the steering wheel. "I'd kill for a smoke. It's been three weeks and I'm crawling out of my skin."

 

"I'm starving, so if you want to stop somewhere we can grab some food. Get you some gum or something, you've made it this long, may as well quit."

 

He narrowed his eyes at her, and choked on a cough.

 

"Pizza sound good? That sign says there's a chain place off the next exit." She nodded agreeing.

 

In the silence of the ride his mind started to wonder. If he went to Georgia how long could he stay before he had to run again? Was he always going to be running? What was this girls deal? Why was she so fucking nice to him, he didn't fucking deserve it. She was a good girl, coming up with typical ideas for life. Go to school? He was too old to be a student, his new ID said he was twenty five, sure he looked it, but he wasn't twenty five. He began to wonder what kind of person the man he was impersonating was. He'd have to hack some files and figure it out.

 

Something about Ambers calmness even after he told her the truth shook his core. Something wasn't right about her.

He thought about Chibs, how much he must have hurt him. The man had been like a father to him, a best friend, the only person he trusted and he'd broke his heart. What was he even thinking leaving him listed as his emergency contact? That is probably what started all of this. If he had removed him, Tully wouldn't have gone out of his way to cover his ass. Why would Chibs not have fought it then? Why did he even care what Tully had done to him? Nothing in the world made sense anymore.

 

Finally they pulled into the lot, he went to open the door but Amber stopped him, grabbing his arm.

"Hey Micheal. I know there's things you can't tell me, some of the darkness in your past. But um." She raised one hand cupping his cheek. He wasn't sure how to respond to the gesture, his heart started racing. "I meant what I said about you being a good guy. It's in your eyes."

 

She locked eyes with him for a second, and then dropped her hand, moving so they could get out of the car. He was stunned really, he felt like he'd been sucker punched.

 

"So I thought of more questions." He thought quickly of something to say.

 

They picked a booth and sat, waiting for the waitress to get their order.

"Shoot." She folded her arms on the table, giving him a teasing smile.

 

"Tell me about your family. You mentioned brother."

 

Her face fell, and he felt like shit for it, but fair was fair.

 

"Can we skip my brother for now?"

 

He nodded. "Parents? Other siblings?"

 

"Yeah, all brothers. They grew up riding, I didn't get too, like I mentioned before. Started riding as an adult, mostly to piss my dad off."

 

He laughed, he remembered feeling that defiance.

 

"What's your parents do?"

 

She made big eyes, thinking about how to explain. "It's complicated."

 

The waitress came over before she could continue, taking their orders. Once she walked away Juice urged her to continue.

 

"Well mom pretty much stays home. Dad traveled a lot, he works for FBI doing a bunch of stuff he describes as classified."

 

Juice raised a brow at her now. "He'd fucking love you running around with me." He deadpanned, worried about the consequences of running around with her.

 

She shook her head. "No. He trusts my judgment typically more than a rap sheet. He handles like big ring groups and trafficking stuff like that."

 

Juice choked on his soda. "Big ring groups?"

 

She shrugged. "He doesn't talk about it much. I think it's like gangs, but like next level gangs. International level stuff. His most recent job has been in out in California. He's been out there for months, sucks for mom cause she basically alone when he's gone, now that we're all grown."

 

Juice felt like his heart was going to explode, or he was going to vomit or faint again. He'd seen the wall, the organizations all being linked together, coming back to the Sons. He had to have been involved in the operation, somehow.

 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell my dad anything you've told me. Even if I did, he'd probably try to help you before he sent you back inside. You're officially dead, unless you're a threat to society he's gonna leave it be. Without your club of bandits or whatever I doubt you're very bad on your own." She snickered but he wasn't hungry anymore.


	22. 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Amber is coming to the surface. Juice is trying to navigate life.

He sipped his soda and thought, he'd already asked her about her family one night. He'd forgotten about it but she said her dad was a marine, he brothers were in the service. Why did her story change? What was she hiding?

 

"Amber? When did your dad join the FBI? He retired from the Marines yeah?"

 

She swallows a bite of food. "Yeah, so he served so many years in the service, when he about forty five he retired and joined the bureau. My brothers are still enlisted, they're older than me. I came along after dad joined the bureau, remember I said I was a surprise. My brothers have kids now."

 

"Wow, your parents must have been shocked!" He laughed.

 

"They were. Mom was a teacher till I came along, she stayed at home with me pretty much till I was in high school. Now she teaches part time at a community college."

 

He finally took a bite.

"I feel like you're avoiding telling me something. Maybe it's just in my head, but there's something."

 

She looked at him with an annoyed face.

 

"It's fucked up. Not important though."

 

He pushed his plate away.

"Everything I've told you is fucked up Amber."

 

She nodded accepting that what he'd said was true.

"My older brother, the one who put a bullet in his head. He's not actually my brother. He was my dad. I was raised to think he was my brother, he knocked up his high school girlfriend when he was fifteen."

 

Juices eyes were giant, he knew he looked surprised but he couldn't change his expression.

 

"Apparently whoever my mother was told Keith she'd had an abortion. Her family moved, Keith got sent to a military boarding school. Anyway, obviously she kept me, my parents had stayed in touch, wanted to adopt me. They didn't want their blood out there in world unaccounted for. They picked me up from a hospital in Pennsylvania. When Keith came home for Christmas from school I was there. I think he knew, cause, you know, he was always taking care of me when he was home. When he came home from Iraq that last time he told me not to forget who I am."

 

Juice was speechless, what can you say to something like that? In one sense it was completely unbelievable but in every sense it was believable. He just stared at her over his plate.

 

She blushed, and pushed some hair behind her ear.

"I um. I didn't know what he meant at the time. Don't forget who you are. It was such an odd statement I thought. He'd tell me that every time I saw him those next few months. Then one day, bang! I rummaged one day looking for information about him in the house, I found my documents in the safe. My parents still don't know that I know. We've been rocky since. I was sixteen then, so it's been a while."

She took a sip of her soda. Juice was still listening intently.

 

"So yeah, I've got my secrets. You've still got some too."

 

Juices heart was beating so fast he thought he was he going to die in the pizza place. This was too much for him, her dad was probably in some way responsible for all the shit the club went through even if she didn't know it, the girls family was a mess. There was no telling what skeletons they had in their closet. He had this urge to run, run and never look back. He was tired of being a coward, he kept taking the easy way out of things. He ran from Queens, he ran from the club, he ran from Stockton, could he just keep running?

 

"Well Amber, and your closet of secrets, I'm Micheal, this is my closet of darkness. We're pleased to meet you." He smiled like a dork and he felt like a dork but she snickered also. That snicker, the smile she had despite the tears trying to escape her eyes was beautiful. Someone like him could see the beauty in someone broken, because he was broken. Maybe they were supposed to meet and navigate some part of life together?

 

"It's nice to meet you as well... dork." She winked.

 

He thought for a minute about what they were going to do for real. He needed to hear from Tully about what was going on, but he didn't know how long that would take. He was worried about this girl he'd never met, he hoped that the club wouldn't hurt her. Women had never been their thing, but things had changed so much.

 

"So to Louisiana? Mississippi? Georgia? Where too?"He asked curiously.

 

"Well we can go through Mississippi on the way to Georgia. I think you should check out the school, before the semester starts. See if you like it and what you need to do to enroll. Then maybe we can take a trip to Louisiana for fun before we both start school."

 

He nodded, that could work.

"If I do go, if I stay in Georgia, you go back to Miami, we're not going to see each other." He concluded, feeling actual remorse.

 

"We will work it out. I have friends all over the world, literally and we keep in touch. I think I can handle sixteen hours. It's not that far." She smiled, inside knowing given his circumstances there was a high possibility of not seeing him again once they went their separate ways. She also really hoped he'd find a way to keep in touch with her.

 

He put some cash on the table. "Let's ride Bonnie"

 


	23. 23

Two days later they made it to Atlanta, still no word from Tully. Juice was getting antsy not having communication with him. If anything he could tell him what the hell was going on in Charming. Were the guys after him? Was he safe? Did he need to go back into hiding? The thoughts inside his head were loud, they were closing in on him. 

He paced his hotel room, just like he had paced his cell before that, and the hotel before that, that fucking closet in the Mayans warehouse before that. It seemed like he spent his entire life pacing, lately it was becoming a trend. All of it a prison, just different paint on the walls. The prison was inside his mind and there's no escaping that. 

The school was big, bigger than he expected for what he thought was a community college. They finally found the admissions building and parked.  
"Amber, do you really think this is a good idea?" 

She took his hand in hers, bringing his hand to her lips. She pressed a kiss to his hand and nodded before letting go.  
"I do. I think this would be good for you. Stability, routine, structure. A reason to get you out of your apartment. Which we have to be at one to tour in two hours so we've got to get out of the car."

He took a deep breath. "Right." 

He tried to imagine himself as a student, something he hadn't been in a long time. The inside of the building reminded him more of a hospital mixed with a chic hotel than a school. The walls were a sterile white color, minimal art work on the walls, a name plaque notating the doors that lined the entrance hall. They found one that said admissions and registration. 

Amber waited outside the office for Micheal to talk to them. She had managed to make it this far without searching him online, she knew now his real name wasn't Micheal. Somewhere there had to be something she could use to find out more about him. 

She went to her browser screen.  
Dr. Shot in Queens she typed in, figuring something would have to come up. 

There were hits, several of them for shootings in the area, drug busts, etc. She tried again. 

Oncologist killed in Queens 90's  
She wasn't sure about the date, but given his approximate age, she figured the nineties were a good guess. From what he had told her, his mom was pregnant with him when they met, so this dr wouldn't look like him. There were hits on this entry as well, from drive by shootings at the hospital to gang activity. She pressed her fingers into the bridge of her nose, frustrated. 

Dr killed in Queens New York

That got better results. Some articles about the hospital, and then BAM!  
Well respected Dr. Juan Ortiz Oncologist gunned down...  
She clicked on the link to the article. There was a picture of the man, he was handsome, smiling, he looked happy in his professional photo. There were a few other pictures of the man and his family, a boy in the pictures was unmistakably Micheal. She was blown away finding it, she was zooming in on the picture when the office door opened. 

"Thank you sir. I'll bring these back in the morning." Juice gestured to the papers in his hand. 

Amber closed out her phone and shoved it into her purse, looking up at him smiling. He looked happy, she figured it must have gone well. 

"So?" She stood to meet him. 

"Well I have to apply, it's an intense program. I can test into it though so that's good, especially since I never took the SAT. I'll take their placement exam, and a technology exam to make sure I can cut it. Then I can register for Fall semester." 

She pulled him into a hug. "That's so great! You come back tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, I have to turn in the application and my forty dollar fee. Then they will schedule the tests. I have to get my transcripts and stuff, that's going to be more difficult. I can work it out though." 

She looped her arm through his as they walked to the car.

"Micheal this is so great! You're going to do well! I'll help you study."

"From Florida?" He teased. 

"We can FaceTime. You'd better not get up here checking out all the cuties!" She shot back jokingly. 

He pulled her into him, against the car. He remembered the way it felt she kissed him that night, all the times he's wanted to kiss her since. All the reasons he shouldn't flooded his mind, he shook them away. "Why not?" He grinned widely at her, lacing his fingers through hers, their foreheads touching. He saw her neck turning red, her breathing changed a little bit, confirming what he thought. 

"Well because I'm not driving eighteen hours to come beat up some floozy." She laughed, breaking the moment. He sighed but really it was probably for the best. 

"Come on, let's go apartment hunting!"


	24. 24

The apartments Amber had chosen to look at were way nicer than anything he would have found. He didn't really have a budget, he was still waiting for his accounts to be finalized so he could use his own money. For now he was good pretending the money he was using was from his own funds. He had figured up what his take should have been on the sale of his business, he figured if he stayed within those means he could pay Tully back. Hopefully he'd have some sort of job, any job to help pay for things. 

The third apartment they went through was nice, but not fancy. There was a garden out back the tenants shared, a key code to get into the main floor hall. A receptionist like you'd see at a hotel, they apparently handled mail. They also didn't like to be called a receptionist, apparently those people were property management. 

The apartment was spacious, very open. It was studio, which Juice liked. His kitchen, living room, and bedroom were all one big open space. The bedroom area had three short steps up to the platform where a bed would go. There was a short hallway that led to the bathroom, and a short flight of stairs that led to a loft area. He wasn't quite sure what that was for, it was open as well. A rustic looking guardrail was the only thing separating it. The living room space had big picture windows, a glass door that went to the patio. Sure Amber said the building wasn't fancy, but this was the fanciest apartment he'd ever been in. It had its own laundry hook ups, the patio was the length of the apartment. 

Out of them all this was his favorite, it was open, free, it didn't at all remind him of a prison cell, or his apartment in Charming. The only thing he wasn't fond of was the windows. All the glass, anyone could break into the place. As if the lady showing the apartment read his mind she informed them that it was plexiglass. Shatterproof. They took security very seriously, being in downtown Atlanta they'd have too. He would be on the seventh floor, high enough that no one would scale the building. None of the Sons, or Tully's guys would get through here un-noticed. 

"What's the monthly on this?" He asked trying not to sound afraid of what she'd say. 

"Thirteen a month. That does include electric, water, trash pickup. The building also has a cable hook up, if you want to use it. You're welcome to acquire your own cable and internet. We have a lot of students and they seem to like when apartments furnish that stuff for them. We're a newer complex so we're following the trends." 

Juice could read her, she was new to this. She wanted to make a sale on the building, she probably needed too. 

"Students?" He looked skeptical, he didn't want a bunch of drunk kids banging on his door. 

"Yeah, mostly fourth year, we don't rent to freshmen. Down stairs I can show you the facilities. There's a weight room, pool, game room, study hall. Weekdays there's even a coffee shop. Though it's ran by a property manager and everything is free." 

"Wow. That's serious catering to students." He chuckled.  He looked at Amber. "Why don't you live in an apartment?" 

She rolled her eyes at him. 

The leasing agent redirected them to the door. "We can go down to the leasing office if you want. I can give you a copy of the application, and the tenant agreement for you to look over. See if we're a good fit."   
They took the forms and went back to his car.   
"This requires a credit check, and I have to make triple the rent. Amber I can't do this."

"Yes you can. You have access to money right? That person. If you can prove you have money they will accept it."

"I don't have access to the account. He hasn't called in two days, I can't just be like hey, I need to know how to access this." 

"Aren't you a hacker?" She smiled mischievously. 

"I'm trying to be legit Amber." 

"Consider it step towards that. I mean obviously this person trusts you enough not to go to an ATM and just wipe his accounts. Doesn't this card have a PIN number?" 

He felt like an idiot. It never occurred to him to just take it to one. Tully had added him to the account so he could have a card. He could easily go to an ATM and see the balance. Hell he could go into a BOA and get information. 

"I'll just go to BOA and ask for a statement." 

"There you go. You just gotta think." She winked. 

"Why hasn't he called? You seemed actually bothered by that." 

He breathed in through his teeth, resting his head on the steering wheel. "Because he's my only link to what's going on. If I'm safe or not." 

"Can I ask who this person is? I mean I know it's not your boyfriend. But... you're just different when you do talk to him, even when you talk about him."

"Amber all I can and will tell you is that he's not a good person. He's in prison, that's why it's hard to get in touch. I can't tell you where or anything else." 

She nodded. "That's okay. I understand, I don't need specifics. I just want you to know you can talk to me. Why don't we go back to hotel, get some rest and then we can go over all your forms and make a plan?" 

He agreed with her that would be good. He wanted to break free from his life but every step dug him deeper into Tully's hole. That's how it felt anyway. He'd never be free of the man, what's worse is he was actually worried about him. What was going on in Stockton? Who ratted him out, what were the repercussions of that? What did he tell Chibs? Hell did Chibs still want him dead, now that the king of crazy was dead? Surely the man couldn't be so committed to a club of people who use each other and kill each other that he'd push his own thoughts aside? They were close once, he wished they could be now. Chibs would have the answers to what he should do, he would help him make a plan. 

There was no Chibs though, only himself in the prison of his mind. Tully's grip he could still feel on his hips, crawling around inside his mind. He was in the world but still captive to the life he'd left behind.


	25. 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice has some realizations and isn't really sure what to do with them. He also uses it to advantage a little bit. Or plans too at least.

He decided to skip going to the bank, and instead went to an ATM. His card had a PIN number, so doing an inquiry was easy. Really he wasn't sure why he didn't think of this sooner. He didn't take Amber with him, or even tell her he was going when he slipped out of the room down the hall from her. He hoped she was actually sleeping, maybe he'd make it back unnoticed.

 

He tried not to look suspicious, though he felt suspicious. Technically anywhere he went, if he used the card Tully could track him. He'd know where he was, what city he was in, the hair on his neck stood up with a chill. He wondered if that had been part of the plan, getting him on his account, providing him with a card. Not only would he have some sort of power over him, he'd be able to keep up with him also. He thought about it, decided next time he went somewhere he'd get cash back. He could explain spending a couple hundred dollars on groceries at a new place but he couldn't explain a couple hundred from an ATM.

 

He slid the card in, the PIN was Tully's birthday. Juice cringed when he realized the numbers, **1569**. For someone who wasn't fond of holidays he made sure everyone knew it was his birthday, and his whole block celebrated. _Inquiry_.

 

The account balance that populated on the screen made Juice choke. He shook his head and looked again, rubbed his eyes, squinted, still the number stayed the same. The realization that this wasn't the mans _only_ account startled him even more. He didn't know how many _business_ accounts the man had, but this one was his actual personal account. Business for the AB was apparently really good, like really really good.

 

The guilt he had over using the bastards funds shriveled up just a little bit. Hell the man wouldn't even really notice anything he spent, cept for Juice knew he watched his accounts like a hawk. Every dime would be accounted for, though Tully says he doesn't have to pay it back he knows very well he could change his mind any time.

 

He was signing papers for the apartment first thing the next morning. He could take the receipt from the ATM and hope they'd accept it until he could convince Tully to let him get a statement. Hell, he could pay for the entire year up front, he could pay his tuition for the entire year, and still barely make a dent.

 

He hated the excitement that ran through him, how it filled him with a little bit of undeserved pride that someone like Tully would do this for him. His own Sugar Daddy really, all he had to do was pout and bat his eye lashes, flirt a little and the man would give him anything he wanted. He knew it was wrong, manipulation like this. At the same time he felt justified in it, nothing he could do would be as bad anything Tully has done. It was almost as if the bastard actually cared, as if they weren't both playing some game. They both had to know they were pawns for each other board, but neither of them mentioned it. Just danced around it, as if this fucked up life was typical.

 

He fucking hated Tully, he wanted to hate him, needed to hate him. Unfortunately he also needed him, felt protected by him, so he continued playing. He started trying to plan what he'd say, how he'd present the idea of paying for the apartment. He could ask about his account, when they'd be set up, and then mention the apartment. Surely Tully would just say to go ahead right? He did say whatever was his was Juices. He also said that it was his as long Juice belonged to him. Could he really afford that type of debt?

 

He made his way back to his hotel room, pulled out his laptop. He hadn't hacked in a while, now seemed like a good time to start. He could hack the prison files, figure out which Sons where there and what for. He decided instead to set up the documents he'd need for school, create a transcript, test scores, he'd need a medical history. He poured himself into his computer, literally building a life, making sure Roberto Miguel had as much in common with Juan Carlos as he had differences. There were so many things he had to put together and things he probably hadn't thought of, but he could cross that bridge when he got to it.

 

Again that shutter went through him, he thought about how Tully would be proud of him for putting everything together. Thinking like one of them, he'd say he taught him something. The unfortunate truth was that he had. The man he wanted to hate gave him more survival skills than his club, took his nerves and cut them into the quick. Severing his thoughts of morally correct, and replacing them with surviving and getting ahead. Why else would he be playing Tully's game? He knew he was nothing like the Nazi Bastard, but in some ways, he was just as ruthless.

 

He swore once he got his life together he'd be legit. No more crime, no more sugar daddy Tully, no more running. He'd have a normal life, he'd do normal things, he'd leave all of this behind. He'd escaped death, prison, the Sons, he could escape this too. Right?


	26. 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice makes a big decision in haste and hopes it was the right one. He can't stop his thoughts from drifting to Tully and wondering what was going on in Charming.

"Good morning Mr. Ramirez. Did you decide to fill out the application?" Shirley the leasing agent greeted him from her office.

 

He managed to keep his shaking to a minimum, reminding himself it was all part of the game. He put on his best smile. "Yes ma'am. I believe I filled everything out correctly. I remembered you mentioning you'd need bank statements, I dug and dug through the things I have with me, but I don't have any printed out at the moment. I'm just moving to Georgia, I can get them for you though."

 

She took his application. "Have a seat, please." She gestured to a chair in front of her desk. "Let's see what we have here. I need to make a copy of your drivers license to go with your application, and I'll do a quick soft credit check. If your credit check comes through okay, we won't need those statements. I understand moving! It's such a mess!" She smiled happily at him, he nodded hoping she couldn't tell he was freaking out. He just hoped he had put enough information on the report to seem legit, had he covered his trail good enough?

 

"Are you currently employed?" She asked putting on readers, waiting for the computer to log into her software.

 

"No ma'am, not at this time. I do have the money though for the deposit as well as first months rent. I'm a student at the Technology Institute. I'm hoping to find something part time."

 

She nodded enthusiastically, typing quickly into her computer, glancing at his application every once in a while.

 

"How do plan on paying rent while you're here? A parent? Savings?" She pulled her glasses to hang around her neck while the screen loaded. She looked skeptical, Juice was unsure of how this was going.

 

"Do I need a parent? I was assuming given my age I could sign for myself." He didn't mean for it to sound rude but he was confused. He didn't remember any of the questions being asked anywhere else he'd lived. Though they weren't as nice as this place.

 

She chuckled a little. "No, you don't need a co-signer or anything. I just want to make sure you don't get in over your head."

 

"Oh, no worries. My uh, dad, will help me cover it. He just refuses to sign anything with us, ya know?" He was surprised at himself with how easily the lie came out.

 

"You have a really good credit score. Based on that information you qualify for housing here. The unit you saw yesterday is available. Oh, is the lady that was with you also going to be moving in?"

 

He knew he looked surprised by her question, but he just laughed it off. "No ma'am, she goes to school in Miami. It will just be me."

 

"Okay then, we just have to run her information as well is all. So you can move in when your ready, we recommend the end of the month to help with cost. We can pro-rate the month though if you need to move in sooner."

 

He nodded. "Yes ma'am, I'd like to if that okay? We're doing the hotel thing while we were looking into options around town."

 

She sat a pile of papers in front of him, and slowly went over them. After he'd signed everything, making extra sure to sign the right name she handed him a key. "Did you want to go ahead and pay the deposit and first months? Or do you need to check with the account holder?"

 

He figured he was either really brave or really stupid, but he handed her the card. "I don't typically make large purchases. If for some reason it doesn't go through I can have dad call the bank so they know to expect the large transaction." He regurgitated with confidence the information Tully had gave him about the car. She nodded and ran the card.

 

He sighed with relief when she handed him a receipt to sign. "Looks good. Just sign here. Those are your copies there. Look forward to having you here."

 

He was vibrating with nerves and excitement when he slid into his car. He couldn't wait to tell Amber he'd gotten the apartment. Hell he couldn't wait to tell Tully he'd found a place. He didn't know why, but he wanted to fucker to be proud of him. He needed someone to be. He wasn't just a fuck up. Surely he would see that.

 

His next stop was the school, he had to turn in his application, now that he had a permanent address he could officially apply. Hopefully he'd get accepted and this entire ordeal wouldn't be in vain. He also hoped that Tully wouldn't respond unexpectedly and be pissed off at him for his spending. Speaking of Tully he thought, it'd been 5 days now since he'd heard from the man. He was getting more and more unnerved by his absence the longer it was there. This was a new Hell, purgatory of the unknown. He wondered if it ever stopped, if he'd ever just live.


	27. 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice is getting nervous despite his good news

* * *

Another week, still no word from Tully, his men, or anyone for that matter. He'd gotten moved into his apartment, which was way to nice for the meager belongings he owned and the second hand furniture he furnished it with. It was his though and he was proud of that. Amber had helped him with the shopping, putting together odd and ends from the local thrift store. Her womanly skills as Juice called them had been put to good use making the place look homey despite his lack of decor.

 

He was on his computer at the kitchen bar, Amber had gone out to pick up their lunch. He kept picking up his phone and checking the messages, despite knowing no one would message him. No one besides Amber and Tully. How pathetic was he, jonesing over his rapists absence.

 

"Hey dork!" Amber came bursting in like the optimistic ball of happiness she was. Bags in one hand, keys in her teeth and a pile of mail in hand.

"Picked up your mail from downstairs. Most of it looks like new guy junk but you got a letter from the school."

 

He lit up, though he tried not to get excited. The letter could very well be a regretfully decline letter.

"You open it and then give it to me." He suggested turning back around to his computer. He knew he wouldn't get in, how could he? He was a fuck up, loser, a felon. Of course they wouldn't know that but it was written all over him. Any decent proper person could smell the rotting rat infested garbage on him.

 

He cringed when he heard the envelope tear open, his shoulders dropped more when she sighed. He tried to remain neutral, didn't want to show his disappointment. It was an emotion he wasn't really entitled too, seeing as how he was nothing more than a disappointment himself.

 

"I'm sorry Micheal." She patted his shoulder getting him to turn and face her. Her brow was crinkled sympathetically. He shrugged, frowning a little.

"It's alright, I'll just try again or get a job. Or move, who knows."

 

She giggled a little bit, feeling cruel for trying to joke him. "I'm sorry that you're not going to get to stay up all night anymore playing games or whatever you do. You'll be up studying and eating junk, living off energy drinks and coffee."

 

He looked at her confused.

 

"You got in. You big dork! I told you,you would. You passed the entrance exam. You have to meet with your advisor and register for Fall Semester!"

 

She grabbed him, pulling him into a hug. He felt like an idiot when they started jumping up and down squealing together from excitement. He didn't care in the moment though. This was it, his new start.

"Wow! I uh, I didn't think I'd actually get in. Shit. Fuck. Holy shit! Amber what am I going to do?"

 

She backed up from the hug and let their arms rest together. "You'll go to class. You're going to be fine Micheal. You just have to get back into the groove."

 

He nodded in silent agreement, swallowing thickly.

"Yeah, I just don't want to fuck it up."

 

She rubbed his bicep sympathetically. "Come on dork, let's eat. Foods getting cold."

 

She pulled out the containers of Chinese food and put it onto plates. "Hey! You know what! We should celebrate. I know you don't drink, but we could like go out for ice cream or something."

 

"That'd be great. Oh hey, in the morning I have another session at the laser place. Probably take about an hour. Do you need the car?" He asked over a mouth full of noodles.

 

"Gross you caveman!" She scrunched her nose up laughing. "No, my only plans are to take you school shopping. And you need something to put on your walls." She hesitated for a moment. "What tattoo are you removing? If I'm allowed to ask."

 

He tilted his head at her in confusion. "Remember that day you were dancing around naked and... well I noticed you had a lot of them. I didn't stare at them obviously, but... I mean I don't know. I'm just curious. So much of you is a mystery. I get it. I just can't help but be curious."

 

"I'm removing my chest tattoos. Once they've done what they can do I'll get a big chest piece to cover the scaring." He rubbed his hand over his chest through his shirt. The skulls naming him Son Shine would be gone, no longer branded. He'd covered his reaper, he only had a little more real estate to go and he'd be free. He shook his head trying to erase the memories tying him to the ink.

 

"Oh. Guess I still can't see them huh?" He smiled and shook his head no.

 

"You can help me pick a chest piece though. I've been drawing some ideas, your input would be helpful."

 

He looked at his phone again, sighing under his breath before eating another bite.

 

"Still no word from your... um...  person?" She looked up at him from where she was leaned against the other side of the bar. Trying to keep her voice casual but failing.

 

Juices mind raced, of course he hadn't heard from him. The Sons got him, he was probably fucking dead. Just like everything else, he fucked that up too. He lived and it cost him the only human that could stand to be around him. It made him sick to care about the Nazi but he couldn't help it. The Sons were probably looking for him. He didn't deserve to be happy, all these graces he was being given were just traps to lull him into a false sense of security. The universe would knock him down and the reaper would get him. You can't outrun death forever.

 

"No. I haven't. He's probably busy with business or something." Which sounded totally normal until he remembered he'd told her the truth already. "You know Nazi business or something." He tried to joke but it didn't work.

 

"Should we be worried? You said someone double crossed him, gave you up. Would they come looking for you?"

 

He nodded. "That's why we ran. Hopefully he will call soon. He's probably in the hole. He had to get rid of the burner. Whoever crossed him has probably been strung up and fed to the birds honestly. Or his fucking weird ass dogs."He was shocked at himself with out normal these not normal statements were coming out of him.

 

He'd learned to play the game, to assimilate to the situations. He was basically a robot, programmed to do whatever he was told to do. Nothing had really changed except for the scenery and he missed Tully. That in itself was a mind fuck. Not hearing from the man was really messing with him, he needed to get out more.

 

"Well, can you look at the files?" He looked at her like she was an alien, just casually asking something like that. As if it were the most obvious thing to do.

 

"I guess." He shrugged not wanting his anxiety to show.

 

"You work on that. I'm going to go shower." She put away her food and left the kitchen.


	28. 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juices head is a scary place, but the world is scarier.

As the shower ran, Amber sat the closed toilet lid. Mentioning that he should hack prison files reminded her of her own research she'd been doing. She opened the tab on her phone with the article she'd found.

 

 _Well respected Dr. Juan Ortiz Oncologist gunned down..._ the headline read, she looked at the pictures of the family. The family, a girl about ten or so and a teenage boy, definitely Micheal, a woman with dark sad eyes, and the dr, they looked perfect, dressed in formal wear, smiling despite their eyes. They all had the same sad eyes. The same sad eyes Micheal still had now.

 

_Pictured below: Dr. Ortiz, wife Stella, daughter Sonya, and son Juan-Carlos, attend Annual Fundraiser Gala for Children's Oncology Unit at North Ridge hospital in Queens NY. Six months prior to the fatal accident claiming the life of Dr. Ortiz._

 

The article went on to talk about the dr, his family, the loss of his daughter. It went on to explain the accident, his obituary and funeral service information was listed. _Juan-Carlos_ she thought the name, it suited him. She couldn't imagine how the kid in picture, with the perfect looking family could end up on the run. But she knew all too well how families had their secrets.

 

She closed the tab and pulled up a new search bar, typing in just the name _Juan-Carlos Ortiz._ Nothing on social media came up, but she did have a few web links. Some of them took her to random people online, apparently his name wasn't rare. She clicked on the images search tab, scrolling through the pictures until she came across a picture that looked like him. It was a mug shot, a young Micheal with a Mohawk and head tattoos. She followed the link, taking her to a government site, several other men were pictured along with him linking them to the Sons of Anarchy in Charming California. Her blood started to feel cold as a chill ran down her. The article asked for information about them, apparently something was going on with them, the article was ten years old, she closed it and continued searching his name.

 

His obituary came up, just a brief synopsis listing his name, his age, that he was buried within the prison cemetery. The rabbit hole led her to random junk news sites talking about prison politics and other social issues. He seemed to have garnered a decent amount of attention for the people interested in that sort of thing.

_Inmate fatally stabbed in cafeteria brawl. Are our prisons over crowded?_

 

_Model inmate brutally stabbed, taken out of protective custody against administrations orders. Who's really calling the shots?_

_Inmate mental health and rehabilitation services are nonexistent leaving many excommunicated gang members to the justice of inmate politics._

 

_Juan-Carlos Ortiz better known as "Juice" member of notorious motorcycle club Sons of Anarchy killed in gang retaliation. Club representatives refuse to comment, President states simply that he was no longer a member when the incident occurred._

 

All of the articles were mostly opinion pieces using him as a focal point to push their narrative. He was basically faceless, could have been any inmate. It didn't bother her to learn that he was who he was, he'd only omitted some of the information. It bothered her more that even in death the journalist were continuing to use him, as a means to an end for their own agenda. From what she'd gathered his whole life had been about pleasing other people, being used for one thing or another, never really having a value beyond the assignment.

 

The man she'd come to know, stripped and broken as he was, was probably the most authentic version of himself he'd been in a long time despite the lies he was built on. When there's nothing left to lose you can let go of pretense. She couldn't help the pit in her stomach with the knowledge that her father had probably been involved somehow in his case. He had been in California at the time, working with organized crime, using smaller clubs to try to get to the big ones. She'd never forgive him he was a part of what happened to him while inside.

 

She jumped into the shower quickly, figuring she'd snooped enough for one day. It's all she could handle. She skipped her hair, balling it up on top of her head, and washing her body quickly.

 

He sat in the kitchen still, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. He had made it into the prison files, he knew Tully's inmate number by heart, but he couldn't type it in. He stared at the page, thinking about what all he could do. He couldn't unsee anything he found. He'd have access to the mans entire record, everything, every note from every counseling session, job, every lock up, crimes, everything.

 

He slowly typed in the inmate search bar of the prisons staff page. The mans most recent intake photo popped up. He was smiling, not his predatory smile, but still an _I'm fucking with you morons_ kind of smile. His brown eyes were dark and devious as ever. Juice stared at the picture for a little bit, his hand absently going to the scar on his neck.

 

 _You went out good sweetheart._ He could feel the mans arms around his chest. Holding him steady, but not pinning him, he held him as he stabbed him, just as he held him in his bunk. The steady beat of his heart, and smooth voice leading him into a comfort he shouldnt have had. He didn't even let him drop to the floor, he guided him down quickly and calmly, before walking away. How was Juice supposed to know he was going to send help, that he'd miss the target as a fuck you to Jax. Tully was no ones pawn, he worked on his own terms and he wanted Juice to himself.

 _My pretty Puerto Rican, I'll see you later baby_.

He'd always tell him he'd see him later, always. The fact that it comforted Juice to know he was coming back always bothered him, but he didn't like to be alone. Tully had told him later he respected the fact that Juice went into his own death with peace and dignity. He did what he was supposed to do like a good soldier and he welcomed the death he had earned. _Jax doesn't rule my prison baby. You always deserved better than his legacy._ He petted his hair in the infirmary, the night before he paid the nurse to fake his death.

 

He couldn't pull his eyes away from the screen, the picture holding his gaze just as Tully would have if he were here. The water shutting off in the bathroom brought him back, and he sighed in relief that he hadn't gotten too lost inside his head.

 

There were other pictures in the file, all of the mans tattoos documented, every mug shot since his first arrest in the nineties. Juice chuckled a little when he saw that one, he looked like such a punk ass. He had long black hair, a lip ring which Juice couldn't believe. He was skinny, sickly skinny and his eyes had the same devious smart ass look, but these eyes held fear. Looking at the pictures from bottom to top, you could see the transition of the man, becoming this lifeless, steel hearted shot caller he was now. Juice couldn't help but wonder what brought him to this point, he was absolutely sure it wouldn't be documented in these files.

 

He clicked on his main file, looking for information about where he might be. _Transfer Pending._ Was listed beside his number, below his cell block.

Basic information was listed here as well.

_Name: Ronald Chase Tully_

_DOB: 1-5-1969_

_Status: living, Stockton State Penitentiary_

_Place of birth: Canton, Ohio_

_Known Alias: Tully, Ron, Golden Boy_

_Affiliations: Aryan Brotherhood_

_Rank: 3_

_Cell Block: H Job: library_

_Inmate Pending Outside Transfer_

 

As he looked over the information he noticed a trend. Apparently he had been transferred before within the federal prison system. They seemed to move him, keeping other brotherhood members in ranks separated. Before Stockton he'd been in a prison in Kansas for ten years, he was coming up on twelve in Stockton so the move was overdue. Maybe this was why he hadn't heard from him. The guards sold him out, and now he was moving. Trying to knock him from his rank, so he'd have to start over building alliances inside. That's what they thought anyway, what good guys fail to understand is that many of these alliances are already established and he will walk into the new place in the same rank he left in. You can't just take away power when the person hasn't done anything to lose it.

 

He finally found a link to the transfer.

_Scheduled anonymous transfer for August 8, for intake to Macon State Prison on August 12. Combination transportation, air and ground provided._

 

He closed his computer tabs, clearing out any trace he'd ever been on the site, or inside their records. He looked at his calendar,August 9, so the man was in transit. He'd probably been in holding somewhere waiting for the transfer. Especially if they wanted him to go unnoticed, or not be able to set up an escape.

 

His only real relief was that he was no longer in Charming, no longer connected to the club at all really. But where the fuck is Macon State prison?

 

"Whatcha looking up? Find anything good?" Amber asked calmly. She had on her jeans and bra, holding a shirt in her hand. He tried to maintain eye contact, not letting his eyes roam over her exposed skin. Still feeling a little relief at the desire to look, seeing as how he'd had no desire, or felt much of anything really in a long time.

 

"Yeah, yeah, feel better actually. Just looking up a location."

 

She walked over to him, looking at the map.

 

"He's being transferred, so it will probably be a little while before he's able to call." He mentioned calmly before all the blood left his head and a chill ran down his spine. The map pin pointed the prison, reading above the pin:

_Macon State Prison, Macon,Georgia._


	29. 29

"Shit. Fuck, fucking god dammit!" He slammed the laptop closed, jumping from his chair he started pacing. His breath was coming in short frantic waves, he tried to steady himself.

 

"Did you fucking do this? Huh? Fucking tell me the truth Amber!" He shouted at her, cornering her against the couch.

 

She was stunned, uncertain of what he was on about. Though the information she had learned did give insight to his paranoia. He didn't trust her, not really, below the surface was a festering wound that wasn't going to heal.

 

"Micheal calm down." She tried to keep her voice steady, getting her hands between them. Tears streaked her face in terror now, a part of her regretted getting tangled up in his mess. He gripped her cheeks between his finger and thumb holding her face very close to his. His big brown sad eyes, no longer looked on the verge of tears but pure unfiltered hatred flashed in them.

"Please Micheal. J-Ju--- she stuttered trying to get out his real name. As if her life were some fucked up fairy tale and calling the monster by his real name would defeat him.

 

"Shut the fuck up. Unless you have anything useful to say. Do you know him? You fucking work with him don't you. You got fucking clovers or crosses tattooed on you somewhere?"

 

She couldn't speak, fear ran through her, this man that had been so gentle and kind didn't seem to exist. "Who Micheal? Who do I know? I don't know what you're talking about." She cried, pleading with him to back up. "Juan Carlos! I k-know who you are." She screamed in his face, hoping either the words or the shrill of her voice would bring him back.

 

"What the fuck did you call me?" He did take a step back, giving her some room to breathe.

 

"Juan Carlos. I searched you online. I don't know anyone, I promise." She kept crying, not moving from her spot against the couch. "Please tell me what's going on." She sank to the floor, unable to hold herself upright any longer.

 

His eyes lost all sign of life, going cold and dark. His grin reminded her more of the Joker than of the charming one Micheal wore. "I'm sorry Amber. It's probably best if you don't stay here any longer. I'm too damaged, and you're too dangerous."

 

"What the fuck Micheal! You don't just give up like that. I want to help you. I have been helping you. If you want me to go in the morning I'll go. You're buying my fucking plane ticket." She stood back up, no longer interested in the activities they'd previously planned. "Asshole." She muttered as she walked back down the short hallway to the bathroom to finish dressing.

 

His mind was reeling, how would Tully know where he was? Did he really have enough clout to get transferred? Why the fuck would he get transferred if he were unsure they were staying? This was all too much for him to process, he needed to know what was going on. Tully would arrive in a few days, plenty of time for him to make contact with someone in the AB. Call it bravery or stupidity it wouldn't be the first time he'd done something for what he thought was a noble cause only to fuck himself over.

 

He dove back into his computer, accessing the prison page again. Tully only had a few people listed on his visitor log, oddly enough none of the Sons were on it. Just as Juice had suspected, all of those meets were off the books. He took a deep breath, and then added his own new name. He was voluntarily going to face to devil, what the hell was wrong with him? He was seriously loosing his mind, as far as he figured. Not being able to contact Tully meant not being able to warn him first. He thought of all the possible outcomes, all the things he could do to mess with the man.

 

He could buy the room, but why would he want to be alone with the guy? He couldn't risk that, not now. He'd make him come to him, in general visiting. He could only hope that Tully didn't refuse a visit from someone he wasn't expecting. Money could take care of that too. While he was busy blowing Tully's money anyway he may as well make him waste some on himself.

 

He found himself wondering what the man would think when he saw him. Would he smile, frown, be happy, pissed off? Would he finish him off? Would he hug him? Why the fuck did he want him too? Why was he hoping the rapist bastard would be happy to see him? Familiarity breeds comfort they say, but it also harbors a danger. He slammed his head down on the bar, pissed at himself and this fucked up rolled coaster he was involuntarily riding. He owed Amber an apology but a part of him wished she would leave. Then he wouldn't have to feel guilty when she got killed, because she would. Everyone he loves either gets killed or hurt, all of them.

 

Chibs far as he knew was still alive, but he'd hurt him so badly it would never be repaired. The man told him to swallow his gun, and dammit now he wished he had. The hell of wondering what he was doing, if he was alright, how the club was doing was almost too much. The even worse side of that was that they club, specifically Chibs was looking into his death, disappearance and crimes. Juice could never find out why, because he could never see them again. He would just have to keep running from the reaper, and pleading that he take mercy on the idiots who chose to ever love him.


	30. 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a longer chapter. Our characters are embarking on new territory and neither of them are sure what to do with it.

Amber had made herself comfortable on the second hand couch Juice had in the apartment. The silence around them was tense but there was no where else in the giant loft apartment to hide. She just stayed inside her thoughts, wondering if any of this was worth the trouble. She tensed a little as he closed the computer again, watching as he rested his head on the counter top in obvious frustration. He took a long deep breath before sitting back up right again. 

"Amber." He spoke quietly turning on his stool to face her. "I know you're awake. Can we please talk?"   
She sat up on the couch and looked at him.

"What's there to talk about Micheal? You can't say it won't happen again, because it will. You need to seek counseling. What you've got going on is some serious PDSD and paranoia. I can't fix that." 

He sighed. "I know. I don't need you to fix me. I'm not good on my own, I'm not good with people anymore either. All I can do is apologize. Tell you I don't want you to leave. I also understand if you do. I'm turning into the definition of an abusive asshole." 

He walked slowly over to the couch, sitting beside her.   
"I don't believe you're an abusive person. You're a person whose been severely abused, you're responding the only way you know how. I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid for you. I feel like Jack on the Titanic. You know, when the girl is about to jump." She laughed a little, pushing her hair behind her ears. 

"You're too involved now?" They both laughed quietly, mostly at the fact that he got the reference.   
"You know, he dies in that movie?" He raised his brows at her, a smirk on his face. 

"You know you're the girl in this movie right?" 

Juice felt his face flush a little, he was checking all the boxes. The air between them was calmer, more friendly that a few moments earlier. 

"You want to draw me like one of your French girls? Is that what you're saying?" He teased, giggling when her cheeks heated up. 

"I just don't want you to jump, and I don't want to freeze to death trying to save you. I need to know that we can help each other." She was serious, holding his gaze, the palm of her hand resting on his cheek. 

"Then don't let me go. I won't let you go either." He knew it was cheesy as he said it. It wasn't even intentional, he didn't realize that he was basically paraphrasing the movie until the words came out of his mouth. The tension in the room had shifted, no longer playful or stressful, it was warmer than before, heavy. He wasn't sure when it happened, but their faces were only millimeters apart, he could feel her breath against him. 

"Stop talking." She grinned, he couldn't see it, he could feel it against his skin. Her smile only began to fade into a puckered kiss as their lips met. They remained closed for a moment, as if they were each contemplating what was happening. Her tongue swiftly made a light swipe over his bottom lip, and he melted into it. 

A raw passion ran through his veins, a heat he hadn't felt in a long time. He pulled her body close to his, embracing her, his hands squeezing at her waistline. Her arms slipped around his neck, comfortably, familiarly, as if they'd been lovers. Gently she shifted, pulling herself up onto his lap, his hands finding their way under her shirt. 

The warmth of her skin felt good to his cold hands. He raked his nails gently over her back, careful not to make any assumptions. He resisted the urge to unhook her bra, leaving it for the moment. Their lips only parted for a moment, a soft kiss pecking against his lips. As the kiss began to slow, their foreheads pressed together as they searched each other's eyes. 

Sweet kisses continued to pepper their lips, and jaw lines, his lips met her neck, making their way to her collar bone. He felt alive, electricity coursing throughout his body, he felt a need deep in his gut yet he knew his cock wasn't responding. He tried to keep his head in the moment, not worry about himself, if she wanted this he could do so many other things for her. His worry about her thinking she wasn't doing it for him was starting to make his head spin out of control. He gripped her waist a little harder and pulled them down into a laying position on the couch. 

He hovered himself above her, smiling down, he let his hands roam a little more freely. Using the noises she was making as his guide he lightly touched her in all the places that seemed safe. "You..." he tried to catch his breath, he didn't want to break the moment but he needed to know what she was thinking.

She looked up at him, one arm around his neck, another hand resting on his cheek again. He met her eyes, before continuing.   
"You want to keep going? I don't want to do anything to fuck up again." 

She pulled him down into another kiss, breaking away just enough to pull his shirt over his head. His tattoos on display before her, he felt as if he'd been laid completely bare. Her eyes skated over his tan body slowly, as if she were memorizing him. He let her, he could let her see him, all his scars, his sins, the family he no longer had claim too but hadn't removed. Only for a moment before it was too much, too raw. He felt on fire, he scooted down so he was more between her legs, his head on her belly.   
"I need to... you need to tell me. What you want." He rested his head against her belly again. When she didn't say anything, just ran her fingers through his thick hair, he swallowed thickly becoming nervous. 

"My head is too fucked up, too messy, Amber. I can't just go with it. I can't do things like... I'm sorry." 

He reluctantly shot his eyes up to see her face again, she was smiling which he hoped was a good thing. Despite her body being everything he'd consider perfect, despite the heat between them, his cock was soft, flaccid, useless.

"You know, no one has ever actually needed verbal consent before. It's refreshing enough to not fuck up the moment." She held his face between her hands, pulling him up to meet her lips again. This kiss was slower, gentle, short. "I want this, whatever this is." 

The tension in his body left and he pulled her shirt quickly over her head. The bra she had on didn't have a clasp, he was almost unsure of how to get it off, when she lifted and pulled it over her own head. His lips found their way to her breasts. Her nipples quickly peaking for him to take into his mouth, he laved his tongue over each one, sucking gently, making circles around it before kissing further down her belly. He was into this, wanted it, but his body continued to fail to respond. 

Her hands made their way over his body, going for the button on his jeans. He gently grabbed her hand pulling it away, shaking his head no. "This is for you, please. Let me give this to you?" He really hoped she would just understand what he wasn't saying. She moved her hands to her own jeans, shimming out of them, leaving her in only her panties. 

He could feel the heat of her radiating against his abs, where he pressed into her. One of his hands slipping between her legs to cup her, he smiled when she moaned happily. He pressed kisses to her thighs, sucking little places in the crease where her legs came together with her femininity. 

Her hands pressed a little firmer on the sides of his head urging him on. No words were spoken between them, they weren't needed. He slipped her panties down, nuzzling her sex, taking in the scent of her, feeling the heat against his face. The swollen nub of nerves greeted him readily as her legs fell lax, opening her to him. His tongue traced over it, earning a breathy moan, and a roll of the hips.

Oral. Mouth fucking. Eating pussy. Things he was good at, when he was a Son. Before he went inside. Before he was just someone's asshole. Nazi property. Cock sucking for survival or for fun, towards the end he couldn't really tell. Sometimes he'd initiated it, to keep Tully interested. If he were going to die, he wanted Tully to take him out, not someone else. Tully's interest would guarantee his protection, Tully wouldn't let him die alone. His mind kept pushing up these thoughts of Stockton. The last time his mouth was used for anyone, for anything. He tried to push them out, erase Tully's deep rumbling moans out of his head, replacing them with her soft feminine gasps and sighs. He dove in, putting himself to a focused work, sucking and licking all of her. His hands squeezing the inside of her thighs, his arms wrapped around them securely. He knew he was going to make her climax, quickly, maybe quicker than she had wanted, but he couldn't draw it out too much longer. He was losing the war inside his mind. 

Her gasps, raspy breath became quicker and more shallow, her thighs trembled. He felt her arch off the couch, his arms the only thing keeping her thighs from crushing his head. "Oh shit... shit... shitshitshitshit... fuck, goddamn! Micheal! Fuck! Fuck!" Her hips rolled against his face, he kept going, letting her ride it out, he felt her pulsing, her muscles twitching. He felt a little bad that her pussy was clenching, needy, probably aching to be filled as she came, empty. 

Another thing, he was unfortunately familiar with. His body had started responding to the Nazi bastard. He'd managed to cum a few times from just his cock inside him, hitting the right spots. A sensation that left him feeling a new kind of dirty all over. He remembered the disappointment he'd felt the few times the Nazi had just rubbed one out for him. His hole responding involuntarily, his muscles clenching, nothing there, making his orgasm less intense. He'd tried to tell himself it was because of who was doing it, but he knew his body has been manipulated, reprogrammed. His body was no longer his and he no longer had control over it. His body was Tully's, whether he wanted it to be or not. 

He tasted her cum, as wave after wave rocked through her body, leaving her shaking. Her breathing still hard as she fought to catch her breath. Little jolts going through her body caused her legs to twitch as he licked her gently, swiping it all up. Letting his tongue occasionally flick across her sensitive clit, teasing her for fun, to hear her squeaks and giggles. An activity he'd enjoyed before, yet felt foreign to him now. He loved every second of this encounter, the fire in his stomach told him that, but his body had learned to shut down. He'd learned to stop responding, earning him his death. Well his fake death anyway, apparently the Nazi grew tired of fucking him when he was just complacent, but not tired enough of him to have just let him die. 

She pulled him up, her body felt like electrified jello, but her flimsy tugging was successful. He followed her tugs, letting their lips meet, kissing again, tasting herself on his lips. "You're good at that." She grinned against his lips, moving her hands again to his jeans. This time he jumped back as if he'd touched fire.  
"I-um, Amber..." he sighed, when she noticed his lack of erection.   
"Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" She now had a confused saddened look where her satisfied, lazy smile had just been. 

"No. I'm sorry, I just... I haven't been able to, um. It's not functioning since being locked up." The short answer he prayed she'd accept. 

"Oh." She whispered, understanding way more than she wanted too. So many new things fell into place for her.   
"It's not your fault, you know that right?" He didn't respond, just laid his head back on her soft belly. Trying really fucking hard not to cry, or think about Tully's fingers in his hair. "I mean, I know it's not something people talk about, or that you will ever probably want to address. That's fine. I don't expect you too. I just want you to know, it's not your fault. It can get better." She took a breath, steadying herself. Her body was still shaking from her orgasm, and her emotions were all over the place. This new information was not helping her keep herself together. 

"If it helps boost your ego at all, that was literally the best head I've ever gotten." She nudged him, laughing, relaxing when he laughed too. 

"You don't have to fluff my ego, I know I'm good at that." He grinned, coming back to himself a little. 

"Roll off of me, I've got to pee now! And shower again." He huffed dramatically but rolled off of her. He was glad she hadn't pressed him for answers, or ridicule him for his lack of boner. He was really worried she was going to regret this entire encounter come morning, when she would probably still leave him behind. He couldn't expect her to stay just because he made her cum. He was still an asshole. That's all he knew how to be, either literally or figuratively. 

She stretched beside the couch, looking at him, he lay out on the cushions, eyes closed, arm draped over his face. "You still want me to leave in the morning? We cool?" She was hesitating but she needed to know. 

"I never wanted you to leave. I just don't want you to get hurt in my mess." He never moved his arm or looked at her. Still she accepted that he may not be able too, she couldn't imagine what his mind was going through at the moment. After her assault, it had taken her over a year to have sex again, and even then she'd panicked afterwards. Despite her slightly bruised ego for not making him hard, she understood. He needed a moment to collect himself and she needed a shower. 

She left the room, leaving him to his thoughts. His mind was pin balling around, what the fuck had he just done? Where would they stand now? How pissed was Tully going to be when he found out and why the fuck did he feel guilty for it? Why was his life so fucked up he couldn't just enjoy the fact that his face was covered with a hot chicks cum? The old him would be beaming with pride and inflating his ego knowing he'd given her such an amazing orgasm she stumbled on the way to the bathroom. The new him, was proud. He just couldn't get rid of the feeling this was a very bad idea.


	31. 31

"Just fucking kill me Papi." Juice sat up in the bed, sweating, hands clutching his neck as he tried to catch his breath. It was a dream, all a dream. Tully wasn't here, he wasn't hurting him, raping him or in his sick way, protecting him. He was in his own new bed, by himself which was new, Amber had been sleeping next to him. He only had one bed, he was a gentleman after all.

 

He turned the light on to the bathroom, glaring at the brightness of the light. He tried to focus his eyes in the mirror, his face looked pale, his eyes were sad. The memories of the evening played in his mind, he couldn't believe what had happened.

 

Guilt crept over him, the dirty feeling he'd gotten when Tully touched him left a film over his skin. He'd been dreaming about the Nazi prick, he was reading to him, cum leaking out, his pants sticky from his own orgasm he hadn't wanted. He hadn't had those dreams in a while, they'd stopped at some point inside, when he stopped feeling. It was like the bastard was linked to his brain, knowing he tried to have sex with someone else he just invaded his head. His personal fun reminder that he belonged to the Nazi, no one else, not even himself.

 

He crashed to the floor, heaving into the toilet just in time as the contents of his stomach flooded the bowl. His head rested on the rim, he tried to regulate his breathing before he spun into a full blown panic. Hatred boiled inside himself, in this moment of disgust, and despair he wished the Nazi was there. He wanted him to pet his head, comfort him in some fucked up way no one else ever did. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he get the stupid bastard out of his head?

 

The tears started flowing freely now, he didn't even try to be quiet or calm. He hadn't cried it out in so long, it felt like the weight of his anxiety was a crushing him to death. Every tear that escaped was a boulder rolling off of his chest.

 

A soft knock on the door frame got his attention, he swiped a hand over his face quickly.

 

"You right Micheal?" Amber asked quietly. He stood up from the floor quickly, flushing his vomit. He felt wobbly so he stood back in front of the sink, resting his hands on the side.

 

"Yeah." He sniffled, splashing water on his face.

"Got sick to my stomach. Nightmares." He tried to sound casual.

 

"Yeah, I heard you screaming. Did you really want _him_ to kill you?" She crossed the small space and sat down on the side of the tub.

 

He turned so he could lean against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. "Yeah. Sometimes. It's fucked up."

 

"You also cried for him, _Papi_?" She said the word like it was a question. Unsure if she were allowed to say it or not, scared she was treading where she shouldn't. "To come save you. To help you. To kill them."

 

His face turned red, he knew he'd dreamed many times about the " _tune up_ " and crying for Tully. He wasn't even sure if that had actually happened or if it only happened in his dreams. "It's fucked up. I actually had pride in the fact that he'd kill them for hurting me." He shook his head, before sighing in defeat.

 

"Who hurt you so badly? There's so many things I don't know. I know you don't want to talk about them." Her voice sounded pained, laced with a deep concern.

 

He turned to leave the bathroom, looking back at her. "Want to sleep in the bed with me? I've gotten used to your body heat." Changing the subject, he didn't want to talk about it. She took the hint, nodding before she met him in the door way.

 

"Alright. That couch we got is uncomfortable."

 

Snuggled together in bed, more like lovers than friends Juice couldn't remember the last time he felt this comfortable with anyone. She was a nice person, too good for him, but selfishly he didn't want to let her go. She was snuggled warmly against him, his arm draped over her. There was a long moment of silence, he'd actually thought she'd fallen asleep. He let himself begin to drift a little.

 

She intertwined their fingers, kissing his knuckles. He hummed in response, it was casual, sweet. Something he hadn't been offered in a long time, he nestled his nose into her neck a little more.

 

"Micheal?" She whispered into the darkness.

 

"Hmmm?" He squeezed her a little hoping she'd go to sleep.

 

"Who's Chibs?" She hesitated when asking. Was he someone who'd hurt him?

 

He stiffened behind her, fighting the urge to pull away. "Why?" He sucked in a deep breath.

 

"You keep whispering that you're sorry to him." _I'm sorry Chibs. I never meant to hurt the club._ As he'd been drifting he could see the hurt on the mans face, sitting across from him at the diner. The coldness he'd showed him, telling him to eat his gun was a cover for his pain. Juice knew that, he knew the Scot better than anyone, he'd hurt him. So many nights when he lay in his bunk, cradled by his rapist he'd pretend it was Chibs.

 

He'd never been sexually attracted to Chibs, this wasn't that. He loved Chibs, he was his only friend, he'd hurt the man so much. In the darkness of Stockton he could pretend Chibs was there. Holding him. Something that wouldn't happen on the outside but the Scot was never stingy nor shy with affections. It was easy to pretend he still had him, like he was waiting for him. Now he was potentially looking for him and Juice wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

 

They say time heals wounds but untreated ones just fester and turn into gangrene. A disease that needs to be cut out, gotten rid of in the harshest way possible. Chibs couldn't save him, because he wouldn't. No amount of apologies would fix that.

 

"He's just an old friend. I hurt him, I let him down" he pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck, cringing because the gesture reminded him of Tully. He'd stroke his arm and kiss his neck and shoulders. Effectively soothing him, even though he wanted to kill him. Wanted Tully to kill him more. He needed to see the bastard and soon enough he would.

 

"Can we sleep now Amber? I'm exhausted." She nodded, yawning.

 

He silently prayed he wouldn't dream about anyone, especially Tully. In the same prayer he hoped to hear from the asshole, or someone connected to him sooner than later.


	32. 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly life is coming together, or is it unraveling?

The days had crept by, they'd managed to keep themselves busy exploring the town. Micheal had collected a few job applications, he'd have to do something, even if it was just for spending money. Till he figured out life he'd have to keep living on Tully's dime.

The past week had been chaos, emotional ups and downs. Amber would be leaving to go back to Florida, getting herself settled for the new semester. He hated for her to go, he'd be alone again. Truthfully he knew it was for the best.

A part of this new life, this stolen life would be done alone. A prison of its own, just biding his time until someone found him. Before he could accept this he needed closure. Not from Amber, not from the Sons. From Tully. He needed to get his meeting over with. 

He'd planned for a week, what he would do or say. Though now the moment was here, still no word from the man or any one, he was more worried.   
He was worried about rejection and that made him sick. Why would he care? Shouldn't he want to be rejected by this man? But he didn't. Out of everyone who's wronged him in his life Tully was the most honest. The most fucked to sure but he was honest. He was reliable in a sort of predictable way, except for when he wasn't. Like right now. That was killing Juice. 

"You ready Micheal? Are you sure you want to go alone?" She rubbed his back. He pulled his ball cap on and zipped his hoodie. 

"I have too Amber. It's not safe for you to go. I don't know what's going to happen. He may not even be there." 

She kissed his cheek. "I'll be here when you get back. For whatever happens." 

 

He pulled up to the gate of Macon Prison. It was a long drive but it went by much faster than he thought it would. What if Tully turned down the visit? Everything was in that mans terms. Juice calling the shots was never an option. 

The buzzing of the cold metal gate clanked closed behind him as a guard whisked him to a hall of meeting rooms. He was a little confused, he had put his name on the list, general visit. He hadn't expected to be alone. His heart started to pound, he was both nervous and relaxed. If they were alone no one would see whatever happens. 

The guard who's greeted him stayed behind at the last door, another guard taking over. No words exchanged between the black officer and the new white one. Juice took one look at the man and knew he was on Tully's take, and if he wasn't he was a part of the AB. Which meant he doled our favors for a cost. 

"Sit here spic. Daddy's gone be here soon." The guard smiled predatorily, more so than even Tully could manage. Juice sat, trying to ignore the deja vu rushing through his veins.

"Hey baby. See you found me." Juice looked up, seeing Tully standing in the doorway almost casually. He'd been so lost in his panicky thoughts he hadn't even heard the man come in. Juice gasped when he saw him. A sudden rush of conflicting emotions ran through him, making him freeze up. 

Tully's face was purple and swollen in some places, lip busted, bruises down his neck, feathering out beneath his orange jumper. Juice could tell by the yellowing it was healing but it had been a bad beating. The man had a slight limp where he used to swagger, as he approached Juice. 

Juice didn't mean it, is body like so many times before betrayed him. He responded on impulse, jumping up from the chair and quickly meeting Tully halfway. His arms slung tightly around his neck in... maybe... concern? Happiness? He wasn't sure, but the embrace felt nice. Another thing that made him want to vomit. 

Maybe on of his little playthings had enough? Who could beat up this man and get away with it?

"What happened to you Papi?" The words left his mouth before he could stop them. 

"Package got a little shook up in transit baby. That's all." He smiled a toothy grin. "What brings you here? This was a surprise. You know how I feel about surprises." 

Juice blushed, he didn't know why. He did know how the man felt, which is why he'd been so nervous.  
"Hadn't heard from you, got worried."

He couldn't tell if the smile Tully wore now was genuine or just a ploy to make him drop his guard.   
"How did you swing this baby? You know I actually got worried I was about to meet my maker. They told me you were here, I figured it was a joke." 

Juice just shrugged. Tully accepted it, he knew he couldn't tell him.

"That why were in here?" Juice raised a brow. 

"Yeah, I wanted to see you myself and not be bothered if you were really here." Tully flicked off his ball cap, and pulled him into another hug. He nuzzled the top of his head where his tattoos once were visible, breathing deeply he tried to memorize the smell. Juice was overwhelmed with it all. Tully's reaction, the state he was in, both physically and literally. This was too much to process and his mind was already getting exhausted.

"No mics or cameras. Do you know what could happened if they see your face? Sit boy. I've missed you too much to even be mad and I'm sure you've got a million questions bouncing around inside that big ole head of yours." Tully pulled out a smoke and lit it, offering one to Juice. For a brief moment they just sat across from one another and stared. Each waiting for the other to start.


	33. 33

The silence ticked by, Juices mind was spinning. Why did he even come here? What was this supposed to do? He felt calm, yet not. Tully's eyes were burning through him, the mans gaze unreadable.

 

Tully moved slowly at the table, placing his hands in front of him, lacing his fingers. Juice wasn't sure if this was to assure him he wasn't going to hurt him or to make him look authoritarian. Either way it worked. His head cocked to the side as if he were turning over his thoughts in confusion. He takes a deep breath and as if something clicked he blinks and smiles.

 

"I know I'm pretty baby. You gonna talk to me or just stare at me?" Tully tried to make the room less tense, get the boy to smile at least. It didn't work, Juice looked shocked instead.

 

"Right. Sorry." He mimicked Tully's movement, putting his hands in front of him.

"You just uh- vanished, with everything going on I got worried." Not about Tully exactly but he didn't have to say that.

 

Tully's face softened, others wouldn't notice but Juice did. Juice could unfortunately play this man like he could hack. Tully didn't respond though, waiting for the man to continue.

 

Juice breathed deeply. "Um. I got accepted into school. Can't remember if I told you that or not."

 

"How are you doing? You secure a place to live?"

 

Juice looked confused. He was using this mans money how did he not know?

 

"Yeah. Thanks by the way. I applied for jobs also. You won't have to take care of me for much longer." Juice smiles awkwardly trying to play it off. Tully sat back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head, legs open wide.

 

"I don't do anything, I don't want to baby. I told you I wanted to help. Papi's gonna take care of his boy."

 

A small flair of anger hit Juice. "But why! What is wrong with you?" He didn't yell but he sounded disgusted. Tully only laughed.

 

"I don't get to do many things to feel good about. Don't make me question how it makes me feel." He raised a brow. "I believe I told you, you were free to go. Yet here you are. So you tell me baby. Why?" Tully's voice maintained that smooth calm drawl that somehow soothed Juice even though it pissed him off. He wished he could have a fraction of control of himself this barbaric man displayed.

 

"I just... I'll never be able to pay you back. Not with a legit job. Money aside, you confuse me. You're supposed to hate me because of my skin. I'm a rat. You were supposed to kill me. You didn't do your job." He hated himself for the tears that were burning his eyes. Tully remained unmoved.

 

"I'm so confused man. The club knows I'm alive. You... I was just ass man. Why am I here? Why can't I... why can't I get my shit together? Who are you?" He was rambling, Tully let him. Despite his ability to not give a shit he could tell Juice needed to get it out.

 

Tully was by far no angel but he had some decency. He wasnt getting any younger, someone would kill him off eventually and take his place. That's how you get rank in here. He didn't know what compelled him to help Juice of all people, there were many more deserving idiots in here. It was a good fuck you to the establishment, to the people he'd dedicated his life too, given his freedom too. For what? A decent salary that was his regardless? For brothers who'd turn their back on him in a second given the order from a higher up? He was no different than Juice, except for the seat he had. For some reason, at fifty years old, that mattered.

 

"I think you need to see a therapist boy. Just my honest opinion. I like seeing your face but I don't like it when you cry. I don't have answers for you." He took a deep sigh, thinking on what to say next.

"It never leaves this room, you hear?"

Juice nodded, wiping his wide eyes.

"I'm getting tired boy, I need to do one decent thing. I've fucked up my life, my kids life, spent it all on shit that doesn't even matter. You, you're no body, you're dead. Who you gonna tell? As long as you need me, I'll do what I need too to right that wrong."

 

Juice was floored. Tully however as if he'd not just dropped a bomb revelation, composes himself and readjusts his posture, resting on his elbows now.

 

"What about the club?"

 

"Q-tip wasn't happy about you. That sheep shagger knows you're alive. He doesn't care so long as he don't see you. Apparently I paid for your sins. Your regular everyday Jesus."

 

"Quinn?"Juice did laugh at his name, Tully had a way with words for sure. "That what happened to your face?"

 

Tully nodded. "Q-tip needed his peace. I let him have it. Got me down in the shower, I didn't fight back. Deserved it for letting you go. Scotty says we're even. The rest of club doesn't even know who you are, everyone else is either dead or patched out. You're my responsibility now. I'm supposed to keep you from doing anything stupid enough to land back in Samcro territory."

 

Juice couldn't stomach it really. Chibs was letting him go? Because he was fucked a few times in prison? It didn't make sense, but for now he'd accept it.

"Oh that Mayan you tried to by passage from, hes with Galindo now. Took over a lot of the H-trade. I think they are still transitioning the guns. You're clear with the Mayans now, but don't go getting in a bike."

 

"Wait, why are telling me about business? The Mayans?"

 

Juice was confused and tired. This was more than he bargained for.

"Well Samcro let you go. The Mayans were your next offense. They were going to vote on tracking you. I can't have that. You being found endangers me, my guys, your girl. I'm done with the blood kid."

 

Juice started crying again, but he held himself together. "The H-trade? You bought me with the H-trade?" He said it as if it were a statement.

 

"I have plenty other businesses. You get yourself a decent life going. Don't worry about Papi, you got a second chance."

 

He sounded so final. Juice couldn't understand what was happening. Obviously Tully had moved for his own safety, giving up the trade would ensure someone higher up would have his head. Unless they couldn't find him but he wouldn't be a secret here for long.

 

"I'll call you when I get a burner. Don't come back here baby. You hear me?" Tully stood, pulling Juice up into a tight embrace. Juice had so many other questions, what was happening?Was he really free? Was he really okay? Was Tully going to die? Why did he even care?

 

"One more thing baby."

 

Juices face was smashed between them he couldn't speak really. "Hmmmm?" He murmured against his chest.

 

"Stop shopping at the thrift store. I have an image to maintain. You're better than that. You'd better pass your classes also. Don't waste this life." He kissed his forehead, and let him go. Walking over to the door he banged to be let out, not even glancing back.

 

Juice sank to the floor when the man left. His body started to shake as the tears took over. He was so confused about what just happened.


	34. 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't want to dig to deep into what this means just yet.

The ride home consisted of every possible emotion within the human spectrum. He was confused about everything. His entire identity was taken and the only shred of self he had left just... gave him up? He couldn't stop thinking about what he had done to make the monster not want him anymore. Was he even serious? By the time he got back to his apartment he was so conflicted he couldn't even think straight.

 

Amber sat on the couch watching some movie, not even acknowledging him coming in. He walked past her to the bathroom. He turned the shower on stewing over everything that happened, raging about how she didn't even greet him. Did she not care either? Of course not, she was leaving too.

 

He wrapped a towel around his waist, hair still dripping wet, body dripping onto the floor. His mind was racing, he felt wired, like on a high.

 

His hand wrapped around her neck, cupping her chin and pulling her head gently back, startling her.

"Micheal! What are you..." his mouth cut her off, as his lips attacked hers. Their mouths fought for control for a moment but she melted into the sensation.

 

Her arms wrapped behind her pulling his neck down to her, slowly urging him over the couch. He slid down the side of the couch plopping awkwardly on top of her. His mouth never left her, he refused to stop and think. In his overflow of emotions his body seemed to respond, something that he may have to think about later but for now he was just going with it.

 

He wasn't sure when or how but his brain caught up with what was happening and she was now completely naked pressed against him. Both of their bodies were trembling but for different reasons.

His hands found her hips, smoothing over them before clutching her tightly. Their breathing was in sync, gasping between kisses. The softness of her breast was familiar yet new, his mind started comparing.

 

Tully's body was soft in some places but not like hers. His had gone soft with age, lack of need to maintain firmness. Constantly covered and protected he rarely had to fight his own battles. His muscles were still firm, his lips against Juices skin always seemed to sear where they touched. He tried to shake the memories, he refused to let him ruin this moment for him. He'd given him away, honored his freedom whatever that meant.

 

Tully was a mind fuck but somehow this encounter felt genuine. The man was almost disappointed, no disheartened at letting him go. As if Juice meant something to him, he knew better though. He was just a pawn, something for the man to control. Juice drew his focus to her breast, trying to maintain the moment. The hard numb between his teeth was sensitive gaining a loud response sending a jolt right down to his cock.

 

Her legs wrapped around his waist, the towel between them long since gone, he felt the smooth cleft of her heat against him. He'd been on the receiving end for so long he almost forgot what to do. He couldn't just brace himself and wait for the impending splitting of his body. He moved himself back less than an inch, giving some space so his cock wasn't touching her folds.

 

Her body rutted against him, arms pulling him closer, encouraging him to enter her. His mind was bouncing around with all the reasons this was a bad idea and all the reasons he deserved this. His body was responding, that in itself was amazing, so far he hadn't gone limp. The sensation was almost foreign to him.

 

His movements increased, hips snapping against her harder. Her body arched against him, her hips grinding where their bodies met, giving herself friction. The burning in his gut was getting to be too much, everything would be over sooner than he wanted, at the same time it was a relief.

 

He wasn't even sure if she'd came at all, his own orgasm ripped through him before he could stall it. Blinding white light behind his eyes, a sharp pain in his gut -he was sure was just in his head- tore through him. He bit down on his lip to keep himself from shouting out a name, any name, he didn't know what would come from his mouth, he'd die if he said his.

 

He rolled himself off of her, letting his body fall to the floor. His arm flopped over his face as he tried to breathe. She propped herself up on one elbow, looking down at him with a devious grin.

 

"Well Micheal, I have a feeling, once you get back to it, you'll be very good at this." She was teasing but hoped she didn't hurt his feelings. Thankfully he laughed.

 

"I'm literally trying not to think about it. I don't want to regret it Amber." It came out as a mumble, he really hoped he hadn't just offended her.

 

She stroked her cheek sweetly. "I understand Micheal. I really do. I don't know what got into you but I didn't hate it. I think maybe it's progress?"

 

He laughed a little, knowing that was a mediocre performance at best. However like she said it was progress, whatever caused it may take it back but for now he was glad for it.

 

She stood and pulled her clothes back on, leaning over to grab his keys. "Where ya going?" He mumbled into his arm again.

 

"Pharmacy. Can never be too safe."

 

It took him a moment to understand what she meant, Plan B, no babies. He curled up into a roll on the floor and tried to keep his thoughts at bay.


	35. 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many unanswered questions coming up. Be patient, things will come together.

Juice woke up in the same position on the floor, the sun was up and his body hurt all over. He sat up slowly, towel barely draped over his body. He felt disoriented, thinking about the day before. A part of him didn't believe what happened, but the heaviness in his chest confirmed that the day indeed took place.

 

He tried not think to much about it, how his body had responded. It was more a response to extreme emotional duress. He felt dirty and guilty, as if he'd taken advantage of Amber. Deep down he knew he hadn't, but he couldn't shake the feeling. Tully wasn't there, he'd let him go, but he was still responsible for this. Everything in his life was touched by that monster. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.

 

He stood up to stretch, a weird tension hanging in the air around him. He picked up his phone to check the time, a message from Amber. He didn't open it before looking around, the apartment was more quiet than it usually would have been, adding to the weight in his chest.

 

Micheal, I love you. You're my best friend. I'm sorry for going this way. I knew if I didn't sneak away I'd never make it back to Florida. I'd never be able to leave you. Please don't be mad at me. I'll call you when I get there. I took a bus, not your car.

 

He was stunned, he couldn't believe she was gone. Just like that gone. Again the emotions ravaged his body, he felt them all. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to go after her but he didn't know when she'd left.

 

After an hour of screaming and crying he felt numb. Completely numb. Tully wouldn't take away the only person that loved him without having too. He came up with a plan, hacking the prison system again. He was on the outside, things were about to change.

 

*****************

 

His heart beat in his chest louder than the buzzing of the gate. He'd been told not to come back, but he was never good at following rules. The guard walked him down to the closed room and closed the door behind him. He sat uncomfortable in his suit pants and jacket.

 

Tully had been specific about not shopping at the thrift store, he'd gone the day before to a shopping center finding a suit tailor. He'd gone all out, purchased the kind of suit he would have only dreamed of in a previous life. A dark charcoal grey, tailored three piece, that actually felt wonderful despite being uncomfortable just because it was a suit.

 

The door opening pulled him from his thoughts. For once he had the upper hand, taking the man off guard. The look of surprise was quickly replaced with a subtle cheeky grin no one else but Juice would have noticed. They removed the cuffs and Tully sat down across from him.

 

"You're shit at listening are you boy?"

 

Juice couldn't let him get to him, not this time.

 

"Yeah well. Obviously you are too." He gestured at the room. "No mics, no cameras. This is officially a legal meeting. The only way I knew you couldn't refuse my visit."

 

He couldn't tell if the look on Tully's face was surprise or just impressed. He didn't give him time to speak.

 

"Took a play from your book." He slid a phone across the table to him. Now Tully did look confused. "That's for you, my number is already programmed. It's new and shit, can do all that fancy stuff you'll never figure out cause I'm out here. Should keep you busy, keep it with you. Don't let other fuckers use it. I will turn it off. That aside, I expect updates, I need to know what's going on in here. I'll never be free, especially if I don't know what's going on. Don't try to play that game."

 

Tully picked up the phone, looking at it, turning it over in his hands. "You calling the shots now?" He raised a brow, but he was grinning. "Hmm, I've never been on this side." He winked at Juice. "I kinda like it when you're being bossy baby."

 

Juice couldn't help it, he laughed. The comment hadn't disgusted him like was probably expected but it amused him.

 

"Suit looks good on you." Juice was pleased, he felt like an idiot in the stupid thing. A knock on the door silenced them. 

 

"I made some arrangements. Hope it works for you." Someone from the front came in with take out from McDonalds. Tully now looked like he was going to faint.

 

"What is all this?" The lady left and Juice finally spoke.

 

"Two cheeseburgers plain, a large fry and a coke." He spoke confidently, something Tully had never actually seen him do.

 

He coughed, cleared his throat and took the bag. "Why?"

 

"It's your favorite and you can't get this shit in here. Which is crazy, considering the shit they feed you."

 

"Boy, you need a hobby." He opened the burgers, breaking them into fourths.

 

"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Right? I hear everything, I see everything. People forget I'm around and they say and do all kinds of things."

 

"Thank you. Really. You didn't have to do this. I told you not too." He took another bite and swallowed. "Back to that suit. That didn't even come from the mall. What's it set me back?"

 

"Had to look the part. I have an image to maintain ya know." This odd comfort he felt being in here where he should be terrified was weird. However his emotions had been through so much in a short period of time, he figured he didn't have any anymore. Nothing is more frightening than someone with nothing to lose, except maybe someone with nothing to lose and no heart. Tully won, he was becoming him. Though he intended to use it to his advantage.

 

"$1200. It's something called St.Laurent or something like that. They tailored this shit. Thought you'd like it." He preened a little, showing it off.

 

"You have good taste kid. Besides feeding me and teasing me with your good looks, what can I do for you this time? Since you obviously failed to take my advice and not come back here."  He sounded annoyed but also pleased.

"I was trying to get used to missing you. Seeing you two days in close succession like this is going to fuck me up. Have to take it out on someone."

 

Juice scoffed. "You gotta cell mate? Surely PC is full of choices." It was meant to be a joke, but the look on Tully's face actually looked hurt.

 

"Nah, ain't had a cell mate since you. I don't like people. And I only visit PC when I'm doing a job. So." He shrugged and sipped his soda.

 

"Well, what if you got out? I mean how much longer you got anyway?" He didn't know why he asked the question, it just popped out.

 

"Um, well... I was serving twenty, I'm twelve in. Up for parole in three. But I don't see how that's relevant. I'll never actually get out of here." He liked the structure, he liked the control. Even if he did get out, it would take no time to be right back inside.

 

"Just saying, you got me out. My times about up." He walked to the door getting ready to leave. "Let me know."


	36. 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated. Thanks for hanging on with me. I'm working on a few chapters, so hopefully a few will be up in the next few days.

Juice had barely made it back to his apartment when his phone buzzed.

 

"He-hello?" He sniffled, not even caring that he was crying to whomever was on the line.

 

Silence.

 

Juice scrubbed his hand down his face trying to pull himself together.

"Hello? Who is this?" His voice still shook but not as much.

"Amber?"

 

No answer still, he could hear faint breaths.

 

"Boy, why are you crying?" The drawl poured out of the phone.

 

"Huh?" Juice was confused, he hadn't expected to hear Tully's voice. Why was he crying?

"I don't know, actually. Hit a breaking point I guess."

 

A hum of agreement. "You need therapy kid."

 

A malicious laugh left Juices lips before he could stop it. "Whose fault is that?"

 

"Well, certainly it's not all mine. Now you left here hastily. I don't want to sit on it."

 

"Did I?" He knew his voice sounded confused, he was confused.

 

"Are you okay? Papi is actually worried about you kid. I don't like to worry."

 

His body shook, all these emotions were pulling him into a million directions.

"I'm fine, just inside out. Ya know? I'm no good on my own."

 

Tully breathed deeply taking in the words.

"Have you thought it all through? What you mentioned?" Tully was skeptical, figured it was spur of the moment.

 

Again that self hating laugh. "Actually this is one thing I did think through. I told you, I'm no good on my own."

 

What the fuck was wrong with him. Amber left him so now he wanted his rapist to what? Come live with him? That's ridiculous. No way that would end badly! What a joke, why would he think that's a good idea?

 

"So what? I get out and what? Come live with you?"

 

The silence confirmed what Tully thought. He might be a monster but he wouldn't jeopardize the kid that way.

 

"That's not possible boy. For so many reasons that's not possible." His voice sounded disappointed, he didn't even try to fix it.

"Look, I'll call you, keep you updated. Probably won't be here long anyway. They're uh, they're gonna move me to PC. We both know what that means. I'm more use to someone there than here." Tully sounded light but Juice caught the tension in his words.

 

"Wait... what? Who can do that?" Juice was incredulous.

 

Tully clicked his tongue. "Guess we'll see."

Juices phone buzzed in his ear, he switched to speaker and opened it.

"You sent me a selfie?" He sounded unamused even though he smiled as he looked at the picture. Tully was in his cell, the block ID visible in the back, along with a few other blurry inmates. Juice figured they must be important or else he wouldn't have gotten them.

 

"Now your turn baby."

 

Juice walked over to the big window, making sure the city was visible behind him. He had a good view, in a decent part of town. He mimicked the unsmiling face of Tully's picture.

 

"Smile boy. Your face is too pretty not too."

Juice huffed, involuntarily thinking the same thing. He took a smiling one, his eyes were still red but his smile was bright as ever.

 

"That one better?"

 

"I was serious about you getting therapy or something. I have to go though, I'll call you soon."

The line disconnected before Juice could respond.

 

He didn't know why, and he hated it but talking to him just now made him feel calmer. He wanted to find Amber, he wanted to call Chibs, talk to someone. Anyone who might understand him.

 

He figured therapy was probably the best choice, he just didn't want to go. He had too much on his plate, school, a new life, finding Amber. He figured the only way he'd ever pay Tully back was going to be to get him out. He figured he'd check that off his list next.


	37. 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a narrative focusing on Tully. He is becoming more active in the story, so I want to start integrating some of his point of view.

Everything was sorted, he'd gotten Juice out of Stockton. Where he'd end up was beyond his control but he knew the kid would let him know something. Tully isn't a good man, he doesnt even try to be, something about Juice, just tugs his heart a little. He couldn't find it in him to honor Jax Teller, he was more of a coward than Juice. 

 

He hadn't expected the kid to keep up with him when he made his escape. Lord knows Tully would have flown the nest quicker than he could land. He wouldn't be himself if he didn't use it to his advantage. Conversation with anyone who has half a brain is far and few in between.

 

He hadn't originally planned on giving the idiot a dime. Not of the weed business, not of his own, none. He had planned to dump him out, and let him go. He hadn't planned on the deranged boy to fucking text him, send him a picture. Even if he was the only person on the planet aware of him, if Tully had been in his position he would have skipped the country.

 

He sat in his cell, holding the burner, waiting for time to pass into nothing. He contemplated texting the fool but decided better of it. Much to his own surprise the phone went off.

 

**Papi? I need to buy something but I don't want to spend too much money.**

 

Tully rolled his eyes, he knew deep down the kid was playing him but he didn't really care. Life was nothing but a game after all. He could all but see him, timid sitting on his bunk, big eyes looking up at him. He'd learned Tully's soft spots quickly, learned to get what he needed. Tully shook the thought, he'd never see that face again.

 

He'd though Juice was a stupid name, the Sons seemed good at coming up with stupid names. Chibs the sheep shagger, Tig, what the fuck did that even mean, and now Q-tip. Sure Tully was the only person calling him that, but still. Apparently these guys were not thrilled at finding out he'd let Juice go, he thought surly they'd kill him.

 

He was in the shower when he felt the tension of the change. He'd felt it many times before, usually in the direction of his own hand. This time however, it was mere seconds before his knees were kicked out from under him.

 

"Well Tully, you thought you'd get away with it? Like we wouldn't notice the lack of dead body." Quinn snipped at him. A blow to the face, Tully grunted. He didn't answer, he didn't fight back. He deserved it, he'd let the rat go.

 

"You ain't gonna fight back?" Quinn yelled getting angry by the lack of expression on the shot callers face. He maintained a complacent expression, managing to look almost bored with the situation.

 

Finally, when Quinn had tired himself out, Tully was a bloody heap on the floor, the man plopped down beside him. Tully pulled himself up, leaning back against the wall of the shower.

 

"You feel better now?" He asked, keeping the pain from his voice.

 

"Yeah, I do."

 

"He won't be no trouble. Got him put away for safe keeping. Want him for myself." He summoned the sleaziest parts of himself for this transaction.

 

"Chibs says we can accept him living. Idiots your problem now, don't want to see em. You got some shit to handle with the Mayans though. They have beef with the rat."

 

Tully hummed in agreement. Quinn pulled himself up from the floor, extending a hand to Tully. "We're good. Hope it stays that way."

 

Tully shook the hand, able to read between the lines. No retaliation from his men for this beat down, no contact from Juice.

 

His head felt like it was splitting open, his eyes were swelling quickly and he was certain he had some broken ribs. He was definitely getting to old for this shit.

 

He had to check on Juice, he had to make this right.

 

Handling shit with the Mayans was easier, they were getting a good deal with taking half the inside H trade. That was a relief, handling business from the infirmary was beneath him, but he had to make due.

 

He managed to secure his transfer, saying all the right things to the warden. Playing the victim really well, being a high profile gang member who feared for his life, they try to keep him alive. He brought a lot of under the table over time pay to the guards. Something the warden turned a blind eye too long as Tully kept the prison in order.  Now that he'd been seemingly attacked they warden had no choice but to move him, keep the income flowing, and the ranks progressive.

 

What Tully hadn't planned on was seeing Juice sitting in that room. For once he didn't have the upper hand, and he wasn't really sure how he felt about it. The idiot rat hugging him, almost threw him off his feet. The world was fucking upside down and Tully was struggling to make it right again. He had to put trust into a rat, an outcast, that he wouldn't fuck things up. Juice had apparently found some backbone and wasn't taking directions anymore. Least not from Tully.


	38. 38

If there was one thing Tully knew, nothing was more dangerous than a man who had nothing to lose. Ortiz was that man. Everything, everything was taken from him, including his dignity. Tully had watched him, the fragile mess of what was basically a kid slowly becoming stronger. Even if he himself didn't notice it.

 

Juice was quiet, observant, often forgotten. He had been watching and learning Tully's ways, his mannerisms, the way he thought, apparently what he liked. Whether or not he realized it he was becoming well versed in manipulation.

 

One thing boggled Tully's mind the most was that Juice had given himself ample opportunity to kill him. Yet he's chosen not too. If Tully were in his position, with his skills and knowledge he'd take everything he owned, and then off him. Not knowing what Juice was capable of, or what he had planned made him uneasy. A feeling he didn't much enjoy.

 

He couldn't even wrap his head around how Juice had gotten food into the place. Let alone how or why he remembered what his favorite junk was. Hell it had been so long since he'd eaten anything that wasn't from the prison he couldn't remember what it was like. He managed to keep composure even though he was sure the boy -who wasn't as weak as he thought he was- noticed.

 

His heart had never beat so fast, a flood of emotions ran through him. Shame, rage, hurt, all of them and none of them simultaneously. He felt like he was going to combust, sitting there when Juice got ready to leave.

 

Yes, got ready too. The idiot could think and do for himself. He came and went on his own terms now. This display was proof of that. "Let me know." Juice had turned to him smiling his bright smile, eyes wide and almost sincere.

 

Yet those words rang through Tully's mind, causing him to feel sick. That was the last thing he'd said to Jax Teller in the room that day. The look on Juices face that day, wasn't fear, no, he was beyond fear, but it was almost the look of someone who'd already died. Complacent, accepting, he knew that he'd die, and dealing with Tully just part of the journey to get there.

 

If Tully had known then that they were going to do what they did to Juice, hell if he'd known half the kids story, he would have never... he could have taken him, molded him, made him his own foot soldier. So what if he was a spic? A soldier is a soldier, they will follow the command. A spic on the brotherhoods side, he could have been a great spy.

 

Of course Tully would have then been no better than the Sons. Using the idiot to his own advantage, but even still, knowing he'd be getting the spic killed, he still wouldn't have sentenced him to be raped, beaten, and killed. Rape. A word Tully didn't like, it was simply a job. Putting a punk in his place, letting him know who was in charge. Rape was for the degenerates, the morally void, the animals in the prison who apparently knew no better. However in his heart he knew that's what it was. He was no better, he was basically a prostitute on the giving end.

 

Hearing those words leave that mouth, told him so many things about Juice. He didn't kill him when he should have, not literally. He couldn't have killed Juice anyway, he was dead when he got there. What he did do however, was give him a rebirth. The man that stood in front of him was a new man. A dangerous man with a big heart. Despite it all Tully could tell that hadn't changed. Juice cared too much, he still cared too much. He could be ruthless if he needed too, but he could hurt someone more by not caring anymore. Leaving them to sit with their own sins...

 

The thought of Juice holding the to key to Tully's potential freedom was making him anxious. Tully wasn't good at actually looking at himself, he's never had too. This kid was dancing all over him, dangling his power in his face. Juice wasn't sloppy, he'd never get caught, he could pull this off. What actually scared Tully, yes scared him, was that Juice was so meticulous, he could get him out, and do God only knows what with him. No one would ever know, or find him. Worse of all even still, this kid could break his heart. A heart he didn't even know he had anymore, Juice had complete control.

 

Tully would have to change things... and fast.


	39. 39

Weeks had passed in a haze, Juice hadn't heard from Amber, he hadn't been back to the prison. He was shut off, actually alone except for the occasional text from Tully. Why was it that every time he was alone Tully was the one that was still there? It didn't help his confusion.

He sat at his counter spooning cereal around in the bowl absently. He knew he was loosing weight again. He didn't have an appetite and he craved benzos, uppers, downers, he didn't care. He wanted to get high. He was sober, had promised to stay sober, but what did a promise to that monster matter?

 

Today was his first day of class, he was a regular guy. What a joke, he'd never be regular. Everyone would see right through him, know how worthless he really was. Amber didn't think he was worthless, but she fucked him and ran. Whatever, he didn't need her. He'd be fine. He peeled himself away, dumping the cereal into the trash bowl and all.

 

His hair was thick now, covering his head evenly, he shaved his stubble which added to his boyish look.

 

 **First day of class!** He sent a selfie to Tully, and just for the sake of hope he sent it to Amber also. Stuffing his phone into his pocket he raced down the stairs if his apartment building booking it to his car.

 

Finding his classroom was not easy, the campus was much larger than he thought it was. He was already a nervous wreck, anticipating all this "new." Being a student again, meeting people, hoping they liked him, pretending to not be garbage.

 

He wore simple jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. He figured that was typical enough he could pass as a regular student. He looked around and the people coming and going around the campus, they seemed to vary in age. He needed to blend in but find a group, there seemed to be many groups. A smoke would be good right now, but smoking was a dirty habit, one Tully had said he wouldn't fund.

 

Finding the room, he decided to take a seat furthest from the front as he could get. Trying not to be noticed by anyone walking in, he scrolled through his phone. He thought about the social medial sites, but thought better of it. He'd surely be found on one of those. Buzzz

**Looking good. Let me know how it goes.**

Of course Tully replied, he had nothing else to do.

 

**I will. I'm nervous.**

He knew he should be paying attention, the class would start any minute now. He didn't want too though. Somehow talking to Tully helped him feel normal, at least he had someone to text.

 

**Don't be nervous. When is your class?**

 

Juice scoffed, how could he not be nervous? He had to remember so many things. Remember his name, remember not to be a freak. Remember he's not like everyone else and is also older than them even though he looks the same age.

 

**Here now. Waiting for it to start. There's so many people in here.**

 

He sat his phone down when the professor came in. He decided he needed to hack a school and forge some transcripts. Skip all this horseshit core classes, he just wanted to get to the tech stuff.

 

**Pay attention! I'll wait for you to let me know how it goes. You got this baby.**

 

**Micheal! Good luck.**

 

He about fell out of his chair when Ambers message came through. Before he could reply a few more buzzed in.

**Im so sorry. Please don't hate me.**

 

**Call me when you get out of class.**

 

He read the messages over and over, ignoring whatever the teacher was talking about. The hour went by much faster than expected, he was glad for it though. He bolted from the room as soon as they were dismissed.

 

He paced the courtyard as his phone rang, his heart raced as if it were going to explode.

 _Hello_? Her voice came through the phone.

 

 _Amber? I'm so glad you answered._ He sighed with relief, he was still shaking.

 

 _How are you Micheal?_ Her voice shook, he could tell she was uncomfortable.

 

_I'm fine. What happened Amber? He kicked at a rock on the ground. I haven't heard from you in over a month, you just ran out. I've been worried._

 

He could tell she was crying by the way she spoke. _I'm okay Micheal. I just wanted to hear your voice. I'm so sorry._

 

He could hear another voice in the background, he tried not to think to much of it. If she were home there would be other people. Right?

_Call me later? I've got to get to my next class._

 

She inhaled, making a muffled grunting noise. _Okay, I'll try._

 

_Amber? Are you okay! What's going on? Amber?_

The line went dead.


	40. 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice is trying to devise a new plan. He's also trying to be a normal person.

Juice tried not to panic, but something was very wrong. Someone had Amber, but who? Why? He had no real enemies anymore, no club connections, no one that really wanted to hurt him. He definitely had nothing to offer anyone. The only people he had contact with were Amber and Tully.

 

It felt like ice had settled in the pit of Juices stomach. Tully was a jealous man, known for keeping his possessions. Had their last meeting, the one Tully had been so... kind... at, been a ploy. Did he have Amber?

 

Juice had to make himself think like a normal person might. He didn't have connections or help, his class was about to start. There wasn't much he could do right now. He sighed feeling defeated, and trudged himself back to his next class.

 

 **This class is sooooo boring papi.** He took a sneaky selfie, making a silly grimacing face. He sent the message, hoping it was well received. He didn't want to Tully to know he suspected him of taking Amber.

 

**_Boy stop wasting my money and pay attention._ **

 

**Are you using the new phone I brought you?**

 

**_Yes. Well I'm trying. What is this shit? You're going to have to show me how to use it._ **

 

**You told me not to come back. Now you need my help? Old ass mother fucker.**

 

**_Not my fault you don't listen. What is a FaceTime?_ **

 

**Can you get away tonight? I'll show you. Ohh crap, the lady is talking about something important. Ttyl.**

 

**_Of course I can, I run this show. If she's talking you need to pay attention. I'll help you study. I don't know what that means kid._ **

 

Juice rolled his eyes and sat his phone down. Even now he wanted to hate Tully, he suspected him of kidnapping his only friend. Yet every time they communicate the familiarity of it makes him comfortable. It's almost as if not seeing him makes it easier to pretend he likes him.

 

What the hell was he going to do during FaceTime? Maybe this was a mistake, originally it had been so that he could see Tully's facial reactions to various things. The shot caller could hide behind his voice through the phone, but Juice had learned to read the slightest twitches in his facial muscles. Now he worried, what had he given him. Every selfie was a risk, but also porn for the monster. Yet he sent them freely, knowingly flirting with the devil to keep him on his side.

 

Had he done this? Had he made him take Amber, to keep him conditioned to need him? Did he somehow subconsciously tell Tully this is what he wanted?

 

"Miguel? Did you get a sheet?" Juice was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed the professor was talking to him. He'd also forgotten his name. "Hmm? I'm sorry." He smiled awkwardly.

"Micheal. I um, I prefer Micheal to Miguel. No ma'am I didn't get a sheet." She came back over with a new stack for them to continue taking one and passing them.

"If you have time, can you stay after the class?" She raised a brow at him, making it obvious that it wasn't a suggestion. He groaned internally, of course he would manage to be noticed and get into trouble on his first day. At least there is no detention in college, right?

"Yes ma'am." He smiled at her flashing his bright teeth.

 

Got detention. Go me! He knew Tully would probably have some smart ass response,  but playing with the monster was fun. He needed to make friends.

 

**_Boy. It's the first day, what the hell did you do?_ **

 

**Was day dreaming. Now I'm texting you.**

 

Tully didn't respond to that one, either he was being an ass or if he couldn't respond. Juice sat the phone down and tried to pay attention to what was left of the class.

 

His mind kept going back to Amber, he couldn't focus on public speaking. Where was she? Why had she left? Where did she go? She left a note so she'd left on purpose. Did she mean to be gone so long? Why was she crying? She was his only friend, he needed to help her. He had to find a way to see if Tully was involved or to sway the man to help him find her.

 

His plans were changing, he figured he'd be paying a visit to the jail sooner than he wanted to.


	41. 41

Juice bought the room like he always did, but still sitting there waiting for Tully stressed him out. It was taking longer than usual, he was rapidly losing composure. His leg bounced up and down, he kept fidgeting his hands.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out. _Amber would be fine. I will be fine._ Deep breath in. _Tully can't be responsible right?_ Deep breath out. _He loves me, as fucked as that is._ Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. _Tully. Finally._ Deep breath in, deep breath in, noise in the background, shallow breath in, faster, faster... room spins.

 

"Hey, hey, boy. Look at me." Tully's still cuffed hands reach for Juices face. "He's having a panic attack you fucking idiots. Uncuff me!" Tully falls to his knees in front of the other man. The guards try to hold him back, only to relent. Juices breathing is out of control, his eye kids flutter, pupils blown. Tully quickly rubs his wrists where the cuffs had dug in before the guard let him go. "Leave us." He spat over his shoulder at the guard whose salary he supplemented.

 

"Look at Papi, come on baby. I need you to talk to me. Name five things in this room that are blue."

Tully's big hands took Juices in his own. He'd responded on instinct, surprised when Juice hadn't pulled away.

"D-ddd, ugh... door. Your pants." Breath, shallow but slower. S-shh-shirt. Clock. Um... that's um... that's all Papi." Tears, Tully's least favorite characteristic of Juice. He always cried so easily.

 

Tully was unaware that he'd even done it, but he was breathing in the rhythm he wanted Juice to use. Juices eyes were glued to his chest, watching the rise and fall. "Good. Alright I want you to count my breaths okay. Follow along." 

 

Slowly Juice started to calm down, their breathing synced up. Tully moved his legs from his crouching position to sit directly onto the floor, pulling Juice against him. "Good job kid. You're doing so good."

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't..."

 

"Hush boy. Just hush. I'm getting too old." He chortled at himself. "Can you tell me what's going on?"

 

Before Juice could speak there was a knock on the door.

"Tully, times up." The guard spoke as if he were unaffected by the scene on the floor.

 

"Four stacks. I get as long as I need." The guard nodded and left the room.

 

Tully peeled Juice away from him, searching his eyes. Juice did the same in return, seeing the genuine concern and confusion in the monsters eyes. Tully didn't have Amber.

 

"Amber. She's gone. Someone has her. I, I can't get her. Im alone here. Everything is too much. It's all too much."

 

"You ain't alone idiot. I may not be out there but I'll do what I can from here. We'll find your girl." He moved to put some distance between them.

"I gotta ask you something. Been on my mind for a while."

 

Juice sat in the chair and looked up at the man he should hate. "What? I'm not that interesting Papi."

 

Tully shook his head, smiling slyly. "Okay, I have two questions."

 

Juice looked almost annoyed now. "What?"

 

Tully sat across from him, folding his hands delicately on the table in front of him, cocking his head to the side. "Why do you call me Papi?"

 

Juices face reddened, he shrugged and avoided eye contact. "I dont know. It just happened. You never said anything, I just thought it... I thought you liked it."

 

Tully nodded pursing his lips as he thought. "I don't mind it. Just wondering is all. How did you become a member?" He was deliberate in his choice of words, not specifying the Sons. Either out of concern for Juice or because someone could be listening but Juice tried not to think about it too much.

 

"We just sorta found each other ya know. I don't know really." He rolled his eyes at himself.

 

"You never belonged there you know. Shoulda just kept you here with me. Would have been safer." He spoke as if Juice weren't listening. "I think I know where your girl is. Give me a day."

 

Juice took a breath. "How the fuck would you know? Just suddenly? Who the hell would have her? No one knows I'm alive."

 

Tully shook his head again. "Not you specifically no. But someone knows you've been seeing me Micheal."

 

"I thought you handled the Q-Tip, ugh, Quinn thing. You said they were past it."

 

"It's not them. It's my daughter. She's a stand up citizen who hates me. Yet she's jealous of anyone who gets my attention. Criminally jealous. I wanted you to find her for me, but changed that mission. She's supposed to medicated."

 

Shock wouldn't describe the look on Juices face accurately. "What!? Is she going to kill her? Is there anything about you that's not totally fucked up? What am I supposed to do with this?" 

 

"Just give me a day. Come back tomorrow. Please." Tully stood and banged the door, leaving Juice more confused than when he got there.


	42. 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice has an evening of revaluations. A new man is born.

Juice already had assignments, first week of school and he had two papers due by the end. He wanted to finish the program do something legit with his life. Somehow become everything he was told he would never be.

He couldn't focus because he was still waiting to hear from Tully. Fucking Tully, his complicated feelings about the man made everything worse. He drummed his pen on the counter top staring blankly at the book in front of him. He kept picking the phone up and sitting it down, looking at the screen waiting for a text or a call.

 

Hours had passed and nothing. Sure Tully had asked for a day, but the man was capable of anything. Juice fully believed that, the man probably chose how the stars went into the sky each night. He could get Amber if he wanted too. The rage, fear and raw emotion that filled him was something primal, he'd only felt it a few times before. He'd felt it when he shot Miles, when the Mayans stripped his cut in the Chickenmans truck, in Belfast. He had the resources, he could find this stupid bitch and bring her in. He could be Tully's worse nightmare.

 

He finished up his review sheet as quickly as he could so he could get down to tracking. Even when he'd had the club, he'd been alone. They used him when they needed him and didn't give a fuck otherwise. He'd always been alone and he'd always be alone. Tully was his only, dare he say friend? No, but he was someone. He loved Amber, she was his true friend, someone that mattered. Tully was just a necessary evil. He hated that he needed the man at all, but he accepted the game he had to play. He was good at it after all.

 

He had a sinking feeling that Tully wouldn't be able to find Amber. What if his daughter didn't have her? What if he helped his kid? He needed Tully on the outside, this arrangement just wasn't working.

He pulled up Tully's inmate log again from his computer, looking over various facts about the man. His list of visitors wasn't very long, meaning most of his visits were off the books. There was one girl though, early twenties.

 

After a few hours of digging on her a few things became obvious. Either Tully was in denial about his baby girls activities, didn't know about them, or his idea of a stand up citizen and the rest of the worlds idea was very different. She was a lot hotter than Juice had expected her to be,sure, she could be supermodel, like Tully had said. Her mug shots, and social media platforms surprised him, nothing Tully had said about her appeared to be true. She didn't appear to have anything in common with Tully accept her natural looks. For a flash of a moment he felt bad for Tully, he obviously cared for the girl, and she obviously lied to her daddy.

 

The thought of her being attractive made him feel a little sick. She looked just like him, except with softer, more feminine features. In all of the pictures except her mugshot she is dressed to kill. Long sandy blonde hair in some, dyed jet black in others, fluorescent red, purples, dreads at one point, pixie cuts, and rockabilly twists he couldn't name. She had a unique style for sure, an odd mix between a rocker and a pin up girl, and the occasional preppy looking girl that matched the good girl description her father had given. There were colorful tattoos scattered over various parts of her visible skin, in some pictures she had a loop in her septum, two in her lip. Others she had none, but hyper femme make up perfectly painted on. Nothing about her looked like anything Tully would approved of. Of course Juice didn't know much about the man prior to his time inside.

 

A few photos of her smiling genuinely with friends her eyes sparkled a bright happy green. In the majority her eyes were two big almond shaped voids, dark and suspicious like her fathers. They weren't the lovely green the man had described, there was no fleck of green present in most of the pictures. Her eyes sent a chill up Juices spine, he'd know those eyes anywhere. They were the eyes of a very dangerous person, cold, calculated and intelligent. Juice had no doubt he was going to battle. Given Tully's demeanor and response Juice could only assume he'd have cause to worry. The love a father has for his daughter was amazing to Juice, it was as if it caused blindness. Tully's Achilles heel in a way, his one soft spot. The spot no one apparently knew existed, except for now Juice and a few AB guys on the outside. The man obviously knew she was a little unhinged, but Juice could tell it didn't matter. Tully would never hurt her, no more than he'd hurt him. A revolution that made his insides churn.

 

It was a little past midnight and his head was running. He couldn't sleep, he was too wired. Tully practically owned the prison, which brought a realization to Juice. By association, he owned the prison. By association, if he worked just right, he was untouchable, invincible, and capable of so many things.

 

Amber was the only person he'd cared about, the only person who seemed to not give a shit about who he was. She was a good friend. His only friend, the fact that his stink had seeped onto her was not acceptable. He cried for a brief moment, tears falling as he plotted how to get her back. He looked back up at the screen, those evil eyes staring back at him, a smirk adorned the lips that no longer looked happy but mocking. He slammed the computer shut, feeling the anger seep in.

 

Something inside him clicked, as if the wound rotting him since Charming finally festered. Killing him, pushing away Juan Carlos Ortiz, finally, he was dead. A true rebirth was taking place, and the man he could become was something terrifying. He held on to his humanity, he didn't want to be a bad person, but was being bad in the name of good really that bad?

 

He threw some items into a bag, shoved his gun into his pants, pulled on his cap and left the apartment. He was going to the prison, he had demands. Demands that would be met.


	43. 43

It was 1 AM when Juice barged into the prison, brow furrowed, eyes piercingly clear for probably the first time in ages. He had managed to get past the main gate no problem, the man on duty wasn’t even paying attention. Just some fat fucker who needed some cash, probably still in college. Juice simply told him who he was there to see, much to his amazement the man opened the gate. Now he stood in front a security guard who was barely awake and an angry looking receptionist. This part would be tougher but at the moment he didn’t give two shits about anyone in there, or their rules. 

He eyed the man for moment, and then presented his ID. " Here to see Tully. Off the books, legal meeting." He took a page straight out of Tully’s play book. If you look and act like you're doing what you’re supposed to be doing, no one will question you. He looked the man dead in the eye, laid down his manila folder with the cash inside and nodded slightly in acknowledgement as the guard let him through.

"Boss man expecting a spic. I know you aint no lawyer." The guard drawled in a southern accent so thick he didn’t belong in California. 

Juice didn’t flinch at the insult, just kept his head forward. " No, he  _aint_  expecting me this time. He knows the drill though." 

The guard shook his head and opened the door to the meeting room. "You either real brave or real stupid. Boss man don’t like to be woke up. I aught ta take you down there and let you wake up the demon."

Juice smiled his sweet smile, the one that made Tully be nice to him and won over most of the female population. "I will, if that’s necessary. He likes my face more than yours."

The guard being the ignorant piece of garbage that he is, decided the potential entertainment of this fool being beat to a pulp was worth it. He chortled a sadistic laugh and led him past the meeting room and into the main corridor for intake. "I’ll take you too him, you have twenty minutes, and the both of you need to be back here in this corridor." 

Juice for a moment was taken back by the statement. He couldn’t believe the idiot was going to take him into the actual prison. he righted his stride and continued as if it were the most natural thing. 

The guard grabbed him by the shoulder stopping them in front of a room marked  _officers only beyond this point._ Juice tried not to flinch at the touch, but he jerked away.

"Wait here idiot. I’m going to suit you up, don’t want anyone seeing you come in here. I aint got the cameras off."

For a flash of a second Juice was confused, and then the guard emerged from the room holding a stack of blue folded clothes. They were not prison issued garb but instead a guard’s uniform, complete with cheesy hat. Juice arched a brow, trying not to look at the guy as if he thought he was an idiot. "Is the hat necessary?" He kept his tone neutral, gesturing to the lack of hat on the other man’s head. 

He replied with a crooked predatory grin. "Tully has his preferences. He’s got a real hard on for a uniform." 

Juice cringed internally already knowing this fact about the man. He had seen plenty of his stashed porn magazines in their cell.  Going back into the monsters’ lair, dressed like a Christmas turkey, was not at the top of his to do list. However, he had brought himself here and there was no going back now. He had to follow through, if that meant being something Tully was going to jerk off to for a while, then he would just have to deal. He took a breath, pulling himself together and getting back in control of the situation. He pulled the uniform on, buckling everything so that it was perfect. He primped a little extra just to annoy the guard and give him something to gossip about later. 

"We ready?" He situated the hat on top of his head and smiled brightly. He made his eyes extra big and tilted his head, making himself look more innocent than he was, knowing the guard thought he was just some stupid toy anyway.

"Boss man is gonna love this. Let’s go pretty boy." They made their way down the hallway, without speaking anymore until they reached the final door. Juice knew he wouldn't be going with him because he couldn't leave his post for that long. Fortunately he had memorized the print of the prison, he was sure he could figure out where Tully was easily. The guard put his hand on the handle to the door and turned to look at Juice. "He know you're spending his money like this? Guess you're doin it for him, but he’s so particular about his money." 

Juice smile genuinely now, this buffoon had no idea that Juice just had free reign of the account. That Juice was essentially in charge. Juice was in charge because Juice was on the outside. Juice had access; his name was on the account. Well his new name, but that is trivial. This idiot didn’t really know Tully at all. Everyone who knew Tully, knew how he felt about his things, Juice was his thing. Despite having a new name, Tully would have already made it known that Michael belonged to him, after that one meeting in gen pop that day. This guard was clueless, and was just taking money from Juice, because he said he was there for Tully. Juice could be there to kill him; this man didn’t know. Obviously, he was on whichever take would pay the most. 

For an infuriating reason Juice couldn’t put his finger on, this really bothered him. Why did this man call his Tully, boss man? Why did he act as if he gave a fuck about Tully when he just let him in to kill him? This was unacceptable, Juice decided right then, this man would be dealt with. A shiver went down his spine at his own thought. He was thinking like Tully would, all the time spent with the man, manipulating the man, he’d learned from the man. The monster part of him had faded bits at a time, Juice got to see parts of him no one else did, but even still the man was a monster. He knew it was all a game, a sick game, that would result in one of their deaths. He was playing Russian roulette with his life every time he entered these doors, yet he couldn’t stay away.

Why was he here now? In part to prove a point and get information, but also in part because he needed to see Tully. He needed to see him, because his presence was comforting even though it made his skin crawl. 

"He knows I spent some to come see him. Don’t you worry about me sir. I’ll be just fine. Now could you be so kind as to tell me where to go?"

The guard quickly gave him instructions and opened the door for him. Juice swallowed as he walked through the threshold back into a place, he never wanted to see the inside of ever again. The prison was dark and quiet, in that loud quiet way only a prison can be. It stunk of body odor and bleach, a smell that would stick inside his nose for a long time. He repeated the directions in his mind over and over as he made turns down corridors making his way through the prison.

He made it to Tully’s cell, it was a single cell with a big metal door. The kind with a small window and not bars. He was isolated, shut off from everyone. This tugged at Juice because he also knew as much as Tully liked his space, they were similar in their need to not be alone. He hoped that maybe the man was only separated at night, because isolation wasn't something he could wish even on his worst enemy. He stood outside the door for a long time, turning the pass card over in his hands. A part of him wanted to go in and wake the man, a part of him was terrified to do so and another part of him was enjoying watching him sleep. He looked so much less threatening in his sleep, peaceful almost. 

A cough from an inmate somewhere nearby brought him out of his thoughts. He straightened his uniform and buzzed open the door. 

 


	44. 44

Juice stood in the cell, mere millimeters from Tully, and yet the man hadn't moved. It was unnerving how Tully managed to sleep through the intrusion. Typically, he would have woken up at the buzz, it was almost as if the man had given up. Juice wasn't sure, but he knew that wasn't normal. He slowly approached the curled-up figure on the bed, in the bright darkness of the cell he could see him plainly. It was never completely dark in prison, just dark enough to hide the details.

 

A flash of fear flooded him, what if Tully was dead? Though the gentle rise and fall of his shoulder told him otherwise. He slowly walked into the cell, inching closer.

 

"Tully." He whispered. No response.

 

He took another step closer. "Tully." He whispered again.

 

This time the man's breathing changed, but he did not move. Juice realized he was in defense mode. The man knew he was there and was simply waiting for him to be close enough to pounce. Juice knew he could snap his neck before he ever had a chance to speak, he decided to stand still.

 

"Papi. I know you're awake. Look at me. It is important."

 

Tully held his breath for a moment, maybe it was a gasp, Juice couldn't be sure. Slowly the figure rolled over, squinting his eyes to make out Juice.

 

"Boy, that you?"

 

Juice relaxed a little and smiled. "Hey Papi. It's me. I need you to come with me."

 

Tully rubbed his eyes and sat up. "You really in here? How in the hell did you get in here?" His thick drawl came out in his sleepy voice, though the question was directed into the air and not at Juice.

 

Juice bounced on the balls of his feet, grinning proudly. "I'm really here, Papi. If I come closer are you gonna kill me?" His tone joked but it was a serious question. He heard Tully sigh, and walked to the bunk anyway.

 

"Guard dressed me up. He thought you would like it." Juice cringed internally; he wasn't even sure why he had said what he said. Survival mode, that's all he was concerned about. Right? He didn't _actually_ want this man to be pleased with his appearance. Did he?

 

"Baby, I got you out, why in the holiest of hells are you in here?" He looked genuinely confused, accepting that Juice was in fact standing in front of him. The hair on his neck spiked up as he gave Juice a once over, a crooked grin resting on his lips. " You do look good boy, but I'm guessing this aint why you're here?" He gestured to Juice in general.

 

Juice moved to sit down on the bunk beside him. His body moved on its own accord, he couldn't will it to stop. He knew it was risk, but he reached and pulled Tully into a hug. "I do miss you sometimes Papi." He held tighter, his brain was screaming to let go, to stop, but his body refused. The arms that wrapped hesitantly around him rubbed his back soothingly, not lustfully. This was a different thing, a thing Juice couldn't process or understand. A thing that seemed to make Tully more uncomfortable than Juice.

 

Finally, he let go, he only had a few more minutes to lure Tully from his cell to the conference room so that they could talk. "I bought the conference room. The guard that dressed me up in this sent me to get you because he thought it would be funny when you bashed my head in. Too bad for him, I told him you liked my face more than his. Also, I know you don't like to be woken up. I know a lot of your tricks Papi. That idiot though... Papi, he is gonna have to be dealt with."

 

Tully knew which guard it was. Andrews, guy was an idiot, but he was a part of the Brotherhood. He raised a curious brow at Juice. "How so baby? What did he do to you?" His voice carried the same tone of authority Juice remembered. Tully didn't like it when his things were messed with.

 

"He didn't do anything to me, 'cept for dressing me up.Don't worry, I've already taken care of the problem. Got me thinking like you Papi. Now come on." He tugged at his hand.

 

Tully wrapped his arm around Juices waist and pulled him back down to the bed. Not roughly, not forcefully, Juice could have broken away easily if he had tried. The smile on Tully's face was real, a big toothy grin, much like Juices own. Juice had only seen it one other time. The day he killed him, well pretended to kill him anyway. That was the last face he had seen before his eyes closed. Juice didn't feel scared at all, simply at peace with whatever was about to happen. Not numb. He should be terrified; he was in the devil's house. He wasn't worried.

 

The arms snaked around him tighter, pulling him into a laying position until they were spooning on the tiny cot bed. "Just lay with me, just for a minute. Please." Juice relaxed against the body he hadn't felt in so long. Listening to whatever nonsense Tully was speaking into his hair. Knowing the words weren't really meant for him to hear, he didn't respond.

 

More than a minute passed, several minutes in fact. Juice opened his eyes again, feeling the limber sleep leaving his body. The soft breaths on his neck reminded him Tully was still behind him. He didn't know how much time had passed, but it was still dark in the cell. He wiggled himself free, turning to look at the man whose eyes were also closed.

 

"Papi. We fell asleep. I need you to wake up." He shook the man gently, "Papi. Come on."

 

Finally, the man stirred, opening his eyes. "Holy shit. Fucking shit. Ju...Baby? This actually.... You aint just a dream" Tully was still in complete disbelief. He shook his head and stood from the bunk.

 

"Let me piss. Be right there." Juice turned away. About the time Tully was putting himself away, and Juice was adjusting his hat, the door swung open. A cheeky looking Andrews was standing there. At first, he looked like a cat who got the mouse, but then his smile fell when he noticed that he hadn't caught them in the act. He looked Tully over, subtly but Juice noticed the look of disappointment in the man's eyes. He _actually_ thought Juice was here to kill him.

 

"It's been an hour. If you're taking that room you'd better come on." He snapped at Juice.

 

Tully pulled on his orange shirt and followed them down the dark hallway.

 

"We're gonna have to talk about how you did this, you know that right?" Tully whispered leaning so Juice could hear.

 

Juice grinned. "We're gonna have to discuss your poor vocabulary, you know, that right?"

 

Tully was taken back for a moment. "What?" He asked confused.

 

"We don't say aint. We are educated, proud Americans. Only hillbillies and uneducated members of lesser societies say such words." Juice recited proudly. He had heard Tully, or a crew member spew their garbage for four years. It had made an impact.

 

Tully scoffed at the articulate recital. "You're right. your right."


	45. 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice is upping his game a little bit. Possibly losing his mind.

"After you sweetheart." Tully grinned his evil grin and motioned for Juice to walk into the room ahead of him. Juice felt nothing about the gesture, he had long since learned that Tully could play a crowd. He knew his audience well and would never disappoint. The grin only looked threatening to the guard. The door slammed loudly behind them, the light for the camera went off, finally Tully let out a breath. 

"So baby, you’re so full of surprises you know that." It wasn’t a question, and Juice knew Tully didn’t like surprises. He circled the smaller man, who didn’t back down from his gaze. "You keep popping up here, breaking down the front door of the prison. If I didn’t know better baby, I’d say you’re growing a spine. Makes you a dangerous man baby boy. Papi, likes it when you show your teeth like that."

Juice tried not to grimace at the words, while his heart rate increased steadily. He knew where this was going, Tully was horny. The kind of horny that meant he wasn’t getting out of this unscathed. He inwardly rolled his eyes, readying himself to play his part, watching the monster bring itself back out of this man. 

"I know you do Papi. I try to keep you happy." He smiled, hoping it looked genuine. 

Tully moved away from him, pleased at how Juice had responded. He knew they were dancing a very technical dance. Juice had learned the steps well; he was blossoming into his own. Regardless of what Juice thought, this is what Tully had wanted. He wanted to him to do more than survive, the only way Tully knew how to do that was to be the guy on top. 

"Sit. Let’s talk first." Tully sat delicately in his chair, waiting for Juice to sit as well, a motion that did not escape Juices attention. 

"Got tired of waiting for you to text me. I need to know where your girl is. You know I can find her myself, but I’m giving you the opportunity to make this less painful for her." Juices voice was one Tully had never heard before. The voice of a man who’d kill before being killed. The voice that belonged to the man he used to be. No, the voice of a man more dangerous than the man he used to be. 

Intrigued, Tully cocked his head to the side. "How do you mean?" 

"I mean, if she has Amber, and we both know she does... I will kill her. We both know she is jealous that I exist. She knows the real me. She is a threat. Who do you love more Papi? The daughter that hates you, or the man whose here with you now?" Juice was pulling out all the stops, the murderous voice laced with a sultry sweetness only Juice was capable of possessing. 

Tully could tell he was serious, completely serious. Still no one could shake the shot caller, he didn’t get to the top by being shaken. "Do you have to kill her? I mean can’t we just scare her a little?" He knew the answer was no, but bargaining is what people in the lesser position did. He would play along with Juice. For one it was hot as hell watching him be in charge like this, and two, he was a man with nothing to lose. 

"We both know how this ends Papi. Amber is all I got outside these walls." He circled the table, pacing more from his lack of ability to sit still. "She doesn’t even care about you." He walked up behind the man, knowing good and well the larger man could raise and snap his neck. He wrapped his arms around his waist and laid his head on his back between his shoulders. "Not like I do Papi. Do you know what I’ve planned for you? Just for you."

Tully couldn’t help the rush in his veins at the feeling of his boys arms around him. That uniform he had on, was really a vice, Juice looked and felt so good. In prison, things like that didn’t happen every day. Inwardly he knew Juice was playing with him. They were both playing a game, cat and mouse. Tully did care for the idiot though, more than he was supposed to. Enough to let him have his money, he’d give him everything. As if this one man could right so many wrongs.

Juice tugged at Tully until he turned to face him, and then he settled himself on the man’s lap. Positioning himself so that his weight was on one knee, legs between his. His head nuzzled into Tully’s neck, he breathed softly, knowing exactly what he was doing. 

Juice was in charge, things were different now, he could leave. He was in charge of Tully, had been for a while. He just had to make it known how serious he was, he would get what he wanted. Though the pit in his stomach still left him confused with a sour taste in his mouth. He felt safe and comfortable sitting on this man’s lap. He shouldn’t, especially not after what he had said earlier, but he did. He wanted it, the familiarity of it, the safety, the comfort. He should be repulsed, and he was, though not at Tully he was repulsed at himself. He was stooping to this man’s game, playing with his heart, his emotions, ultimately his cock. He was no different than before, a kept lover, a paid hand. He felt anger rise within him as his body shook. 

He had to regain control; he knew Tully would see through all of this if he let his anxiety get the better of him. His strong hand ran down his back, soothing him to his core. Juice left a kiss on his neck, before biting down a little harder than he meant too. The salty yet clean taste of Tully filled his mouth, familiar. Making the unwanted desire bubble inside his gut. "That guard is a bad man Papi." He breathed his words seductively into the man’s ear. 

Tully’s breath hitched, changing from its calm pace to a faster lustier one. "What did he do baby?" His lips ran over Juices sharp jaw bones, nibbling his ear in the way he knew would rouse a satisfying response. 

Juice moaned, involuntarily, but Tully knew how to manipulate his body. Would it really be so wrong to take what he needed? He deserved something good right? As much as he hated it, Tully was good. A shiver traveled down his spine at the thought. His gut churned in protest though as he thought of how Tully had sat down earlier, how the man was curled in his bunk, alone. How he’d been beaten before and how he seemed off from his usual predatory self. 

Someone had hurt him, in the way only Tully could hurt someone. Juice knew Tully hurt plenty of people, himself included. Yet he had always made sure Juice was high, lubed and out of it when he did what he had to do. He was gentle and eventually tried to make sure he enjoyed it. It just became a part of life, a thing that you do. Juice initiated it a time or two, Juice wasn’t a victim, just a means of survival. That’s what he told himself to make things better. He was not a victim. As much as Tully deserved whatever horrible things happened to him Juice couldn’t, wouldn’t except them. No one could hurt Tully, no one. Right?

"He thought I was here to kill you, he let me in. He’s not one of your men Papi." Juice put his hands-on Tully’s face, making eye contact with the devil himself. That should have been terrifying but what was behind those eyes was much worse. 

"Someone hurt you Papi. That man let them. That man you pay to keep you safe. He’s a traitor." 

Tully’s eyes flickered, emotion rolling through them like a casino slot machine, finally settling on blank. "What do you mean baby? Andrews is on my take. He wouldn’t do that."

"Papi, you know as well as I do, everyone in this suit will sell to the highest bidder. Someone, probably a lot of people hate you. Someone has the means to outbid you. Andrews has to go."

That dangerous Juice was back, his eyes cold and dark, sent a shiver up Tully’s spine. He knew Juice was right, how else would that have happened. The fact that his boy knew someone got to him bothered him more though. He was supposed to protect Juice, how would he protect him if someone was out to get him? 

"Don’t worry Papi, I meant what I said. It’s been handled. Let me make you feel better Papi." The coldness didn’t leave his eyes, his hands mechanically moved over Tully’s body in that old familiar way they used too. Still they felt good on Tully’s bruised, untouched skin. He melted into his boys’ touch, savoring it.


	46. 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has he done?

The petting had gotten heavy, Tully had literally began to melt under Juices touch. Juice could feel his gut churning the closer he got. He was reminded of the time Clay used him as bait with the rat in prison, he had barely been saved in the end. This moment felt the same, if he didn't get the information he needed soon he would he knew he would end up limping out of the place.

 

He moved himself from the lap again, looking up at him from beneath his lashes, intertwining his fingers with the other mans, making sure he looked sweet and shy. It had been a while after all, it had to be believable that he was nervous. He was nervous. "Just tell me Papi, please?"

 

Tully huffed angrily, jerking his hands away from Juices. His eyes narrowed as he looked at Juice like prey. "I ain't tellin you where she is. You want her, you find her. I told you I would handle it. If my word means nothing to you, then you need to leave. I'm cuttin you off."

 

His voice remained calm in that terrifying way, his words were logical for Tully. Still Juice noticed the irrationality in what he was saying. There was more at play here, Tully was... dare he think it... emotionally invested. In Juice. In his need to have Juice need him. Somewhere in his monstrous mind he needed to be needed, to feel... wanted if it was bought.

Juice was more in control than he thought, while also being in a very dangerous position. Someone like Tully wasn't always rational. It was very clear, if he couldn't have Juice, no one would.

"Alright. Alright. You know I trust you Papi." He stepped back towards him, reaching his hand out. "I'm just so... worried, and I hate not being able to do anything. That aside, I'm worried about you now too." He kicked his toe around the floor, making sure to look like he meant what he said.

 

"Out there, I'm on my own. Things are changing ya know? I have to take care of me too. I want to show you just how serious I am, about taking care of the people I care about." Juices voice became colder as he spoke, a terrifying grin crossed his face as he stepped back from Tully.

 

Tully's features softened, he pulled Juice into a tight hug. His mouth close to his ear, he whispered. "I'm proud of you Juan. I really am." He used his real name, not his gang name, not baby, not his new name. He used his given name as if it mattered, as if it held weight. The problem was, it did. Juice couldn't tell if it was a manipulation or if Tully really meant it. Who was the puppet now? Juice wanted so badly to be in control, of his life, of the situation of everything. He pulled away from the man, stepping back, knowing their time was coming to an end.

 

"We need to talk about this. What are you trying to do? You know I have to pay this little show of yours."

Tully's head cocked in inquiry.

 

Juice shrugged, he knew he messed up, but what were they really going to do? Did he even care? So what if someone else hurt him, he deserved it. Right?

 

"Go back to your cell, and don't ask questions." His voice was cold and commanding, a tone that was foreign to his own mouth. He banged on the door, grinning sweetly at Andrews when he looked between he and Tully.

 

He could see the disappointment playing on the guards face. He eyed Tully and shook his head before grabbing Juice by the back of the neck roughly taking him from the room.

 

"So, what the fuck was this visit for? You fuck em? You certainly didn't kill em." The guards voice held disgust, his grip tightened around Juices neck.

 

"Needed information." He shrugged again, remaining calm, he knew his calm demeanor was infuriating the man.

 

"What information could Tully possibly have for spic?" The gruffed when they finally made it back to the employee room.

 

"You know, just regular ol brand business. Only color that matters is green. Or have you not made it far enough up there ladder to know that?" He shot the man a glare, going through the Rolodex of names in his mind.

Being trapped with Tully all that time he heard his fair share of things. If it weren't for his skin color and his moral compass he could easily represent the brand. Being of a lesser race they didn't often hide their work from him, thinking him incapable of understanding anyway. He was a pet, to be brought out only when needed or wanted. Wanted.

 

He'd never been wanted, not by anyone that wasn't a cop. Tully told him he was proud of him. For what? He didn't elaborate. Why did he even say that? Like he knew Juice was up to something. He worked his way out of the uniform and back into his own clothes. He left the gloves on, not wanting his prints to be anywhere he couldn't explain. He knocked gently on the door letting the man know he was done.

 

This was his moment. It was now or never, he was going to send a message that Tully would understand. Speak his language. He took a deep breath, his heart pounded in his chest when the door opened.

"Andrews?" He called the guards name, throwing him off. "You know I may be just a spic, but Collier thought enough of me to keep me around." The mans eyes went wide at the name, Juice knew he'd said the right one. Collier is above Tully in rank, the man that would have approved his clearance for a new life. Juice said a silent prayer that man was still alive and this man wouldn't call his bluff. Collier would know that Juice existed, to whatextent maybe not. For him to know the name was enough to make this idiot believe he carried weight.

 

He reached and grabbed the mans weapon before he could respond. The cold steel of the gun, the weight in his hand felt new but familiar. It. Felt. Good.

 

He cocked it, aiming it right at the mans head. "Next time you want to take out the boss, or whatever you thought would happen here tonight, maybe you should reconsider." Andrews eyes were blood shot from fear, the way Miles had looked at him. He could feel the ghost of the mans hands on his neck, tightening like the chain that night. He didn't want to die anymore, he wanted to live. On his own terms, buy his own rules. Juice liked this feeling of power, he understood why people like Tully enjoyed it.

The man put his hands up, but didn't say anything. "Too bad you won't get the opportunity to try again." Juice sneered, watching the emotion roll over the mans face before pulling the trigger.

 

The mans body fell in a heap on the floor. Juices heart pounded, there was no going back now. His new life was starting out great. It would take approximately ten minutes for someone to sound the alarm, lock down the building. Juice knew, from being inside, they would waste time doing grounds check, and since there was gun fire they'd wait till back up arrived to come in. He placed the gun in Andrews hand, removed the gloves and started making his way out of the prison.

 

He'd deal with wiping the tapes when he got home. He had no one to answer to, no red tape. He could spin this however he wanted too. The best part was that Tully would finally see him for who he was.

 

Not a rat. Not a gang member. Not a traitor. Not weak, or broken. Not a toy. Not a lover.

 

A. Cold. Blooded. Killer. Who would do anything to protect someone he cared about.

 

 

If he'd kill for Tully, what else would he do for Amber?


	47. Next

I hope you all enjoyed this story. I'm getting ready to work another part for it. However want to get a few chapters finished before I start posting them. 

Doing some editing to the stories I currently have published. 

Thank you so much for following along with me so far! I look forward to completing this story. :)


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